Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Vol. 1 — Chapter 42 part 2

[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to be preached at the Temple,——or at some Assize.

—I like the reasoning,—and am sorry that Dr. _Slop_ has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction:—for it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at first, never insulted St. _Paul_ in the least;—nor has there been, brother, the least difference between them.

——A great matter, if they had differed, replied my uncle _Toby_,—the best friends in the world may differ sometimes.

——True,—brother _Toby_ quoth my father, shaking hands with him,—we’ll fill our pipes, brother, and then _Trim_ shall go on.

Well,——what dost thou think of it?

said my father, speaking to Corporal _Trim_, as he reached his tobacco-box.

I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watch-men upon the tower, who, I suppose, are all centinels there,—are more, an’ please your Honour, than were necessary;—and, to go on at that rate, would harrass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves his men, will never do, if he can help it, because two centinels, added the Corporal, are as good as twenty.

—I have been a commanding officer myself in the _Corps de Garde_ a hundred times, continued _Trim_, rising an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke,—and all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty King _William_, in relieving the most considerable posts, I never left more than two in my life.

——Very right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_,—but you do not consider, _Trim_, that the towers, in _Solomon_’s days, were not such things as our bastions, flanked and defended by other works;—this, _Trim_, was an invention since _Solomon_’s death; nor had they horn-works, or ravelins before the curtin, in his time;——or such a fossé as we make with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to guard against a _Coup de main_:—So that the seven men upon the tower were a party, I dare say, from the _Corps de Garde_, set there, not only to look out, but to defend it.

—They could be no more, an’ please your Honour, than a Corporal’s Guard.

—My father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly—the subject being rather too serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest of.

—So putting his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted,—he contented himself with ordering _Trim_ to read on.

He read on as follows: “To have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right and wrong:——The first of these will comprehend the duties of religion;—the second, those of morality, which are so inseparably connected together, that you cannot divide these two _tables_, even in imagination, (tho’ the attempt is often made in practice) without breaking and mutually destroying them both.

“I said the attempt is often made; and so it is;——there being nothing “more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character,——or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite.

“When there is some appearance that it is so,—tho’ one is unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.

“Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.

“I will illustrate this by an example.

“I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call in,”—[There is no need, cried Dr. _Slop_, (waking) to call in any physician in this case]—“to be neither of them men of much religion: I hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt.

Well;—notwithstanding this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one:—and what is dearer still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.

“Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence.

Why, in the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of them will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage;—I consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life:—I know their success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters.

—In a word, I’m persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.

“But put it otherwise, namely, “that interest lay, for once, on the other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the world;—or that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art:—In this case, what hold have I of either of them?

—Religion, the strongest of all motives, is out of the question;—Interest, the next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against me:——What have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation?

——Alas!

I have nothing,——nothing but what is lighter than a bubble——I must lie at the mercy of HONOUR, or some such capricious principle—Strait security for two of the most valuable blessings!

—my property and myself.

“As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without religion;—so, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be expected from “religion without morality; nevertheless, ’tis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious man.

“He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable,—but even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against the infidelity of the age,——is zealous for some points of religion,——goes twice a day to church,—attends the sacraments,—and amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion,—shall cheat his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man, and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find that such a man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of piety,—though, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.

“_This likewise is a sore evil under the sun_; and I believe, there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more serious mischiefs.

——For a general proof of this,—examine the history of the _Romish_ church;”—[Well what can you make of that?

cried Dr. _Slop_]—“see what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,”——[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr. _Slop_]——have all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.

“In how many kingdoms of the world”—[Here _Trim_ kept waving his right-hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.

] “In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this misguided saint-errant, spared neither age or merit, or sex, or condition?

—and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly trampled upon both,—“heard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor pitied their distresses.

” [I have been in many a battle, an’ please your Honour, quoth _Trim_, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this,—I would not have drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls,——to have been made a general officer.

——Why?

what do you understand of the affair?

said Dr. _Slop_, looking towards _Trim_, with something more of contempt than the Corporal’s honest heart deserved.

——What do you know, friend, about this battle you talk of?

—I know, replied _Trim_, that I never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it;——but to a woman or a child, continued _Trim_, before I would level my musket at them, I would lose my life a thousand times.

——Here’s a crown for thee, _Trim_, to drink with _Obadiah_ to-night, quoth my uncle _Toby_, and I’ll give _Obadiah_ another too.

—God bless your Honour, replied _Trim_,——I had rather these poor women and children had it.

——thou art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle _Toby.

_——My father nodded his head, as much as to say—and so he is.

—— But prithee, _Trim_, said my father, make an end,—for I see thou hast but a leaf or two left.

Corporal _Trim_ read on.

] “If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient,—consider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves.

“To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of the Inquisition.

”—[God help my poor brother _Tom.

_]—“Behold _Religion_, with _Mercy_ and _Justice_ chained down under her feet,——there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment.

Hark!

—hark!

what a piteous groan!

”—[Here _Trim_’s face turned as pale as ashes.

]——“See the melancholy wretch who uttered it”—[Here the tears began to trickle down]——“just brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent.

”—[D—n them all, quoth _Trim_, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.

]—“Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,—his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement.

”—[Oh!

’tis my brother, cried poor _Trim_ in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands together—I fear ’tis poor _Tom.

