Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 22, July, 1921 — Questions and Answers, and Another Jellyfish
_Questions and Answers_ =Dear Captain Billy=—What is meant by “A third rail girl?
”—=Inoa Recipe.
= It probably means one dangerous to touch.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Billy=—What is your idea of the height of indifference?
—=Goofey Gander.
= Spilling coffee in your lap and not caring which leg it runs down.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Billy=—What is the difference between kissing a horse and an ugly girl?
—=Paul Bearer.
= No difference whatever.
In either case it’s a horse on you.
* * * * * =Dear Whiz Bang Bill=—I am a great lover of literature, but find that friends borrow my books to read.
Did you ever hear of anything like it?
—=Oliver Mudd.
= We know an old fogy who married a flapper.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Billy=—My sweetheart got angry at me last night and said I had feet like a camel.
What did he mean?
—=Rebeccah.
= He probably inferred that your feet had gone too long without water.
* * * * * =Dear Capt. Whiz Bang=—A friend informs me his wife ran away with a “bank walker.
” I have heard of bank tellers and bank cashiers, but never heard of a “bank walker.
” Please tell me what he meant?
—=Bob Sledd.
= Your query has been referred to the swimming editor.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Billy=—Will you please tell me the origin of the expression: “Mother, who is this silly ass?
”—=S. O.
Elly.
= It originated in France after the close of the war when a poilu returned and, finding his home disrupted, left again to vow further vengeance on the German.
* * * * * =Dear Cap=—Please tell me how to grow fat.
—=Slim Jim.
= Breed hogs.
* * * * * =Dear Skipper Bill=—What is a cure for a horse that slobbers?
—=Artie Fishel.
= Teach him to spit.
* * * * * =Dear Skipper=—What is the difference between a sewing machine and a kiss?
—=B.
Qrious.
= One sews seams nice and the other seams sew nice.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Whiskers=—What is a crazy bone?
—=Howe D. Dew.
= A dollar spent on a girl.
* * * * * =Dear Kapten Billy=—An electriek trolly goes through my corn feild.
Would it be against the law to uze it to shock my corn with?
—=O.
G.
Kroakim.
= No, but be careful and not let the juice wet the kernels.
* * * * * =Dear Skipper=—What is meant by “self respect”?
—=Dottie Dimple.
= Self respect, Dottie, is a comfortable feeling one has in having escaped detection.
* * * * * =Dear “Skipper”=—Who was the Duke of Peruna?
—=C.
C.
Pill.
= Lydia Pinkham’s husband.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Bill=—Please give me a definition of a cannibal.
—=Student.
= Sure.
One who loves his fellow man.
* * * * * =Dear Skipper=—Kindly furnish me with an illustration of “Poetry of Motion.
”—=Awsthetic Awlice.
= How would this be: A picnic girl with a bug down her back?
* * * * * =Dear Skipper=—Do leaves of trees turn red in the fall from blushing because they are showing naked limbs?
—=Bon Jurrows.
= No, it’s because they realize how green they were all summer.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Billy=—I had a tussle with my beau last night.
How may I recover myself?
—=Petite Fifi.
= Go to a tailor.
* * * * * =Dear Capt. Billy=—I am ambitious for a career on the stage.
Can you suggest an act that will be entirely new and up-to-date?
—=Art Gumm.
= Why not try kicking a giraffe in the mouth?
* * * * * =Dear Cap=—I am a member of a newly formed organization known as the “Woman Hater’s Union.
” Could you suggest a motto for our association?
—=Fat Chance.
= “Oh, kill me now and call it the end of a perfect day.
” * * * * * =Dear Skipper=—When is a good girl not a good girl?
—=McNotty.
= About half the time, we’d say.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Billy=—What is the difference between a rehearsal and a show?
—=Plain Jane.
= A rehearsal is the same as a show, only nobody comes around to see it.
* * * * * =Dear Captain Bullybeef=—My fiance says I have a peachy complexion.
What does he mean?
—=Kitty Furr.
= He probably infers, Kitty, that you have a yellow and orange shade with fuzz on your face.
* * * * * =Dear Doctor Bill=—Why, oh why, did the police inspect her?
—=The Duke o’ Dubuque.
= Possibly to help the “deek” detect her.
* * * * * A convalescent requiring whisky and beer for rapid recovery is convalescent all over except his thirst, and that’s in the acute stages.
* * * * * Another Jellyfish “Boys,” asked the school master, “what do you consider the most beautiful thing in the world?
” “Sunshine,” hazarded one boy.
“Flowers,” ventured another.
Both answers were received with favor, and the turn went to a hefty youth.
“A woman,” announced he gruffly.
“Come out here,” commanded the master, sternly.
A good flogging was administered; and then the offender was bidden to go home and tell his father that he had been flogged, and why.
Next morning the floggee was again hauled up.
“Did you tell your father that you had been flogged?
” asked the master.
“Yes, sir.
” “Did you tell him why?
” “Yes, sir.
” “What did he say?
” “Please, sir, dad and I talked it all over between us, and we’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something funny about you.
” _Whiz Bang Editorials_
