Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 22, July, 1921 — Our Rural Mail Box
_Our Rural Mail Box_ =Teny Sun=—The best way to prevent your dog from suffering with the heat in July is to kill him in June.
* * * * * =Monk E. Byte=—I’m sure I can’t answer your question as to why a girl’s eyelids drop down whenever she kisses a man.
But where there’s no sense, there’s no feeling, y’ know.
* * * * * =Manicurist=—I don’t blame you for refusing to manicure the nails of the fellow with St. Vitus’ dance.
* * * * * =Out West=—If you are lonesome for Cape Cod, why not rub fresh herring on yourself and dream you are back home?
* * * * * =L.
Bow=—If your trousers are too short, pull up your shoes.
* * * * * =Hop Head=—Flop your ears, there’s a fly on your neck.
* * * * * =Pope=—Yes, Pope, we succeeded in making our own moon shine.
* * * * * A Ladies’ Man Tho I’m growing old and feeble, And my hair is turning grey;
And my youth has died within me, And my teeth have passed away— Tho my strength is fastly failing, And a hump is on my back;
And my bones are getting stiffer, And my heart is out of whack— Every time I go out walking, Some fair dame is bound to fall, Nothing in the world can stop them— I’m a Ladies’ Man—That’s all.
* * * * * My friend Wheeler says that many a man who is a good shot in this world hopes he’ll miss-fire in the next.
* * * * * Some women allow their husbands to kiss them for sake of contrast.
* * * * * Some evening gowns allow a woman to put up a very bold front.
* * * * * The proper length for skirts as decreed by fashion is a little over two feet.
* * * * * Don’t cry Mary-Anne, and there’s no use to talk, ’Cause this is the time that we’ve both got to walk.
* * * * * A man never knows his real value until he’s sued for breach of promise.
_Jest Jokes and Jingles_ Gertie—“Why don’t you get a husband?
” Sophie—“Not for me, Gert, I’ve a friend who has one.
” * * * * * Timidity A timid girl is Bessie Bates, She doesn’t kiss, she osculates.
* * * * * “Do you really love me?
” she wrote.
“Referring to my last letter,” he promptly replied, “you’ll find that I love you devotedly on page one, madly on page two, and passionately on pages three, four and five.
” * * * * * Think It Over And the best and worst of this is: That neither is most to blame, If you’ve forgotten my kisses, And I’ve forgotten your name— * * * * * Our Advice If your limb is pretty, show it;
If your cash is plenty, go it;
If your horn is noisy, blow it.
* * * * * Why Did He Shaker?
Because he saw The Spoon Holder The Potato Masher The Lemon Squeezer The Egg Beater The Can Opener The Nut Cracker But when he saw The Cork Puller He gave her up.
* * * * * A Good Education A Jewish father, entertaining some friends, told his four-year-old son, Abie, to stand on a chair.
“Now, Abie,” he said, “jump to fadder.
” As soon as Abie jumped, the father stepped out of the way and let the boy fall on his face on the floor.
Asked why he had done so, the father replied: “I am teaching dot boy not to trust anybody, not even his own fadder.
” * * * * * Write Your Own Heading A young lady went into a department store and told the clerk she wanted a pair of garters.
“What kind?
” he asked.
“Rubber,” said she.
* * * * * Yes, Gwendolyn, a divorce suit is the opposite to a union suit.
* * * * * Little Willie’s definition of a kiss is something I got in my mouth and you got in your mouth and we push our mouths together.
* * * * * HE KISSED ME,
And oh, the ecstacy of that fond embrace.
HE KISSED ME,
And he got a slap in the face.
HE KISSED ME,
And got a thump on the chin.
But— HE KISSED ME,
Agin and agin.
* * * * * Our Monthly Motto Have you a little wimpus in your home?
* * * * * Nowadays a girl doesn’t think she is well dressed unless she is almost undressed.
* * * * * Some girls are built for short dresses while others use poor judgment.
* * * * * When Miss Failure thinks she has you cinched, then along comes Miss Success, who bids you follow her and wear diamonds.
* * * * * Cheer Up, Brother!
Anticipation is the mother of realization, so there is nothing like hoping for the best.
* * * * * It Feels So Good A patient at the Traverse hospital for insane had a mallet in his pocket, and at regular intervals he would take it out and bang himself over the head with it.
Asked why he punished himself that way, he replied: “Because it feels so good when I stop.
” * * * * * But for God’s sake, don’t tell my mother.
She thinks I’m running a blind pig.
* * * * * PERFUME LEADS TO DIVORCE—Headline Ah, and well do we know the brand.
* * * * * “You gotta show me, I’m from Missouri,” said the big man.
“Well, watch me—I’m from Elgin,” said the little fellow.
* * * * * By crossing a rum hound with a Volstead water spaniel, efficient R hounds have been produced.
These dogs have an unerring scent for prescription-peddling physicians.
* * * * * When asked to join the game he declined, saying he had a hundred reasons for not playing.
“Give us one,” they asked.
“The first one is, I haven’t any money.
” “You can stick the other 99 in your hip-pocket,” came the final chorus.
