Ruth — 27 – Preparing to Stand on the Truth

Preparing to Stand on the Truth As Ruth went along the accustomed streets, every sight and every sound seemed to bear a new meaning, and each and all to have some reference to her boy's disgrace.

She held her head down, and scudded along dizzy with fear, lest some word should have told him what she had been, and what he was, before she could reach him.

It was a wild, unreasoning fear, but it took hold of her as strongly as if it had been well founded.

And, indeed, the secret whispered by Mrs Pearson, whose curiosity and suspicion had been excited by Jemima's manner, and confirmed since by many a little corroborating circumstance, had spread abroad, and was known to most of the gossips in Eccleston before it reached Mr Bradshaw's ears.

As Ruth came up to the door of the Chapel-house, it was opened, and Leonard came out, bright and hopeful as the morning, his face radiant at the prospect of the happy day before him.

He was dressed in the clothes it had been such a pleasant pride to her to make for him.

He had the dark blue ribbon tied round his neck that she had left out for him that very morning, with a smiling thought of how it would set off his brown, handsome face.

She caught him by the hand as they met, and turned him, with his face homewards, without a word.

Her looks, her rushing movement, her silence, awed him; and although he wondered, he did not stay to ask why she did so.

The door was on the latch; she opened it, and only said, "Upstairs," in a hoarse whisper.

Up they went into her own room.

She drew him in, and bolted the door;

and then, sitting down, she placed him (she had never let go of him) before her, holding him with her hands on each of his shoulders, and gazing into his face with a woeful look of the agony that could not find vent in words.

At last she tried to speak; she tried with strong bodily effort, almost amounting to convulsion.

But the words would not come; it was not till she saw the absolute terror depicted on his face that she found utterance; and then the sight of that terror changed the words from what she meant them to have been.

She drew him to her, and laid her head upon his shoulder; hiding her face even there.

"My poor, poor boy!

my poor, poor darling!

Oh!

would that I had died--I had died, in my innocent girlhood!"

"Mother!

mother!"

sobbed Leonard.

"What is the matter?

Why do you look so wild and ill?

Why do you call me your 'poor boy'?

Are we not going to Scaurside-hill?

I don't much mind it, mother; only please don't gasp and quiver so.

Dearest mother, are you ill?

Let me call Aunt Faith!"

Ruth lifted herself up, and put away the hair that had fallen over and was blinding her eyes.

She looked at him with intense wistfulness.

"Kiss me, Leonard!"

said she--"kiss me, my darling, once more in the old way!"

Leonard threw himself into her arms and hugged her with all his force, and their lips clung together as in the kiss given to the dying.

"Leonard!"

said she at length, holding him away from her, and nerving herself up to tell him all by one spasmodic effort--"listen to me."

The boy stood breathless and still, gazing at her.

On her impetuous transit from Mr Bradshaw's to the Chapel-house, her wild, desperate thought had been that she would call herself by every violent, coarse name which the world might give her--that Leonard should hear those words applied to his mother first from her own lips; but the influence of his presence--for he was a holy and sacred creature in her eyes, and this point remained steadfast, though all the rest were upheaved--subdued her; and now it seemed as if she could not find words fine enough, and pure enough, to convey the truth that he must learn, and should learn from no tongue but hers.

"Leonard--when I was very young I did very wrong.

I think God, who knows all, will judge me more tenderly than men--but I did wrong in a way which you cannot understand yet" (she saw the red flush come into his cheek, and it stung her as the first token of that shame which was to be his portion through life)--"in a way people never forget, never forgive.

You will hear me called the hardest names that ever can be thrown at women--I have been, to-day; and, my child, you must bear it patiently, because they will be partly true.

Never get confused, by your love for me, into thinking that what I did was right.

--Where was I?"

said she, suddenly faltering, and forgetting all she had said and all she had got to say; and then, seeing Leonard's face of wonder, and burning shame and indignation, she went on more rapidly, as fearing lest her strength should fail before she had ended.

"And, Leonard," continued she, in a trembling, sad voice, "this is not all.

The punishment of punishments lies awaiting me still.

It is to see you suffer for my wrongdoing.

Yes, darling!

they will speak shameful things of you, poor innocent child!

as well as of me, who am guilty.

They will throw it in your teeth through life, that your mother was never married--was not married when you were born--" "Were not you married?

Are not you a widow?"

asked he abruptly, for the first time getting anything like a clear idea of the real state of the case.

"No!

