Merry Wives of Windsor (version 2) — Act III
Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.
EVANS.
I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE.
Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
EVANS.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way.
SIMPLE.
I will, Sir.
[_Exit Simple.
_] EVANS
Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind!
I shall be glad if he have deceived me.
How melancholies I am!
I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ’ork.
Pless my soul!
[_Sings.
_] _To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow_— Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
[_Sings.
_] _Melodious birds sing madrigals— Whenas I sat in Pabylon— And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals.
_ Enter Simple.
SIMPLE
Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
EVANS.
He’s welcome.
[_Sings.
_] _To shallow rivers, to whose falls—_ Heaven prosper the right!
What weapons is he?
SIMPLE.
No weapons, sir.
There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
EVANS.
Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it in your arms.
Enter Page, Shallow and Slender.
SHALLOW
How now, Master Parson?
Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
SLENDER.
[_Aside_.
] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE.
God save you, good Sir Hugh!
EVANS.
God pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW.
What, the sword and the word?
Do you study them both, Master Parson?
PAGE.
And youthful still—in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day?
EVANS.
There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE.
We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.
EVANS.
Fery well; what is it?
PAGE.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
SHALLOW.
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.
EVANS.
What is he?
PAGE.
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.
EVANS.
Got’s will and His passion of my heart!
I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE.
Why?
EVANS.
He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, and he is a knave besides, a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
PAGE.
I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
SLENDER.
[_Aside_.
] O, sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW.
It appears so by his weapons.
Keep them asunder.
Here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, Caius and Rugby.
PAGE
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW.
So do you, good Master Doctor.
HOST.
Disarm them, and let them question.
Let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
CAIUS.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Verefore will you not meet-a me?
EVANS.
[_Aside to Caius_.
] Pray you, use your patience.
In good time.
CAIUS.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
EVANS.
[_Aside to Caius_.
] Pray you, let us not be laughing stocks to other men’s humours.
I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
[_Aloud_.
] By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb.
CAIUS.
_Diable!
_ Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to kill him?
Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
EVANS.
As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed.
I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.
HOST.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
CAIUS.
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
HOST.
Peace, I say!
Hear mine host of the Garter.
Am I politic?
Am I subtle?
Am I a Machiavel?
Shall I lose my doctor?
No, he gives me the potions and the motions.
Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh?
No, he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.
[_To Caius_.
] Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so.
[_To Evans_.
] Give me thy hand, celestial; so.
Boys of art, I have deceived you both.
I have directed you to wrong places.
Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue.
Come, lay their swords to pawn.
Follow me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.
[_Exit Host.
_] SHALLOW.
Afore God, a mad host!
Follow, gentlemen, follow.
SLENDER.
[_Aside_.
] O, sweet Anne Page!
[_Exeunt Shallow, Slender and Page.
_] CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat?
Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
EVANS.
This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog.
I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
CAIUS.
By gar, with all my heart.
He promise to bring me where is Anne Page;
by gar, he deceive me too.
EVANS.
Well, I will smite his noddles.
Pray you follow.
[_Exeunt.
_] SCENE II.
A street in Windsor Enter Mistress Page following Robin.
MISTRESS PAGE.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant.
You were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader.
Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?
ROBIN.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.
MISTRESS PAGE.
O, you are a flattering boy!
Now I see you’ll be a courtier.
Enter Ford.
FORD
Well met, Mistress Page.
Whither go you?
MISTRESS PAGE.
Truly, sir, to see your wife.
Is she at home?
FORD.
Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company.
I think if your husbands were dead you two would marry.
MISTRESS PAGE.
Be sure of that—two other husbands.
FORD.
Where had you this pretty weathercock?
MISTRESS PAGE.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of.
What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?
ROBIN.
Sir John Falstaff.
FORD.
Sir John Falstaff!
MISTRESS PAGE.
He, he; I can never hit on’s name.
There is such a league between my good man and he!
Is your wife at home indeed?
FORD.
Indeed she is.
MISTRESS PAGE.
By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her.
[_Exeunt Mistress Page and Robin.
_] FORD
Has Page any brains?
Hath he any eyes?
Hath he any thinking?
Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score.
He pieces out his wife’s inclination, he gives her folly motion and advantage.
And now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her.
A man may hear this shower sing in the wind.
And Falstaff’s boy with her!
Good plots they are laid, and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon, and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.
[_Clock strikes_.
] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search.
There I shall find Falstaff.
I shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there.
I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, Caius and Rugby.
SHALLOW, PAGE, etc. Well met, Master Ford.
FORD.
Trust me, a good knot.
I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me.
SHALLOW.
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
SLENDER.
And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.
SHALLOW.
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
SLENDER.
I hope I have your good will, father Page.
PAGE.
You have, Master Slender, I stand wholly for you.
—But my wife, Master doctor, is for you altogether.
CAIUS.
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me!
My nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
HOST.
What say you to young Master Fenton?
He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May.
He will carry ’t, he will carry ’t. ’Tis in his buttons he will carry ’t. PAGE.
Not by my consent, I promise you.
The gentleman is of no having.
He kept company with the wild Prince and Poins.
He is of too high a region, he knows too much.
No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance.
If he take her, let him take her simply.
The wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
FORD.
I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner.
Besides your cheer, you shall have sport: I will show you a monster.
Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW.
Well, fare you well.
We shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s. [_Exeunt Shallow and Slender.
_] CAIUS
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
[_Exit Rugby.
_] HOST
Farewell, my hearts.
I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
[_Exit Host.
_] FORD
[_Aside_.
] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him; I’ll make him dance.
—Will you go, gentles?
ALL.
Have with you to see this monster.
[_Exeunt.
_] SCENE III.
A room in Ford’s house Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
MISTRESS FORD.
What, John!
What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE.
Quickly, quickly!
Is the buck-basket— MISTRESS FORD.
I warrant.
—What, Robin, I say!
Enter John and Robert with a great buck-basket.
MISTRESS PAGE.
Come, come, come.
MISTRESS FORD.
Here, set it down.
MISTRESS PAGE.
Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
MISTRESS FORD.
Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without any pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders.
That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
MISTRESS PAGE.
You will do it?
MISTRESS FORD.
I ha’ told them over and over, they lack no direction.
—Be gone, and come when you are called.
[_Exeunt John and Robert.
_] MISTRESS PAGE.
Here comes little Robin.
Enter Robin.
MISTRESS FORD.
How now, my eyas-musket, what news with you?
ROBIN.
My Master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
