Europe Revised — 39 - Ch. XVIII: Guyed or Guided?, pt. 2

If England harbors few guides the Continent is fairly glutted with them.

After nightfall the boulevards of Paris are so choked with them that in places there is standing room only.

In Rome the congestion is even greater.

In Rome every other person is a guide--and sometimes twins.

I do not know why, in thinking of Europe, I invariably associate the subject of guides with the subject of tips.

The guides were no greedier for tips than the cabmen or the hotel helpers, or the railroad hands, or the populace at large.

Nevertheless this is true.

In my mind I am sure guides and tips will always be coupled, as surely as any of those standard team-word combinations of our language that are familiar to all; as firmly paired off as, for example, Castor and Pollux, or Damon and Pythias, or Fair and Warmer, or Hay and Feed.

When I think of one I know I shall think of the other.

Also I shall think of languages; but for that there is a reason.

Tipping--the giving of tips and the occasional avoidance of giving them--takes up a good deal of the tourist's time in Europe.

At first reading the arrangement devised by the guidebooks, of setting aside ten per cent of one's bill for tipping purposes, seems a better plan and a less costly one than the indiscriminate American system of tipping for each small service at the time of its performance.

The trouble is that this arrangement does not work out so well in actual practice as it sounds in theory.

On the day of your departure you send for your hotel bill.

You do not go to the desk and settle up there after the American fashion.

If you have learned the ropes you order your room waiter to fetch your bill to you, and in the privacy of your apartment you pore over the formidable document wherein every small charge is fully specified, the whole concluding with an impressive array of items regarding which you have no prior recollection whatsoever.

Considering the total, you put aside an additional ten per cent, calculated for division on the basis of so much for the waiter, so much for the boots, so much for the maid and the porter, and the cashier, and the rest of them.

It is not necessary that you send for these persons in order to confer your farewell remembrances on them; they will be waiting for you in the hallways.

No matter how early or late the hour of your leaving may be, you find them there in a long and serried rank.

You distribute bills and coins until your ten per cent is exhausted, and then you are pained to note that several servitors yet remain, lined up and all expectant, owners of strange faces that you do not recall ever having seen before, but who are now at hand with claims, real or imaginary, on your purse.

Inasmuch as you have a deadly fear of being remembered afterward in this hotel as a piker, you continue to dip down and to fork over, and so by the time you reach the tail end of the procession your ten per cent has grown to twelve or fifteen per cent, or even more.

As regards the tipping of guides for their services, I hit on a fairly satisfactory plan, which I gladly reveal here for the benefit of my fellow man.

I think it is a good idea to give the guide, on parting, about twice as much as you think he is entitled to, which will be about half as much as he expects.

From this starting point you then work toward each other, you conceding a little from time to time, he abating a trifle here and there, until you have reached a happy compromise on a basis of fifty-fifty; and so you part in mutual good will.

The average American, on the eve of going to Europe, thinks of the European as speaking each his own language.

He conceives of the Poles speaking Polar; of the Hollanders talking Hollandaise; of the Swiss as employing Schweitzer for ordinary conversations and yodeling when addressing friends at a distance; and so on.

Such, however, is rarely the case.

Nearly every person with whom one comes in contact in Europe appears to have fluent command of several tongues besides his or her own.

It is true this does not apply to Italy, where the natives mainly stick to Italian; but then, Italian is not a language.

It is a calisthenic.

Between Rome and Florence, our train stopped at a small way station in the mountains.

As soon as the little locomotive had panted itself to a standstill the train hands, following their habit, piled off the cars and engaged in a tremendous confab with the assembled officials on the platform.

Immediately all the loafers in sight drew cards.

A drowsy hillsman, muffled to his back hair in a long brown cloak, and with buskins on his legs such as a stage bandit wears, was dozing against the wall.

He looked as though he had stepped right out of a comic opera to add picturesqueness to the scene.

He roused himself and joined in; so did a bearded party who, to judge by his uniform, was either a Knight of Pythias or a general in the army; so did all the rest of the crowd.

In ten seconds they were jammed together in a hard knot, and going it on the high speed with the muffler off, fine white teeth shining, arms flying, shoulders shrugging, spinal columns writhing, mustaches rising and falling, legs wriggling, scalps and ears following suit.

Feeding hour in the parrot cage at the zoo never produced anything like so noisy and animated a scene.

In these parts acute hysteria is not a symptom; it is merely a state of mind.

A waiter in soiled habiliments hurried up, abandoning chances of trade at the prospect of something infinitely more exciting.

He wanted to stick his oar into the argument.

He had a few pregnant thoughts of his own craving utterance, you could tell that.

But he was handicapped into a state of dumbness by the fact that he needed both arms to balance a tray of wine and sandwiches on his head.