May God forgive me, and help me!"

exclaimed she, as she saw a strange look of repugnance cloud over the boy's face, and felt a slight motion on his part to extricate himself from her hold.

It was as slight, as transient as it could be--over in an instant.

But she had taken her hands away, and covered up her face with them as quickly--covered up her face in shame before her child; and in the bitterness of her heart she was wailing out, "Oh, would to God I had died--that I had died as a baby--that I had died as a little baby hanging at my mother's breast!"

"Mother," said Leonard, timidly putting his hand on her arm; but she shrunk from him, and continued her low, passionate wailing.

"Mother," said he, after a pause, coming nearer, though she saw it not--"mammy darling," said he, using the caressing name, which he had been trying to drop as not sufficiently manly, "mammy, my own, own dear, dear, darling mother, I don't believe them--I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't!"

He broke out into a wild burst of crying as he said this.

In a moment her arms were round the poor boy, and she was hushing him up like a baby on her bosom.

"Hush, Leonard!

Leonard, be still, my child!

I have been too sudden with you!

--I have done you harm--oh!

I have done you nothing but harm," cried she, in a tone of bitter self-reproach.

"No, mother," said he, stopping his tears, and his eyes blazing out with earnestness; "there never was such a mother as you have been to me, and I won't believe any one who says it.

I won't; and I'll knock them down if they say it again, I will!"

He clenched his fist, with a fierce, defiant look on his face.

"You forget, my child," said Ruth, in the sweetest, saddest tone that ever was heard, "I said it of myself; I said it because it was true."

Leonard threw his arms tight round her, and hid his face against her bosom.

She felt him pant there like some hunted creature.

She had no soothing comfort to give him.

"Oh, that she and he lay dead!"

At last, exhausted, he lay so still and motionless, that she feared to look.

She wanted him to speak, yet dreaded his first words.

She kissed his hair, his head, his very clothes, murmuring low, inarticulate, moaning sounds.

"Leonard," said she, "Leonard, look up at me!

Leonard, look up!"

But he only clung the closer, and hid his face the more.

"My boy!"

said she, "what can I do or say?

If I tell you never to mind it--that it is nothing--I tell you false.

It is a bitter shame and a sorrow that I have drawn down upon you.

A shame, Leonard, because of me, your mother; but, Leonard, it is no disgrace or lowering of you in the eyes of God."

She spoke now as if she had found the clue which might lead him to rest and strength at last.

"Remember that, always.

Remember that, when the time of trial comes--and it seems a hard and cruel thing that you should be called reproachful names by men, and all for what was no fault of yours--remember God's pity and God's justice; and though my sin shall have made you an outcast in the world--oh, my child, my child!"

--(she felt him kiss her, as if mutely trying to comfort her--it gave her strength to go on)--"remember, darling of my heart, it is only your own sin that can make you an outcast from God."

She grew so faint that her hold of him relaxed.

He looked up affrighted.

He brought her water--he threw it over her; in his terror at the notion that she was going to die and leave him, he called her by every fond name, imploring her to open her eyes.

When she partially recovered, he helped her to the bed, on which she lay still, wan and death-like.

She almost hoped the swoon that hung around her might be Death, and in that imagination she opened her eyes to take a last look at her boy.

She saw him pale and terror-stricken; and pity for his affright roused her, and made her forget herself in the wish that he should not see her death, if she were indeed dying.

"Go to Aunt Faith!"

whispered she; "I am weary, and want sleep."

Leonard arose slowly and reluctantly.

She tried to smile upon him, that what she thought would be her last look might dwell in his remembrance as tender and strong; she watched him to the door; she saw him hesitate, and return to her.

He came back to her, and said in a timid, apprehensive tone: "Mother--will _they_ speak to me about--it?"

Ruth closed her eyes, that they might not express the agony she felt, like a sharp knife, at this question.

Leonard had asked it with a child's desire of avoiding painful and mysterious topics,--from no personal sense of shame as she understood it, shame beginning thus early, thus instantaneously.

"No," she replied.

"You may be sure they will not."

So he went.

But now she would have been thankful for the unconsciousness of fainting; that one little speech bore so much meaning to her hot, irritable brain.

Mr and Miss Benson, all in their house, would never speak to the boy--but in his home alone would he be safe from what he had already learnt to dread.

Every form in which shame and opprobrium could overwhelm her darling, haunted her.

She had been exercising strong self-control for his sake ever since she had met him at the house-door; there was now a reaction.

His presence had kept her mind on its perfect balance.

