Character — Ch 9a - Manner--Art

"We must be gentle, now we are gentlemen."

--SHAKSPEARE.

"Manners are not idle, but the fruit Of noble nature and of loyal mind."

--TENNYSON.

"A beautiful behaviour is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues and pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts."

--EMERSON.

"Manners are often too much neglected; they are most important to men, no less than to women....

Life is too short to get over a bad manner; besides, manners are the shadows of virtues."

--THE REV.

SIDNEY SMITH.

Manner is one of the principal external graces of character.

It is the ornament of action, and often makes the commonest offices beautiful by the way in which it performs them.

It is a happy way of doing things, adorning even the smallest details of life, and contributing to render it, as a whole, agreeable and pleasant.

Manner is not so frivolous or unimportant as some may think it to be;

for it tends greatly to facilitate the business of life, as well as to sweeten and soften social intercourse.

"Virtue itself," says Bishop Middleton, "offends, when coupled with a forbidding manner."

Manner has a good deal to do with the estimation in which men are held by the world; and it has often more influence in the government of others than qualities of much greater depth and substance.

A manner at once gracious and cordial is among the greatest aids to success, and many there are who fail for want of it.

[181] For a great deal depends upon first impressions; and these are usually favourable or otherwise according to a man's courteousness and civility.

While rudeness and gruffness bar doors and shut hearts, kindness and propriety of behaviour, in which good manners consist, act as an "open sesame" everywhere.

Doors unbar before them, and they are a passport to the hearts of everybody, young and old.

There is a common saying that "Manners make the man;" but this is not so true as that "Man makes the manners."

A man may be gruff, and even rude, and yet be good at heart and of sterling character; yet he would doubtless be a much more agreeable, and probably a much more useful man, were he to exhibit that suavity of disposition and courtesy of manner which always gives a finish to the true gentleman.

Mrs. Hutchinson, in the noble portraiture of her husband, to which we have already had occasion to refer, thus describes his manly courteousness and affability of disposition:--"I cannot say whether he were more truly magnanimous or less proud; he never disdained the meanest person, nor flattered the greatest; he had a loving and sweet courtesy to the poorest, and would often employ many spare hours with the commonest soldiers and poorest labourers; but still so ordering his familiarity, that it never raised them to a contempt, but entertained still at the same time a reverence and love of him."

[182] A man's manner, to a certain extent, indicates his character.

It is the external exponent of his inner nature.

It indicates his taste, his feelings, and his temper, as well as the society to which he has been accustomed.

There is a conventional manner, which is of comparatively little importance; but the natural manner, the outcome of natural gifts, improved by careful self-culture, signifies a great deal.

Grace of manner is inspired by sentiment, which is a source of no slight enjoyment to a cultivated mind.

Viewed in this light, sentiment is of almost as much importance as talents and acquirements, while it is even more influential in giving the direction to a man s tastes and character.

Sympathy is the golden key that unlocks the hearts of others.

It not only teaches politeness and courtesy, but gives insight and unfolds wisdom, and may almost be regarded as the crowning grace of humanity.

Artificial rules of politeness are of very little use.

What passes by the name of "Etiquette" is often of the essence of unpoliteness and untruthfulness.

It consists in a great measure of posture-making, and is easily seen through.

Even at best, etiquette is but a substitute for good manners, though it is often but their mere counterfeit.

Good manners consist, for the most part, in courteousness and kindness.

Politeness has been described as the art of showing, by external signs, the internal regard we have for others.

But one may be perfectly polite to another without necessarily having a special regard for him.

Good manners are neither more nor less than beautiful behaviour.

It has been well said, that "a beautiful form is better than a beautiful face, and a beautiful behaviour is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures--it is the finest of the fine arts."

The truest politeness comes of sincerity.

It must be the outcome of the heart, or it will make no lasting impression; for no amount of polish can dispense with truthfulness.

The natural character must be allowed to appear, freed of its angularities and asperities.

Though politeness, in its best form, should [18as St. Francis de Sales says] resemble water--"best when clearest, most simple, and without taste,"--yet genius in a man will always cover many defects of manner, and much will be excused to the strong and the original.

Without genuineness and individuality, human life would lose much of its interest and variety, as well as its manliness and robustness of character.

True courtesy is kind.

It exhibits itself in the disposition to contribute to the happiness of others, and in refraining from all that may annoy them.

