Mr Hogarth's Will — An Evening at Mr Rennie's, part 2

"I am reconsidering the matter," said Jane.

"I suppose if I make up my mind to it, the sooner I apply the better."

"I should say so," said Mrs. Rennie.

"I am sure Mr. Rennie will give you all his influence, for he says you appear to be such a capable person.

He told us all about your turn for figures and ledgers, and that sort of thing."

"I have naturally strong nerves, too," said Jane.

"Oh, they say it is nothing being in such a place, when you once get used to it."

"But what would become of my poor sister?"

said Jane.

"We did so much wish to be together; and in such a situation I could see so little of her."

"That would be the case in any situation; and what is there to prevent her from getting one for herself?"

"Just as much and more than prevents me.

Still, twenty-four and thirty pounds a year would keep her tolerably comfortable till she can get employment or meets with success otherwise," said Jane, half thinking aloud.

"I think I will write out my application when we get home to-night."

"Where are you staying--in Edinburgh?"

asked Mrs. Rennie.

"At my cousin's." "At Mr. Hogarth's?

--you do not mean to say so!"

"He asked me to come and stay with him while I inquired about this situation, or anything else that might appear to be better.

You know I cannot afford to take lodgings or live at a hotel, and no one else thought of offering me a home."

"It was very kind and well-meant on his part, no doubt; but it was scarcely advisable on yours to accept it."

"I spoke to Miss Thomson about it, and she saw no objection."

"Miss Thomson of Allendale: very likely she did not--she is used to do just as she pleases, and never minds what the world thinks."

"She was the only person who gave me either help, encouragement, or advice.

I thought all she said was right and reliable.

You do not know what it is to me, who have no relation in the world but Elsie, to find a cousin.

He seems like a brother to me, and I know he feels like one.

If it had been in his power to give me money to engage a lodging, perhaps he would have done so, but it is money assistance that is so strictly forbidden by the will."

"If he had only spoken to some experienced friend on the subject--if he had only spoken to ME--I am sure it could have been better managed.

In the meantime, if you have no objection to sharing Eliza's room, we will be glad to keep you here for the remainder of your stay in Edinburgh.

You had better not go home with your cousin to-night."

Jane paused for a few minutes--many bitter thoughts passed through her mind.

"I am much obliged to you for your kind offer, but I do not think I can accept it.

If I have made a mistake, it has been committed already, and cannot be undone.

To-night, I will write my application to the directors of the ---- Asylum; tomorrow I will be on my way to Cross Hall.

I cannot, after such a day as this, collect my thoughts sufficiently in a strange house, among strangers, to do myself justice in my application, nor can I bear to let my cousin know that his brotherly kindness, and my sisterly confidence, may be misunderstood and misinterpreted.

I have no mother, and no adviser.

I had feared that perhaps the direct or indirect assistance of food and lodging for two days might peril my cousin's inheritance,--though Miss Thomson thought there was no danger of that either,--but I never imagined that any one would think the less of me for accepting it.

If you do not tell him, he need never know it; for I am sure it was the last idea he could have entertained."

What sad earnest eyes Jane turned on Mrs. Rennie!

--she could not help being touched with her expression and her appeal.

A vision of her own Eliza--without friends--without a mother--doing something as ill-advised, and feeling very acutely when a stranger told her of it, gave a distinctness to Jane's present suffering that, without that little effort of imagination, she could not have realized.

Besides, she had a great wish to think highly of Mr. Hogarth, and to please him; and the certainty that he would be extremely pained and, perhaps, offended by her suggestion that he had compromised his cousin's position by his good-natured invitation, had its influence.

"What you say is very reasonable, Miss Melville, but you forget that to-morrow is Sunday.

You would not travel on the Sabbath, I hope?"

"I seem to have forgotten the days of the week in this terrible whirl," said Jane.

"I would rather not travel on Sunday, but this seems a case of necessity."

"Not so," said Mrs. Rennie, kindly.

"Come and go to church with us to-morrow forenoon, and dine with us; if you feel then that you would prefer to stay here, you can easily manage to do so without making your cousin suspect anything.

If you still are anxious to go home, you can do that on Monday morning; but I fancy Tuesday is quite early enough to send in your application."

"Thank you, Mrs. Rennie," said Jane.

"I am very much obliged to you indeed for your kindness, and I think I will avail myself of it; but to-night--to-night--I must have some quiet and solitude."

"I have been somehow or other separated from you all the evening," said Francis, as they were on their way home.

"Have you enjoyed it at all?

It was hard for you to have to see so many strangers after so trying a day."

"Rather hard," said Jane, with quivering lips.

"Life altogether is much harder than I had imagined it to be.

I want Elsie very much to-night;

but I will see her as soon as I can possibly get home."

"You do not mean to go so soon?

you have done nothing satisfactory as yet.

We must make attempts in some other direction."

"I have made up my mind," said Jane; "I will apply for the situation I despised this morning.

People outside of asylums seem to be as mad and more cruel.

I will write my application to-night, and it will go by the first post."

"Do not be so precipitate; there is no need to apply before Tuesday, and I believe even Wednesday would do.

Spend the intervening days in town; something suitable may be advertised in newspapers.

You have not yet applied at any registry offices.

You said Rome was not built in a day, yet a day's failure makes you despair.

Do not lose heart all at once, my dear cousin.

Though I never had anything half so hard to bear or to anticipate as you have now, I have had my troubles, and have got over them, as you will in the end."

The tone of Francis' voice gave Jane a little courage; but she was resolute in writing out her application before she went to bed.

It was beautifully written and clearly expressed.

She asserted her qualifications with firmness, and yet with modesty, and gave satisfactory references to prove her own statements.

Of all the applicants, she was the youngest; but Francis was sure that her letter would be the best of the fifty.

