Europe Revised — 50 - Ch. XXV: Be it Ever so Humble, pt. 1

Be it Ever so Humble Homeward-bound, a chastened spirit pervades the traveler.

He is not quite so much inclined to be gay and blithesome as he was going.

The holiday is over; the sightseeing is done; the letter of credit is worn and emaciated.

He has been broadened by travel but his pocketbook has been flattened.

He wouldn't take anything for this trip, and as he feels at the present moment he wouldn't take it again for anything.

It is a time for casting up and readjusting.

Likewise it is a good time for going over, in the calm, reflective light of second judgment, the purchases he has made for personal use and gift-making purposes.

These things seemed highly attractive when he bought them, and when displayed against a background of home surroundings will, no doubt, be equally impressive; but just now they appear as rather a sad collection of junk.

His English box coat doesn't fit him any better than any other box would.

His French waistcoats develop an unexpected garishness on being displayed away from their native habitat and the writing outfit which he picked up in Vienna turns out to be faulty and treacherous and inkily tearful.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a fountain pen--that weeps!

And why, when a fountain pen makes up its mind to cry a spell, does it crawl clear across a steamer trunk and bury its sobbing countenance in the bosom of a dress shirt?

Likewise the first few days at sea provide opportunity for sorting out the large and variegated crop of impressions a fellow has been acquiring during all these crowded months.

The way the homeward-bound one feels now, he would swap any Old Master he ever saw for one peep at a set of sanitary bath fixtures.

Sight unseen, he stands ready to trade two cathedrals and a royal palace for a union depot.

He will never forget the thrill that shook his soul as he paused beneath the dome of the Pantheon; but he feels that, not only his soul but all the rest of him, could rally and be mighty cheerful in the presence of a dozen deep-sea oysters on the half shell--regular honest-to-goodness North American oysters, so beautifully long, so gracefully pendulous of shape that the short-waisted person who undertakes to swallow one whole does so at his own peril.

The picture of the Coliseum bathed in the Italian moonlight will ever abide in his mind; but he would give a good deal for a large double sirloin suffocated Samuel J. Tilden style, with fried onions.

Beefsteak!

Ah, what sweet images come thronging at the very mention of the word!

The sea vanishes magically and before his entranced vision he sees The One Town, full of regular fellows and real people.

Somebody is going to have fried ham for supper--five thousand miles away he sniffs the delectable perfume of that fried ham as it seeps through a crack in the kitchen window and wafts out into the street--and the word passes round that there is going to be a social session down at the lodge to-night, followed, mayhap, by a small sociable game of quarter-limit upstairs over Corbett's drug-store.

At this point, our traveler rummages his Elks' button out of his trunk and gives it an affectionate polishing with a silk handkerchief.

And oh, how he does long for a look at a home newspaper--packed with wrecks and police news and municipal scandals and items about the persons one knows, and chatty mention concerning Congressmen and gunmen and tango teachers and other public characters.

Thinking it all over here in the quiet and privacy of the empty sea, he realizes that his evening paper is the thing he has missed most.

To the American understanding foreign papers seem fearfully and wonderfully made.

For instance, German newspapers are much addicted to printing their more important news stories in cipher form.

The German treatment of a suspected crime for which no arrests have yet been made, reminds one of the jokes which used to appear, a few years ago, in the back part of Harper's Magazine, where a good story was always being related of Bishop X, residing in the town of Y, who, calling one afternoon upon Judge Z, said to Master Egbert, the pet of the household, age four, and so on.

A German newspaper will daringly state that Banker ----, president of the Bank of ---- at ---- who is suspected of sequestering the funds of that institution to his own uses is reported to have departed by stealth for the city of ----, taking with him the wife of Herr ----.

And such is the high personal honor of the average Parisian news gatherer that one Paris morning paper, which specializes in actual news as counter-distinguished from the other Paris papers which rely upon political screeds to fill their columns, locks its doors and disconnects its telephones at 8 o'clock in the evening, so that reporters coming in after that hour must stay in till press time lest some of them--such is the fear--will peddle all the exclusive stories off to less enterprising contemporaries.

English newspapers, though printed in a language resembling American in many rudimentary respects, seem to our conceptions weird propositions, too.

It is interesting to find at the tail end of an article a footnote by the editor stating that he has stopped the presses to announce in connection with the foregoing that nothing has occurred in connection with the foregoing which would justify him in stopping the presses to announce it; or words to that effect.

The news stories are frequently set forth in a puzzling fashion, and the jokes also.

That's the principal fault with an English newspaper joke--it loses so in translation into our own tongue.

Still, when all is said and done, the returning tourist, if he be at all fair-minded, is bound to confess to himself that, no matter where his steps or his round trip ticket have carried him, he has seen in every country institutions and customs his countrymen might copy to their benefit, immediate or ultimate.

Having beheld these things with his own eyes, he knows that from the Germans we might learn some much-needed lessons about municipal control and conservation of resources; and from the French and the Austrians about rational observance of days of rest and simple enjoyment of simple outdoor pleasures and respect for great traditions and great memories; and from the Italians, about the blessed facility of keeping in a good humor; and from the English, about minding one's own business and the sane rearing of children and obedience to the law and suppression of unnecessary noises.

