Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Vol. 1 — Chapter 51-52

C H A P.

LI

WHILST my uncle _Toby_ was whistling _Lillabullero_ to my father,—Dr. _Slop_ was stamping, and cursing and damning at _Obadiah_ at a most dreadful rate,——it would have done your heart good, and cured you, Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him, I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.

When Dr. _Slop_’s maid delivered the green baize bag with her master’s instruments in it, to _Obadiah_, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body: so undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen the strings for him, without any more ado, she helped him on with it.

However, as this, in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest any thing should bolt out in galloping back, at the speed _Obadiah_ threatened, they consulted to take it off again: and in the great care and caution of their hearts, they had taken the two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth of the bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which _Obadiah_, to make all safe, had twitched and drawn together with all the strength of his body.

This answered all that _Obadiah_ and the maid intended; but was no remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw.

The instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much room to play in it, towards the bottom (the shape of the bag being conical) that _Obadiah_ could not make a trot of it, but with such a terrible jingle, what with the _tire téte, forceps_, and _squirt_, as would have been enough, had _Hymen_ been taking a jaunt that way, to have frightened him out of the country; but when _Obadiah_ accelerated his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coach-horse into a full gallop——by Heaven!

Sir, the jingle was incredible.

As _Obadiah_ had a wife and three children——the turpitude of fornication, and the many other political ill consequences of this jingling, never once entered his brain,——he had however his objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him, as it has oft-times done with the greatest patriots.

——“_The poor fellow, Sir, was not able to hear himself whistle.

_” C H A P.

LII

AS _Obadiah_ loved wind-music preferably to all the instrumental music he carried with him,—he very considerately set his imagination to work, to contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of enjoying it.

In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted, nothing is so apt to enter a man’s head as his hat-band:——the philosophy of this is so near the surface——I scorn to enter into it.

As _Obadiah_’s was a mixed case——mark, Sirs,——I say, a mixed case; for it was obstetrical,——_scrip_-tical, squirtical, papistical——and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in it,——caballistical——and only partly musical;—_Obadiah_ made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient which offered; so taking hold of the bag and instruments, and griping them hard together with one hand, and with the finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the hat-band betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the middle of it,—he tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other (as you would cord a trunk) with such a multiplicity of round-abouts and intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection or point where the strings met,—that Dr. _Slop_ must have had three fifths of _Job_’s patience at least to have unloosed them.

—I think in my conscience, that had NATURE been in one of her nimble moods, and in humour for such a contest——and she and Dr. _Slop_ both fairly started together——there is no man living which had seen the bag with all that _Obadiah_ had done to it,——and known likewise the great speed the Goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have had the least doubt remaining in his mind—which of the two would have carried off the prize.

My mother, Madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag infallibly——at least by twenty _knots.

_——Sport of small accidents, _Tristram Shandy!

_ that thou art, and ever will be!

had that trial been for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had,——thy affairs had not been so depress’d—(at least by the depression of thy nose) as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the occasions of making them, which have so often presented themselves in the course of thy life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so irrecoverably abandoned—as thou hast been forced to leave them;——but ’tis over,——all but the account of ’em, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the world.

END OF THE FIRST VOLUME

Tristram Shandy _Tristram Shandy_ THE

LIFE AND OPINIONS

OF

TRISTRAM SHANDY,

GENTLEMAN

Volume the Second Multitudinis imperitæ non formido judicia, meis tamen, rogo, parcant opusculis——in quibus fuit propositi semper, a jocis ad seria, in seriis vicissim ad jocos transire.

JOAN.

SARESBERIENSIS,

_Episcopus Lugdun.

_ C H A P.

I

GREAT wits jump: for the moment Dr. _Slop_ cast his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with my uncle _Toby_ about mid-wifery put him in mind of it)—the very same thought occurred.

—’Tis God’s mercy, quoth he (to himself) that Mrs. _Shandy_ has had so bad a time of it,——else she might have been brought to bed seven times told, before one half of these knots could have got untied.

——But here you must distinguish—the thought floated only in Dr. _Slop_’s mind, without sail or ballast to it, as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are every day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man’s understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side.

A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother’s bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of.

By all that’s unfortunate, quoth Dr. _Slop_, unless I make haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is.

C H A P.

II

IN the case of _knots_,—by which, in the first place, I would not be understood to mean slip-knots—because in the course of my life and opinions—my opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. _Hammond Shandy_,—a little man,—but of high fancy:—he rushed into the duke of _Monmouth_’s affair:——nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots called bow-knots;—there is so little address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them.

—But by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made _bona fide_, as _Obadiah_ made his;——in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings thro’ the annulus or noose made by the second _implication_ of them—to get them slipp’d and undone by.

——I hope you apprehend me.

In the case of these _knots_ then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through life——every hasty man can whip out his pen-knife and cut through them.

——’Tis wrong.

Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictate——is to take our teeth or our fingers to them.

——Dr. _Slop_ had lost his teeth—his favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knock’d out three of the best of them with the handle of it:——he tried his fingers—alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close.