When that was withdrawn, the effect of the strain of power was felt.

And athwart the fever-mists that arose to obscure her judgment, all sorts of will-o'-the-wisp plans flittered before her; tempting her to this and that course of action--to anything rather than patient endurance--to relieve her present state of misery by some sudden spasmodic effort, that took the semblance of being wise and right.

Gradually all her desires, all her longing, settled themselves on one point.

What had she done--what could she do, to Leonard, but evil?

If she were away, and gone no one knew where--lost in mystery, as if she were dead--perhaps the cruel hearts might relent, and show pity on Leonard; while her perpetual presence would but call up the remembrance of his birth.

Thus she reasoned in her hot, dull brain;

and shaped her plans in accordance.

Leonard stole downstairs noiselessly.

He listened to find some quiet place where he could hide himself.

The house was very still.

Miss Benson thought the purposed expedition had taken place, and never dreamed but that Ruth and Leonard were on distant, sunny Scaurside-hill; and after a very early dinner, she had set out to drink tea with a farmer's wife who lived in the country two or three miles off.

Mr Benson meant to have gone with her; but while they were at dinner, he had received an unusually authoritative note from Mr Bradshaw desiring to speak with him, so he went to that gentleman's house instead.

Sally was busy in her kitchen, making a great noise (not unlike a groom rubbing down a horse) over her cleaning.

Leonard stole into the sitting-room, and crouched behind the large old-fashioned sofa to ease his sore, aching heart, by crying with all the prodigal waste and abandonment of childhood.

Mr Benson was shown into Mr Bradshaw's own particular room.

The latter gentleman was walking up and down, and it was easy to perceive that something had occurred to chafe him to great anger.

"Sit down, sir!"

said he to Mr Benson, nodding to a chair.

Mr Benson sat down.

But Mr Bradshaw continued his walk for a few minutes longer without speaking.

Then he stopped abruptly, right in front of Mr Benson; and in a voice which he tried to render calm, but which trembled with passion--with a face glowing purple as he thought of his wrongs (and real wrongs they were), he began: "Mr Benson, I have sent for you to ask--I am almost too indignant at the bare suspicion to speak as becomes me--but did you--I really shall be obliged to beg your pardon, if you are as much in the dark as I was yesterday as to the character of that woman who lives under your roof?"

There was no answer from Mr Benson.

Mr Bradshaw looked at him very earnestly.

His eyes were fixed on the ground--he made no inquiry--he uttered no expression of wonder or dismay.

Mr Bradshaw ground his foot on the floor with gathering rage; but just as he was about to speak, Mr Benson rose up--a poor deformed old man--before the stern and portly figure that was swelling and panting with passion.

"Hear me, sir!"

(stretching out his hand as if to avert the words which were impending).

"Nothing you can say, can upbraid me like my own conscience; no degradation you can inflict, by word or deed, can come up to the degradation I have suffered for years, at being a party to a deceit, even for a good end--" "For a good end!

--Nay!

what next?"

The taunting contempt with which Mr Bradshaw spoke these words almost surprised himself by what he imagined must be its successful power of withering; but in spite of it, Mr Benson lifted his grave eyes to Mr Bradshaw's countenance, and repeated: "For a good end.

The end was not, as perhaps you consider it to have been, to obtain her admission into your family--nor yet to put her in the way of gaining her livelihood; my sister and I would willingly have shared what we have with her; it was our intention to do so at first, if not for any length of time, at least as long as her health might require it.

Why I advised (perhaps I only yielded to advice) a change of name--an assumption of a false state of widowhood--was because I earnestly desired to place her in circumstances in which she might work out her self-redemption; and you, sir, know how terribly the world goes against all such as have sinned as Ruth did.

She was so young, too."

"You mistake, sir; my acquaintance has not lain so much among that class of sinners as to give me much experience of the way in which they are treated.

But, judging from what I have seen, I should say they meet with full as much leniency as they deserve; and supposing they do not--I know there are plenty of sickly sentimentalists just now who reserve all their interest and regard for criminals--why not pick out one of these to help you in your task of washing the blackamoor white?

Why choose me to be imposed upon--my household into which to intrude your protégée?

Why were my innocent children to be exposed to corruption?

I say," said Mr Bradshaw, stamping his foot, "how dared you come into this house, where you were looked upon as a minister of religion, with a lie in your mouth?

How dared you single me out, of all people, to be gulled and deceived, and pointed at through the town as the person who had taken an abandoned woman into his house to teach his daughters?"