Though Jane thought this decisive step would set her mind at rest, sleep was impossible to her after such excitement, fatigue, and disappointment; and the solitude she had longed for only gave her leave to turn over all the painful circumstances of her position without let or hindrance.

Never had she felt so bitterly towards her uncle.

In vain did she try to recall his past kindness to soften her heart towards him; for all pleasant memories only deepened the gloom of her present friendless, hopeless poverty; and the prospect of her inevitable separation from Elsie, which had never been distinctly apprehended before, was the saddest of all the thoughts that haunted the night watches.

Francis had been invited with Jane to spend the day with the Rennies, and the cousins went to church with the family.

Jane heard none of the sermon nor of the service generally.

She had not been in the habit of paying much attention at church, and there was nothing at all striking or impressive in the preacher's voice or manner, or in the substance of his discourse, to arrest a languid or preoccupied listener.

Jane was thinking about the Asylum, and about how much or how little it needed to make people mad--if they were often cured--and if they relapsed--a great part of the time; and when Miss Rennie asked her how she liked the sermon, Jane could not tell whether she liked it or not.

Mr. and Mrs. Rennie confessed that Mr. M---- was nothing of a preacher, but he was a very good man and a private friend.

They liked to go to their own regular parish church, and did not run after celebrated preachers;

though Eliza was a great admirer of eloquence, and was very often straying from her own place of worship to go with friends and acquaintances to hear some star or another, quite indifferent as to whether he were of the Establishment or of the Free Kirk, or of some other dissenting persuasion.

The conversation at Mr. Rennie's all Sunday afternoon was much more on churches, sermons, and ministers, than any Jane had ever heard before.

She had never seen anything of the religious world, as it is called, and felt herself very much behind the company in information.

Her cousin Francis was much better acquainted with the subject; he seemed to have heard every preacher in Edinburgh, and to know every one of note in the kingdom.

Mrs. Rennie, apparently in a casual manner, asked Jane to make her house her home while she remained in Edinburgh; and the invitation was accepted with the same indifferent tone of voice, which concealed great anxiety at heart.

"I should like my cousin to accompany me to my unfashionable chapel," said Francis.

"Will you either join us or excuse us for the evening, as it is the only opportunity I may have for a long time to take Miss Melville there?

Miss Rennie, you are the only one likely to have curiosity enough to try a new church."

"I am sorry I cannot go this evening, for I have promised to go to St. George's, to hear Mr. C----, with Eleanor Watson and her brother.

You had better come with me; it is the last Sunday he is to preach in Edinburgh," said Miss Rennie.

"You must excuse me this once," said Mr. Hogarth; "I have a great wish that Miss Melville should hear my minister.

At any other time I will be at your command."

Miss Rennie could not disappoint either Eleanor or Herbert Watson, or herself; so Francis and Jane went alone to the little chapel.

"It will do you good to hear a good sermon, and I expect that you will hear one."

The idea of getting any good at church was rather new to Jane; but on this occasion, for the first time in her life, she felt real meaning in religious worship.

Never before had she felt the sentiment of dependence, which is the primary sentiment of religion.

She had been busy, and prosperous, and self-reliant; all she said and did had been considered good and wise; her position was good, her temper even, and her pleasures many.

Now she was baffled and defeated on every side--disappointed in the present, and fearful of the future.

Prayer acquired a significance she had never seen in it before; the tone of the prayer, too, was different from the set didactic utterances too often called prayer, in which there is as much doctrine and as little devotion as extempore prayer is capable of.

It was not expostulatory either, as if our Heavenly Father needed much urging to make Him listen to our wants and our aspirations, but calm, trusting, and elevated, as if God was near, and not far off from any one of His creatures--as if we could lay our griefs and our cares, our joys and our hopes, at His feet, knowing that we are sure of His blessing.

Was this union with God, then, really possible?

Was there an inner life that could flow on smoothly and calmly heavenward, in spite of the shocks, and jars, and temptations of the outer life?

Could she learn to see and acknowledge God's goodness even in the bitterness of the cup that was now at her lips?

It was no careless or preoccupied listener who followed point after point of the sermon on the necessity of suffering for the perfecting of the Christian character.

The thoughts were genuine thoughts, not borrowed from old books, but worked out of the very soul of the preacher; and the language, clear, vigorous, and modern, clothed these thoughts in the most impressive manner.

There were none of the conventionalisms of the pulpit orator, who often weakens the strongest ideas by the hackneyed or obsolete phraseology he uses.

"Thank you, cousin Francis," said Jane, as they walked back to Mr. Rennie's together.

"This is, indeed, medicine to a mind diseased.

I

will make my inquiries as I ought to do tomorrow; but if I fail I will send in my application; and if I succeed there, I will go to this asylum in a more contented spirit.

It appears as if it were to be my work, and with God's help I will do it well."

Jane began her next day's work by calling on her Edinburgh acquaintances, and then went to the registry offices; but Monday's inquiries were no more successful than Saturday's; so she dropped her letter in the post, and felt as many people, especially women, do when an important missive has left them for ever to go to the hands to which it is addressed.

It seems so irrevocable, they doubt the wisdom of the step and fear the consequences.

When Jane reached home and told her sister of the application she had sent in, Elsie was horrified at the prospect, and shook her sister's courage still more by the pictures she conjured up of Jane's life at such a place, and of her own without the one dearest to her heart; but after she had said all she could in that way, it occurred to her that if her poems succeeded, as she had no doubt they would, Jane's slavery need but be shortlived.

Her work had made great progress during the short time of her sister's absence, and she continued to apply to it with indefatigable industry.

Scarcely would the ardent girl allow herself to think of anything but what to write;--the tension was too severe, but Elsie would take nothing in moderation.

Chapter V.