Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Vol. 1 — Chapter 35-36

C H A P.

XXXV

WHEN Dr. _Slop_ entered the back parlour, where my father and my uncle _Toby_ were discoursing upon the nature of women,——it was hard to determine whether Dr. _Slop_’s figure, or Dr. _Slop_’s presence, occasioned more surprize to them; for as the accident happened so near the house, as not to make it worth while for _Obadiah_ to remount him,——_Obadiah_ had led him in as he was, _unwiped, unappointed, unannealed_, with all his stains and blotches on him.

—He stood like _Hamlet_’s ghost, motionless and speechless, for a full minute and a half at the parlour-door (_Obadiah_ still holding his hand) with all the majesty of mud.

His hinder parts, upon which he had received his fall, totally besmeared,——and in every other part of him, blotched over in such a manner with _Obadiah_’s explosion, that you would have sworn (without mental reservation) that every grain of it had taken effect.

Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle _Toby_ to have triumphed over my father in his turn;—for no mortal, who had beheld Dr. _Slop_ in that pickle, could have dissented from so much, at least, of my uncle _Toby_’s opinion, “That mayhap his sister might not care to let such a Dr. _Slop_ come so near her ****” But it was the _Argumentum ad hominem_; and if my uncle _Toby_ was not very expert at it, you may think, he might not care to use it.

——No; the reason was,—’twas not his nature to insult.

Dr. _Slop_’s presence at that time, was no less problematical than the mode of it; tho’ it is certain, one moment’s reflexion in my father might have solved it; for he had apprized Dr. _Slop_ but the week before, that my mother was at her full reckoning; and as the doctor had heard nothing since, ’twas natural and very political too in him, to have taken a ride to _Shandy-Hall_, as he did, merely to see how matters went on.

But my father’s mind took unfortunately a wrong turn in the investigation; running, like the hypercritick’s, altogether upon the ringing of the bell and the rap upon the door,—measuring their distance, and keeping his mind so intent upon the operation, as to have power to think of nothing else,——common-place infirmity of the greatest mathematicians!

working with might and main at the demonstration, and so wasting all their strength upon it, that they have none left in them to draw the corollary, to do good with.

The ringing of the bell, and the rap upon the door, struck likewise strong upon the sensorium of my uncle _Toby_,—but it excited a very different train of thoughts;—the two irreconcileable pulsations instantly brought _Stevinus_, the great engineer, along with them, into my uncle _Toby_’s mind.

What business _Stevinus_ had in this affair,—is the greatest problem of all:——It shall be solved,—but not in the next chapter.

C H A P.

XXXVI

WRITING, when properly managed (as you may be sure I think mine is) is but a different name for conversation.

As no one, who knows what he is about in good company, would venture to talk all;——so no author, who understands the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would presume to think all: The truest respect which you can pay to the reader’s understanding, is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him something to imagine, in his turn, as well as yourself.

For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own.

’Tis his turn now;—I have given an ample description of Dr. _Slop_’s sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the back-parlour;—his imagination must now go on with it for a while.

Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. _Slop_ has told his tale—and in what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy chooses;—Let him suppose, that _Obadiah_ has told his tale also, and with such rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks best will contrast the two figures as they stand by each other.

—Let him imagine, that my father has stepped up stairs to see my mother.

—And, to conclude this work of imagination,—let him imagine the doctor washed,—rubbed down, and condoled,—felicitated,—got into a pair of _Obadiah_’s pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the very point of entering upon action.

Truce!

—truce, good Dr. _Slop!

_—stay thy obstetrick hand;——return it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm;——little dost thou know what obstacles,——little dost thou think what hidden causes, retard its operation!

——Hast thou, Dr. _Slop_,—hast thou been entrusted with the secret articles of the solemn treaty which has brought thee into this place?

—Art thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of _Lucina_ is put obstetrically over thy head?

Alas!

—’tis too true.

—Besides, great son of _Pilumnus!

_ what canst thou do?

Thou hast come forth unarm’d;—thou hast left thy _tire-téte_,—thy new-invented _forceps_,—thy _crotchet_,—thy _squirt_, and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance, behind thee,—By Heaven!

at this moment they are hanging up in a green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the bed’s head!

—Ring;—call;—send _Obadiah_ back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed.

——Make great haste, _Obadiah_, quoth my father, and I’ll give thee a crown!

and quoth my uncle _Toby_, I’ll give him another.