—The duce take it!

I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. _Slop.

_——The trampling over head near my mother’s bed-side increased.

—Pox take the fellow!

I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live.

——My mother gave a groan.

——Lend me your penknife—I must e’en cut the knots at last——pugh!

——psha!

—Lord!

I have cut my thumb quite across to the very bone——curse the fellow—if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles——I am undone for this bout—I wish the scoundrel hang’d—I wish he was shot——I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead!

—— My father had a great respect for _Obadiah_, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a manner—he had moreover some little respect for himself—and could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.

Had Dr. _Slop_ cut any part about him, but his thumb——my father had pass’d it by—his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.

Small curses, Dr. _Slop_, upon great occasions, quoth my father (condoling with him first upon the accident) are but so much waste of our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose.

—I own it, replied Dr. _Slop.

_—They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle _Toby_ (suspending his whistling) fired against a bastion.

——They serve, continued my father, to stir the humours——but carry off none of their acrimony:—for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all—I hold it bad——but if I fall into it by surprize, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle _Toby_) as to make it answer my purpose——that is, I swear on till I find myself easy.

A wife and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himself—but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.

—“_Injuries come only from the heart_,”—quoth my uncle _Toby.

_ For this reason, continued my father, with the most _Cervantick_ gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly happen to him——which forms being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for use.

—I never apprehended, replied Dr. _Slop_, that such a thing was ever thought of——much less executed.

I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother _Toby_ this morning, whilst he pour’d out the tea—’tis here upon the shelf over my head;—but if I remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.

—Not at all, quoth Dr. _Slop_—the devil take the fellow.

——Then, answered my father, ’Tis much at your service, Dr. _Slop_—on condition you will read it aloud;——so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of _Rome_, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of _Rochester_, writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop——with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS himself—he put it into Dr. _Slop_’s hands.

——Dr. _Slop_ wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows——my uncle _Toby_ whistling _Lillabullero_ as loud as he could all the time.

Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.

C A P.

III EXCOMMUNICATIO.

[6] EX auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et entemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariae,— ——Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apolstolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,——Excommunicamus, et _vel_  os    s  _vel_ os anathematizamus hunc furem, vel hunc s malefactorem, N. N.

et a liminibus sanctæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus, et æternis _vel_ i     n suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede à nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et ficut aquâ ignis extinguatur lu- _vel_ eorum cerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resque- n                  n rit, et ad satisfactionem venerit.

Amen.

os Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui homi- os nem creavit.

Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat os illum Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo ef- os fusus est. Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem triumphans ascendit.

os Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et os perpetua Virgo Maria.

Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sa- os crarum.

Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia cœlestis.

os Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus.

Maledicat os illum sanctus Johannes Præcursor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et cæteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistæ, qui sua prædicatione mundum universum converte- os runt.

Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est. os Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quæ mundi vana causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt.

Male- os dicant illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur.

os Maledicant illum cœli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.

i  n          n Maledictus sit ubicunque, fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in viâ, sive in semitâ, sive in silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive in ecclesiâ.

i  n Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo,—— ———      ———      ——— ———      ———      ——— ———      ———      ——— ———      ———      ——— ———      ———      ——— ———      ———      ——— ———      ———      ——— manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.

i  n Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis.

i  n Maledictus sit intus et exterius.

i  n           i Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus n              i  n sit in cerebro.

Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, in labris sive molibus, in labiis, in guttere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in unguibus.

Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedis—non sit in eo sanitas.

Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suæ majestatis imperio—— —et insurgat adversus illum cœlum cum omnibus virtutibus quæ in eo moventur ad _damnandum_ eum, nisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit.

Amen.

Fiat, fiat.

Amen.

[6] As the geniuneness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by others——’twas thought proper to print the original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. _Shandy_ returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of _Rochester.

_ C H A P.

IV

“BY the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and patroness of our Saviour.

” I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. _Slop_, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my father——as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud——and as Captain _Shandy_ seems to have no great inclination to hear it——I may as well read it to myself.

That’s contrary to treaty, replied my father:——besides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading.

Dr. _Slop_ did not altogether like it,——but my uncle _Toby_ offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them;——Dr. _Slop_ thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle _Toby_’s whistling——as suffer my uncle _Toby_ to read it alone;——so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin——he read it aloud as follows——my uncle _Toby_ whistling _Lillabullero_, though not quite so loud as before.

“By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect of God,—May he” (_Obadiah_) “be damn’d” (for tying these knots)——“We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy “church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with _Dathan_ and _Abiram_, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways.

And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him” (_Obadiah_, of the knots which he has tied) “and make satisfaction” (for them) “Amen.

” “May the Father who created man, curse him.

——May the Son who suffered for us curse him.

——May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him” (_Obadiah_)——“May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.

“May the holy and eternal Virgin _Mary_, mother of God, curse him.

——May St. _Michael_, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.

——May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.

” [Our armies swore terribly in _Flanders_, cried my uncle _Toby_,——but nothing to this.