Merely using his voice in that company would not have counted.

He stood it as long as he could, which was not very long, let me tell you.

Then he slammed his tray down on the platform and, with one quick movement, jerked his coat sleeves back to his elbows, and inside thirty seconds he had the floor in both hands, as it were.

He conversed mainly with the Australian crawl stroke, but once in a while switched to the Spencerian free-arm movement and occasionally introduced the Chautauqua salute with telling effect.

On the Continent guides, as a class, excel in the gift of tongues--guides and hotel concierges.

The concierge at our hotel in Berlin was a big, upstanding chap, half Russian and half Swiss, and therefore qualified by his breeding to speak many languages; for the Russians are born with split tongues and can give cards and spades to any talking crow that ever lived; while the Swiss lag but little behind them in linguistic aptitude.

It seemed such a pity that this man was not alive when the hands knocked off work on the Tower of Babel; he could have put the job through without extending himself.

No matter what the nationality of a guest might be--and the guests were of many nationalities--he could talk with that guest in his own language or in any other language the guest might fancy.

I myself was sorely tempted to try him on Coptic and early Aztec; but I held off.

My Coptic is not what it once was; and, partly through disuse and partly through carelessness, I have allowed my command of early Aztec to fall off pretty badly these last few months.

All linguistic freakishness is not confined to the Continent.

The English, who are popularly supposed to use the same language we ourselves use, sometimes speak with a mighty strange tongue.

A great many of them do not speak English; they speak British, a very different thing.

An Englishwoman of breeding has a wonderful speaking voice; as pure as a Boston woman's and more liquid; as soft as a Southern woman's and with more attention paid to the R's. But the Cockney type--Wowie!

During a carriage ride in Florence with a mixed company of tourists I chanced to say something of a complimentary nature about something English, and a little London-bred woman spoke up and said: "Thenks!

It's vurry naice of you to sezzo, 'm sure."

Some of them talk like that--honestly they do!

Though Americo-English may not be an especially musical speech, it certainly does lend itself most admirably to slang purposes.

Here again the Britishers show their inability to utilize the vehicle to the full of its possibilities.

England never produced a Billy Baxter or a George Ade, and I am afraid she never will.

Most of our slang means something;

you hear a new slang phrase and instantly you realize that the genius who coined it has hit on a happy and a graphic and an illuminating expression; that at one bound he rose triumphant above the limitations of the language and tremendously enriched the working vocabulary of the man in the street.

Whereas an Englishman's idea of slinging slang is to scoop up at random some inoffensive and well-meaning word that never did him any harm and apply it in the place of some other word, to which the first word is not related, even by marriage.

And look how they deliberately mispronounce proper names.

Everybody knows about Cholmondeley and St. John.

But take the Scandinavian word fjord.

Why, I ask you, should the English insist on pronouncing it Ferguson?

At Oxford, the seat of learning, Magdalen is pronounced Maudlin, probably in subtle tribute to the condition of the person who first pronounced it so.

General-admission day is not the day you enter, but the day you leave.

Full term means three-quarters of a term.

An ordinary degree is a degree obtained by a special examination.

An inspector of arts does not mean an inspector of arts, but a student; and from this point they go right ahead, getting worse all the time.

The droll creature who compiled the Oxford glossary was a true Englishman.

When an Englishman undertakes to wrestle with American slang he makes a fearful hash of it.

In an English magazine I read a short story, written by an Englishman who is regarded by a good many persons, competent to judge, as being the cleverest writer of English alive today.

The story was beautifully done from the standpoint of composition; it bristled with flashing metaphors and whimsical phrasing.

The scene of the yarn was supposed to be Chicago and naturally the principal figure in it was a millionaire.

In one place the author has this person saying, "I reckon you'll feel pretty mean," and in another place, "I reckon I'm not a man with no pull."

Another character in the story says, "I know you don't cotton to the march of science in these matters," and speaks of something that is unusual as being "a rum affair."

A walled state prison, presumably in Illinois, is referred to as a "convict camp"; and its warden is called a "governor" and an assistant keeper is called a "warder"; while a Chicago daily paper is quoted as saying that "larrikins" directed the attention of a policeman to a person who was doing thus and so.

The writer describes a "mysterious mere" known as Pilgrim's Pond, "in which they say"--a prison official is supposed to be talking now--"our fathers made witches walk until they sank."

Descendants of the original Puritans who went from Plymouth Rock, in the summer of 1621, and founded Chicago, will recall this pond distinctly.

Cotton Mather is buried on its far bank, and from there it is just ten minutes by trolley to Salem, Massachusetts.

It is stated also in this story that the prairies begin a matter of thirty-odd miles from Chicago, and that to reach them one must first traverse a "perfect no man's land."

Englewood and South Chicago papers please copy.

Chapter XIX