"I own my deceit was wrong and faithless."

"Yes!

you can own it, now it is found out!

There is small merit in that, I think!"

"Sir!

I claim no merit.

I take shame to myself.

I did not single you out.

You applied to me with your proposal that Ruth should be your children's governess."

"Pah!"

"And the temptation was too great-- No!

I will not say that--but the temptation was greater than I could stand--it seemed to open out a path of usefulness."

"Now, don't let me hear you speak so," said Mr Bradshaw, blazing up.

"I can't stand it.

It is too much to talk in that way when the usefulness was to consist in contaminating my innocent girls."

"God knows that if I had believed there had been any danger of such contamination--God knows how I would have died sooner than have allowed her to enter your family.

Mr Bradshaw, you believe me, don't you?"

asked Mr Benson, earnestly.

"I really must be allowed the privilege of doubting what you say in future," said Mr Bradshaw, in a cold, contemptuous manner.

"I have deserved this," Mr Benson replied.

"But," continued he, after a moment's pause, "I will not speak of myself, but of Ruth.

Surely, sir, the end I aimed at (the means I took to obtain it were wrong;

you cannot feel that more than I do) was a right one; and you will not--you cannot say, that your children have suffered from associating with her.

I had her in my family, under the watchful eyes of three anxious persons for a year or more; we saw faults--no human being is without them--and poor Ruth's were but slight venial errors;

but we saw no sign of a corrupt mind--no glimpse of boldness or forwardness--no token of want of conscientiousness; she seemed, and was, a young and gentle girl, who had been led astray before she fairly knew what life was."

"I suppose most depraved women have been innocent in their time," said Mr Bradshaw, with bitter contempt.

"Oh, Mr Bradshaw!

Ruth was not depraved, and you know it.

You cannot have seen her--have known her daily, all these years, without acknowledging that!"

Mr Benson was almost breathless, awaiting Mr Bradshaw's answer.

The quiet self-control which he had maintained so long, was gone now.

"I saw her daily--I did _not_ know her.

If I had known her, I should have known she was fallen and depraved, and consequently not fit to come into my house, nor to associate with my pure children."

"Now I wish God would give me power to speak out convincingly what I believe to be His truth, that not every woman who has fallen is depraved; that many--how many the Great Judgment Day will reveal to those who have shaken off the poor, sore, penitent hearts on earth--many, many crave and hunger after a chance for virtue--the help which no man gives to them--help--that gentle, tender help which Jesus gave once to Mary Magdalen."

Mr Benson was almost choked by his own feelings.

"Come, come, Mr Benson, let us have no more of this morbid way of talking.

The world has decided how such women are to be treated; and, you may depend upon it, there is so much practical wisdom in the world that its way of acting is right in the long run, and that no one can fly in its face with impunity, unless, indeed, they stoop to deceit and imposition."

"I take my stand with Christ against the world," said Mr Benson, solemnly, disregarding the covert allusion to himself.

"What have the world's ways ended in?

Can we be much worse than we are?"

"Speak for yourself, if you please."

"Is it not time to change some of our ways of thinking and acting?

I

declare before God, that if I believe in any one human truth, it is this--that to every woman who, like Ruth, has sinned, should be given a chance of self-redemption--and that such a chance should be given in no supercilious or contemptuous manner, but in the spirit of the holy Christ."

"Such as getting her into a friend's house under false colours."

"I do not argue on Ruth's case.

In that I have acknowledged my error.

I do not argue on any case.

I state my firm belief, that it is God's will that we should not dare to trample any of His creatures down to the hopeless dust; that it is God's will that the women who have fallen should be numbered among those who have broken hearts to be bound up, not cast aside as lost beyond recall.

If this be God's will, as a thing of God it will stand; and He will open a way."

"I should have attached much more importance to all your exhortation on this point if I could have respected your conduct in other matters.

As it is, when I see a man who has deluded himself into considering falsehood right, I am disinclined to take his opinion on subjects connected with morality; and I can no longer regard him as a fitting exponent of the will of God.

You perhaps understand what I mean, Mr Benson.

I can no longer attend your chapel."

If Mr Benson had felt any hope of making Mr Bradshaw's obstinate mind receive the truth, that he acknowledged and repented of his connivance at the falsehood by means of which Ruth had been received into the Bradshaw family, this last sentence prevented his making the attempt.

He simply bowed and took his leave--Mr Bradshaw attending him to the door with formal ceremony.