It is grateful as well as kind, and readily acknowledges kind actions.

Curiously enough, Captain Speke found this quality of character recognised even by the natives of Uganda on the shores of Lake Nyanza, in the heart of Africa, where, he says.

"Ingratitude, or neglecting to thank a person for a benefit conferred, is punishable."

True politeness especially exhibits itself in regard for the personality of others.

A man will respect the individuality of another if he wishes to be respected himself.

He will have due regard for his views and opinions, even though they differ from his own.

The well-mannered man pays a compliment to another, and sometimes even secures his respect, by patiently listening to him.

He is simply tolerant and forbearant, and refrains from judging harshly; and harsh judgments of others will almost invariably provoke harsh judgments of ourselves.

The unpolite impulsive man will, however, sometimes rather lose his friend than his joke.

He may surely be pronounced a very foolish person who secures another's hatred at the price of a moment's gratification.

It was a saying of Brunel the engineer--himself one of the kindest-natured of men--that "spite and ill-nature are among the most expensive luxuries in life."

Dr. Johnson once said: "Sir, a man has no more right to SAY an uncivil thing than to ACT one--no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down."

A sensible polite person does not assume to be better or wiser or richer than his neighbour.

He does not boast of his rank, or his birth, or his country; or look down upon others because they have not been born to like privileges with himself.

He does not brag of his achievements or of his calling, or "talk shop" whenever he opens his mouth.

On the contrary, in all that he says or does, he will be modest, unpretentious, unassuming; exhibiting his true character in performing rather than in boasting, in doing rather than in talking.

Want of respect for the feelings of others usually originates in selfishness, and issues in hardness and repulsiveness of manner.

It may not proceed from malignity so much as from want of sympathy and want of delicacy--a want of that perception of, and attention to, those little and apparently trifling things by which pleasure is given or pain occasioned to others.

Indeed, it may be said that in self-sacrificingness, so to speak, in the ordinary intercourse of life, mainly consists the difference between being well and ill bred.

Without some degree of self-restraint in society, a man may be found almost insufferable.

No one has pleasure in holding intercourse with such a person, and he is a constant source of annoyance to those about him.

For want of self-restraint, many men are engaged all their lives in fighting with difficulties of their own making, and rendering success impossible by their own crossgrained ungentleness; whilst others, it may be much less gifted, make their way and achieve success by simple patience, equanimity, and self-control.

It has been said that men succeed in life quite as much by their temper as by their talents.

However this may be, it is certain that their happiness depends mainly on their temperament, especially upon their disposition to be cheerful; upon their complaisance, kindliness of manner, and willingness to oblige others--details of conduct which are like the small-change in the intercourse of life, and are always in request.

Men may show their disregard of others in various unpolite ways--as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits.

The slovenly dirty person, by rendering himself physically disagreeable, sets the tastes and feelings of others at defiance, and is rude and uncivil only under another form.

David Ancillon, a Huguenot preacher of singular attractiveness, who studied and composed his sermons with the greatest care, was accustomed to say "that it was showing too little esteem for the public to take no pains in preparation, and that a man who should appear on a ceremonial-day in his nightcap and dressing-gown, could not commit a greater breach of civility."

The perfection of manner is ease--that it attracts no man's notice as such, but is natural and unaffected.

Artifice is incompatible with courteous frankness of manner.

Rochefoucauld has said that "nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire of appearing so."

Thus we come round again to sincerity and truthfulness, which find their outward expression in graciousness, urbanity, kindliness, and consideration for the feelings of others.

The frank and cordial man sets those about him at their ease.

He warms and elevates them by his presence, and wins all hearts.

Thus manner, in its highest form, like character, becomes a genuine motive power.

"The love and admiration," says Canon Kingsley, "which that truly brave and loving man, Sir Sydney Smith, won from every one, rich and poor, with whom he came in contact seems to have arisen from the one fact, that without, perhaps, having any such conscious intention, he treated rich and poor, his own servants and the noblemen his guests, alike, and alike courteously, considerately, cheerfully, affectionately--so leaving a blessing, and reaping a blessing, wherever he went."

Good manners are usually supposed to be the peculiar characteristic of persons gently born and bred, and of persons moving in the higher rather than in the lower spheres of society.

And this is no doubt to a great extent true, because of the more favourable surroundings of the former in early life.

But there is no reason why the poorest classes should not practise good manners towards each other as well as the richest.