_ My father’s and my uncle _Toby_’s heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellow’s distress; even _Slop_ himself acknowledged pity for him.

——Why, _Trim_, said my father, this is not a history,——’tis a sermon thou art reading;

prithee begin the sentence again.

]——“Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,—his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.

“Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!

”—[I would rather face a cannon, quoth _Trim_, stamping.

)—“See what convulsions it has thrown him into!

——Consider the nature of the posture in which he how lies stretched,—what exquisite tortures he endures by it!

”—[I hope ’tis not in _Portugal.

_]—“’Tis all nature can bear!

Good God!

see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!

” [I would not read another line of it, quoth _Trim_ for all this _world_;—I fear, an’ please your Honours, all this is in _Portugal_, where my poor brother _Tom_ is.

I tell thee, _Trim_, again, quoth my father, ’tis not an historical account,—’tis a description.

—’Tis only a description, honest man, quoth _Slop_, there’s not a word of truth in it.

——That’s another story, replied my father.

—However, as _Trim_ reads it with so much concern,—’tis cruelty to force him to go on with it.

—Give me hold of the sermon, _Trim_,—I’ll finish it for thee, and thou may’st go.

I must stay and hear it too, replied _Trim_, if your Honour will allow me;—tho’ I would not read it myself for a Colonel’s pay.

——Poor Trim!

quoth my uncle _Toby.

_ My father went on.

] “——Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,—what exquisite torture he endures by it!

—’Tis all nature can bear!

Good God!

See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips,—willing to take its leave,——but not suffered to depart!

—Behold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!

”——[Then, thank God, however, quoth _Trim_, they have not killed him.

]—“See him dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which this principle,—this principle, that there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him.

”——[Then, thank God,——he is dead, quoth _Trim_,—he is out of his pain,—and they have done their worst at him.

—O Sirs!

—Hold your peace, _Trim_, said my father, going on with the sermon, lest _Trim_ should incense Dr. _Slop_,—we shall never have done at this rate.

] “The surest way to try the merit of “any disputed notion is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity;——’tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and such like cases, and it is worth a thousand arguments——_By their fruits ye shall know them.

_ “I will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or three short and independent rules deducible from it.

“_First_, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better of his CREED.

A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, ’tis for no other cause but quietness sake.

“_Secondly_, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular instance,——That such a thing goes “against his conscience,——always believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes _against_ his stomach;—a present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both.

“In a word,—trust that man in nothing, who has not a CONSCIENCE in every thing.

“And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in which has ruined thousands,—that your conscience is not a law;—No, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine;——not, like an _Asiatic_ Cadi, according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions,—but like a _British_ judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written.

” _F I N I S.

_ Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, _Trim_, quoth my father.

—If he had spared his comments, replied Dr. _Slop_,——he would have read it much better.

I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered _Trim_, but that my heart was so full.

—That was the very reason, _Trim_, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done;

and if the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr. _Slop_, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done,—as their compositions are fine;—[I deny it, quoth Dr. _Slop_]—I maintain it,—that the eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a model for the whole world:——But alas!

continued my father, and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like _French_ politicians in this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field.

——’Twere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost.

I like the sermon well, replied my father,——’tis dramatick,—and there is something in that way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention.

——We preach much in that way with us, said Dr. _Slop.

_—I know that very well, said my father,—but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr. _Slop_, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him.

——But in this, added Dr. _Slop_, a little piqued,—our sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarch’s wife, or a martyr or a saint.

—There are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for ’em.

——But pray, quoth my uncle _Toby_,—who’s can this be?

—How could it get into my _Stevinus_?

A man must be as great a conjurer as _Stevinus_, said my father, to resolve the second question:—The first, I think, is not so difficult;—for unless my judgment greatly deceives me,——I know the author, for ’tis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.

The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of his conjecture,—proving it as strongly, as an argument _à priori_ could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was _Yorick_’s and no one’s else:—It was proved to be so, _à posteriori_, the day after, when _Yorick_ sent a servant to my uncle _Toby_’s house to enquire after it.

It seems that _Yorick_, who was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed _Stevinus_ of my uncle _Toby_, and had carelesly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle of _Stevinus_; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever subject, he had sent _Stevinus_ home, and his sermon to keep him company.

Ill-fated sermon!

Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee, a second time, dropped thru’ an unsuspected fissure in thy master’s pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered lining,—trod deep into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst;—buried ten days in the mire,——raised up out of it by a beggar,—sold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk,——transferred to his parson,——lost for ever to thy own, the remainder of his days,—nor restored to his restless MANES till this very moment, that I tell the world the story.

Can the reader believe, that this sermon of _Yorick_’s was preached at an assize, in the cathedral of _York_, before a thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him when he had done,——and within so short a space as two years and three months after _Yorick_’s death?

—_Yorick_ indeed, was never better served in his life;——but it was a little hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his grave.

However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with _Yorick_,—and, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies to give away;—and that I am told he could moreover have made as good a one himself, had he thought fit,—I declare I would not have published this anecdote to the world;——nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the church;—I leave that to others;——but I find myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand.

The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to _Yorick_’s ghost;——which—as the country-people, and some others believe,——_still walks.

_ The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world, I gain an opportunity of informing it,—That in case the character of parson _Yorick_, and this sample of his sermons, is liked,——there are now in the possession of the _Shandy_ family, as many as will make a handsome volume, at the world’s service,——and much good may they do it.