He felt acutely the severance of the tie which Mr Bradshaw had just announced to him.

He had experienced many mortifications in his intercourse with that gentleman, but they had fallen off from his meek spirit like drops of water from a bird's plumage; and now he only remembered the acts of substantial kindness rendered (the ostentation all forgotten)--many happy hours and pleasant evenings--the children whom he had loved dearer than he thought till now--the young people about whom he had cared, and whom he had striven to lead aright.

He was but a young man when Mr Bradshaw first came to his chapel; they had grown old together; he had never recognised Mr Bradshaw as an old familiar friend so completely as now when they were severed.

It was with a heavy heart that he opened his own door.

He went to his study immediately; he sat down to steady himself into his position.

How long he was there--silent and alone--reviewing his life--confessing his sins--he did not know; but he heard some unusual sound in the house that disturbed him--roused him to present life.

A slow, languid step came along the passage to the front door--the breathing was broken by many sighs.

Ruth's hand was on the latch when Mr Benson came out.

Her face was very white, except two red spots on each cheek--her eyes were deep-sunk and hollow, but glittered with feverish lustre.

"Ruth!"

exclaimed he.

She moved her lips, but her throat and mouth were too dry for her to speak.

"Where are you going?"

asked he; for she had all her walking things on, yet trembled so, even as she stood, that it was evident she could not walk far without falling.

She hesitated--she looked up at him, still with the same dry glittering eyes.

At last she whispered (for she could only speak in a whisper), "To Helmsby--I am going to Helmsby."

"Helmsby!

my poor girl--may God have mercy upon you!"

for he saw she hardly knew what she was saying.

"Where is Helmsby?"

"I don't know.

In Lincolnshire, I think."

"But why are you going there?"

"Hush!

he's asleep," said she, as Mr Benson had unconsciously raised his voice.

"Who is asleep?"

asked Mr Benson.

"That poor little boy," said she, beginning to quiver and cry.

"Come here!"

said he, authoritatively, drawing her into the study.

"Sit down in that chair.

I will come back directly."

He went in search of his sister, but she had not returned.

Then he had recourse to Sally, who was as busy as ever about her cleaning.

"How long has Ruth been at home?"

asked he.

"Ruth!

She has never been at home sin' morning.

She and Leonard were to be off for the day somewhere or other with them Bradshaw girls."

"Then she has had no dinner?"

"Not here, at any rate.

I can't answer for what she may have done at other places."

"And Leonard--where is he?"

"How should I know?

With his mother, I suppose.

Leastways, that was what was fixed on.

I've enough to do of my own, without routing after other folks."

She went on scouring in no very good temper.

Mr Benson stood silent for a moment.

"Sally," he said, "I want a cup of tea.

Will you make it as soon as you can; and some dry toast too?

I'll come for it in ten minutes."

Struck by something in his voice, she looked up at him for the first time.

"What ha' ye been doing to yourself, to look so grim and grey?

Tiring yourself all to tatters, looking after some naught, I'll be bound!

Well!

well!

I mun make ye your tea, I reckon; but I did hope as you grew older you'd ha' grown wiser!"

Mr Benson made no reply, but went to look for Leonard, hoping that the child's presence might bring back to his mother the power of self-control.

He opened the parlour-door, and looked in, but saw no one.

Just as he was shutting it, however, he heard a deep, broken, sobbing sigh; and, guided by the sound, he found the boy lying on the floor, fast asleep, but with his features all swollen and disfigured by passionate crying.

"Poor child!

This was what she meant, then," thought Mr Benson.

"He has begun his share of the sorrows too," he continued, pitifully.

"No!

I will not waken him back to consciousness."

So he returned alone into the study.

Ruth sat where he had placed her, her head bent back, and her eyes shut.

But when he came in she started up.

"I must be going," she said, in a hurried way.

"Nay, Ruth, you must not go.

You must not leave us.

We cannot do without you.

We love you too much."

"Love me!"

said she, looking at him wistfully.

As she looked, her eyes filled slowly with tears.

It was a good sign, and Mr Benson took heart to go on.

"Yes!

Ruth.

You know we do.

You may have other things to fill up your mind just now, but you know we love you; and nothing can alter our love for you.

You ought not to have thought of leaving us.

You would not, if you had been quite well."

"Do you know what has happened?"

she asked, in a low, hoarse voice.

"Yes.

I know all," he answered.

"It makes no difference to us.

Why should it?"

"Oh!

Mr Benson, don't you know that my shame is discovered?"