Whenever I think of this last God-given attribute of the British race, I shall recall a Sunday we spent at Brighton, the favorite seaside resort of middle-class London.

Brighton was fairly bulging with excursionists that day.

A good many of them were bucolic visitors from up country, but the majority, it was plain to see, hailed from the city.

No steam carousel shrieked, no ballyhoo blared, no steam pianos shrieked, no barker barked.

Upon the piers, stretching out into the surf, bands played soothingly softened airs and along the water front, sand-artists and so-called minstrel singers plied their arts.

Some of the visitors fished--without catching anything--and some listened to the music and some strolled aimlessly or sat stolidly upon benches enjoying the sea air.

To an American, accustomed at such places to din and tumult and rushing crowds and dangerous devices for taking one's breath and sometimes one's life, it was a strange experience, but a mighty restful one.

On the other hand there are some things wherein we notably excel--entirely too many for me to undertake to enumerate them here;

still, I think I might be pardoned for enumerating a conspicuous few.

We could teach Europe a lot about creature comforts and open plumbing and personal cleanliness and good food and courtesy to women--not the flashy, cheap courtesy which impels a Continental to rise and click his heels and bend his person forward from the abdomen and bow profoundly when a strange woman enters the railway compartment where he is seated, while at the same time he leaves his wife or sister to wrestle with the heavy luggage; but the deeper, less showy instinct which makes the average American believe that every woman is entitled to his protection and consideration when she really needs it.

In the crowded street-car he may keep his seat; in the crowded lifeboat he gives it up.

I almost forgot to mention one other detail in which, so far as I could judge, we lead the whole of the Old World--dentistry.

Probably you have seen frequent mention in English publications about decayed gentlewomen.

Well, England is full of them.

It starts with the teeth.

The leisurely, long, slantwise course across the Atlantic gives one time, also, for making the acquaintance of one's fellow passengers and for wondering why some of them ever went to Europe anyway.

A source of constant speculation along these lines was the retired hay-and-feed merchant from Michigan who traveled with us.

One gathered that he had done little else in these latter years of his life except to traipse back and forth between the two continents.

What particularly endeared him to the rest of us was his lovely habit of pronouncing all words of all languages according to a fonetic system of his own.

"Yes, sir," you would hear him say, addressing a smoking-room audience of less experienced travelers, "my idee is that a fellow ought to go over on an English ship, if he likes the exclusability, and come back on a German ship if he likes the sociableness.

Take my case.

The last trip I made I come over on the Lucy Tanner and went back agin on the Grocer K. First and enjoyed it both ways immense!"

Nor would this chronicle be complete without a passing reference to the lady from Cincinnati, a widow of independent means, who was traveling with her two daughters and was so often mistaken for their sister that she could not refrain from mentioning the remarkable circumstance to you, providing you did not win her everlasting regard by mentioning it first.

Likewise I feel that I owe the tribute of a line to the elderly Britain who was engaged in a constant and highly successful demonstration of the fallacy of the claim set up by medical practitioners, to the effect that the human stomach can contain but one fluid pint at a time.

All day long, with his monocle goggling glassily from the midst of his face, like one lone porthole in a tank steamer, he disproved this statement by practical methods and promptly at nine every evening, when his complexion had acquired a rich magenta tint, he would be carried below by two accommodating stewards and put--no, not put, decanted--would be decanted gently into bed.

If anything had happened to the port-light of that ship, we could have stationed him forward in the bows with his face looming over the rail and been well within the maritime regulations--his face had a brilliancy which even the darkness of the night could not dim; and if the other light had gone out of commission, we could have impressed the aid of the bilious Armenian lady who was sick every minute and very sick for some minutes, for she was always of a glassy green color.

We learned to wait regularly for the ceremony of seeing Sir Monocle and his load toted off to bed at nine o'clock every night, just as we learned to linger in the offing and watch the nimble knife-work when the prize invalid of the ship's roster had cornered a fresh victim.

The prize invalid, it is hardly worth while to state, was of the opposite sex.

So many things ailed her--by her own confession--that you wondered how they all found room on the premises at the same time.

Her favorite evening employment was to engage another woman in conversation--preferably another invalid--and by honeyed words and congenial confidences, to lead the unsuspecting prey on and on, until she had her trapped, and then to turn on her suddenly and ridicule the other woman's puny symptoms and tell her she didn't even know the rudiments of being ill and snap her up sharply when she tried to answer back.

And then she would deliver a final sting and go away without waiting to bury her dead.

The poison was in the postscript--it nearly always is with that type of female.

But afterward she would justify herself by saying people must excuse her manner--she didn't mean anything by it; it was just her way, and they must remember that she suffered constantly.

Some day when I have time, I shall make that lady the topic of a popular song.

I have already fabricated the refrain: Her heart was in the right place, lads, but she had a floating kidney!