* * * * * “Speaking of famous springs,” said the tramp to the tourist, “I bathed in the spring of ’86. ” * * * * * _Many are dressed, but few are clothed.
_ * * * * * There is no prospect of an early reduction in the wages of sin.
* * * * * A Sad, Sad Tale Lotsa money, Matri-mony, Blown money, Dishar-mony, Testi-mony, Ali-mony.
* * * * * The Shooting of Dan McGrew Robert W. Service’s great poem will take a leading place in the WINTER ANNUAL of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang out in October, together with “The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band,” “The Face on the Barroom Floor,” “Lasca” (in full), Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” and scores of other red-blooded gems.
In addition to the Smokehouse Poetry section, there will be stories, jokes, jests, jingles, mail bag, questions and answers and a galaxy of illustrations.
The Annual will be apart from the regular October issue and will be on sale as long as the supply lasts.
Our first annual, 1920, sold out within two weeks.
Only three months to wait.
* * * * * Special Sale on 3,700 Books of =FAMOUS PICTURES= Reproduced from Renowned Paintings by the World’s Greatest Artists.
The Finest Collection of Figure Studies Ever Published [Illustration] KENYON COX in SCRIBNER’S MAGAZINE, says: With the Greeks and Florentines it was a delight in the beauty of form, in which the human figure exceeds all other beautiful things.
The Venetians added a delight in the exquisite color and texture of the flesh.
They first perceived that not only was the human body the noblest in form and line of all existing objects, but in color and softness and exquisiteness of Light and Shade, the flesh of a woman was more lovely than pearls or flowers, so a new art of “NUDE” came into existence.
The figure no longer stood for the expression of abstract idea, but was painted for its own BEAUTY as men paint FLOWERS or LANDSCAPES.
Photographic reproduction in black and white of the famous paintings of the world.
These pictures in the originals hang in the renowned galleries of America and Europe.
ARTISTS and ART STUDENTS will find a marvelous variety of FULL FIGURE STUDIES, that will answer every purpose of a model.
Art Collectors and all lovers of real Art Pictures, will find this the most complete collection of genuine ART STUDIES ever offered.
Almost all the world’s old masters are listed.
Printed on heavy enamel paper, making the pictures look most life-like.
Contains 350 pages, size 7 × 10½ inches, handsomely cloth bound, attractive cover design.
AN ART ALBUM OF GREAT PAINTINGS
Over 300 Pictures—All Fully Explained and Described—together with a short history of the life and works of each artist.
No Art Library is Complete Without a Copy.
=For Art Students Especially This Book Is a Valuable Aid—Over 300 Art Studies at About One Cent Each= =Price, Boxed= =. 50= One copy of Famous Pictures, Book and Catalogue “A” =. 00= One copy of Famous Pictures, Book and 25 Art Nudes =5. 00= One copy of Famous Pictures, Book and 50 Art Nudes =6. 00= Shipped by sealed express within five hours after receipt of order.
THE AMERICAN ART COMPANY
Wholesale and Retail JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U.
S.
A.
* * * * * GENUINE PHOTOGRAPHS
We are headquarters for photographs and pictures of all kinds, offering the most complete line in the country.
Catalogue “A,” 1921 edition, now ready.
Contains illustrations of 409 Nude and Semi-Nude, 304 Bathing Girl, 192 Movie Star and 49 Statuary Photographs.
More than 1,000 illustrations in all.
Shipped by PREPAID EXPRESS.
Price =. 00= per copy.
25 Art Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike . 00 25 Semi-Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 2. 00 50 Art Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 3. 00 50 Semi-Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 3. 00 100 Art Nude and Semi-Nude, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 5. 00 12 Semi-Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike . 00 16 Statuary Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 1. 00 20 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 1. 00 20 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 1. 00 50 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 2. 50 50 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 2. 50 100 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 4. 00 100 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 4. 00 250 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 10. 00 500 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 20. 00 12 Art Nudes, size 8 × 10, excellent poses, all different . 00 25 Art Nudes, size 8 × 10, excellent poses, all different 15. 00 50 Art Nudes, size 7½ × 9½, our leading sellers, no two alike 25. 00 100 Art Nudes, size 7½ × 9½, excellent poses, all different 50. 00 25 Art Nudes, size 5 × 7, no two alike . 00 50 Art Nudes, size 5 × 7, no two alike 20. 00 100 Art Nudes, size 5 × 7, no two alike 35. 00 SPECIAL ASSORTMENT
In order that you may become acquainted with our line of beautiful nudes, we will forward, upon receipt of =Ten Dollars=, a special assortment of twelve genuine photographs, comprising four each of the following sizes: 7½ × 9½, 8 × 10 and 11 × 14. If the selection does not prove entirely satisfactory upon receipt, you may return the same to us intact, and we will immediately refund your money.
Art Nudes are shipped by sealed express.
Remit by money order or bank draft.
All orders shipped promptly.
THE AMERICAN ART COMPANY
Wholesale and Retail JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U.
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A.
* * * * * _Everywhere!
_ _Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.
[Illustration] *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, VOL. 2, NO.
22, JULY, 1921 ***
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