——For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.

] “May St. John, the Præcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ’s apostles, together curse him.

And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him’ (_Obadiah_.

) “May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him——May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him— “May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him,” (_Obadiah_) “or her,” (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots.

) “May he (_Obadiah_) be damn’d wherever he be——whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.

——May he be cursed in living, in dying.

” [Here my uncle _Toby_, taking the advantage of a _minim_ in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.

——Dr. _Slop_, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.

] “May he be cursed in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!

“May he” (_Obadiah_) “be cursed in all the faculties of his body!

“May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!

——May he be cursed in the hair of his head!

——May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,” (that is a sad curse, quoth my father) “in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!

“May he be damn’d in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!

“May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,” (God in heaven forbid!

quoth my uncle _Toby_) “in his thighs, in his genitals,” (my father shook his head) “and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe- nails!

“May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot!

May there be no soundness in him!

“May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty”——(Here my uncle _Toby_, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew—w—w———something betwixt the interjectional whistle of _Hay-day!

_ and the word itself.

—— ——By the golden beard of _Jupiter_—and of _Juno_ (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick—to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)——all which beards, as _Varro_ tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;——every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by—by all these beards together then——I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever _Cid Hamet_ offered his——to have stood by, and heard my uncle _Toby_’s accompanyment.

——“curse him!

”—continued Dr. _Slop_,—“and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him” (_Obadiah_) “unless he repent and make satisfaction!

Amen.

So be it,—so be it.

Amen.

” I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.

—He is the father of curses, replied Dr. _Slop_.

——So am not I, replied my uncle.

——But he is cursed, and damn’d already, to all eternity, replied Dr. _Slop_.

I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle _Toby_.

Dr. _Slop_ drew up his mouth, and wasjust beginning to return my uncle _Toby_ the compliment of his Whu—u—u—or interjectional whistle——when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one——put an end to the affair.

C H A P.

V

NOW don’t let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own;

and because we have the spirit to swear them,——imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too.

I’ll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:——though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing,——as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, &c. &c. the whole set of ’em are so hung round and _befetish’d_ with the bobs and trinkets of criticism,——or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a pity——for I have fetch’d it as far as from the coast of _Guiney_;—their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be prick’d and tortured to death by ’em.

—And how did _Garrick_ speak the soliloquy last night?

—Oh, against all rule, my lord,—most ungrammatically!

betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together in _number, case_, and _gender_, he made a breach thus,—stopping, as if the point wanted settling;—and betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and three fifths by a stop watch, my lord, each time.

—Admirable grammarian!

——But in suspending his voice——was the sense suspended likewise?

Did no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm?

——Was the eye silent?

Did you narrowly look?

——I look’d only at the stop-watch, my lord.

—Excellent observer!

And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?

——Oh!

’tis out of all plumb, my lord,——quite an irregular thing!

—not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle.

—I had my rule and compasses, &c. my lord, in my pocket.

—Excellent critick!

——And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look at——upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of _Bossu_’s——’tis out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions.

—Admirable connoisseur!

——And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back?

—’Tis a melancholy daub!

my lord; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group!

——and what a price!

——for there is nothing of the colouring of _Titian_—the expression of _Rubens_—the grace of _Raphael_—the purity of _Dominichino_—the _corregiescity_ of _Corregio_—the learning of _Poussin_—the airs of _Guido_—the taste of the _Carrachis_—or the grand contour of _Angelo.

_—Grant me patience, just Heaven!

—Of all the cants which are canted in this canting world—though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst——the cant of criticism is the most tormenting!

I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his author’s hands——be pleased he knows not why, and cares not wherefore.

Great _Apollo!

_ if thou art in a giving humour—give me—I ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire along with it——and send _Mercury_, with the _rules and compasses_, if he can be spared, with my compliments to—no matter.

Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last past as originals——except _St.

Paul’s thumb_——_God’s flesh and God’s fish_, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kings oaths, ’tis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh;—else I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of _Ernulphus_ a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!

—it is thought to be no bad oath——and by itself passes very well—“_G—d damn you.

_”—Set it beside _Ernulphus_’s——“God almighty the Father damn you—God the Son damn you—God the Holy Ghost damn you”—you see ’tis nothing.

—There is an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his invention—possess’d more of the excellencies of a swearer——had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulations,—that when _Ernulphus_ cursed—no part escaped him.

—’Tis true there is something of a _hardness_ in his manner——and, as in _Michael Angelo_, a want of grace——but then there is such a greatness of _gusto!

_ My father, who generally look’d upon every thing in a light very different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an original.

——He considered rather _Ernulphus_’s anathema, as an institute of swearing, in which, as he suspected, upon the decline of _swearing_ in some milder pontificate, _Ernulphus_, by order of the succeeding pope, had with great learning and diligence collected together all the laws of it;—for the same reason that _Justinian_, in the decline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor _Tribonian_ to collect the _Roman_ or civil laws all together into one code or digest——lest, through the rust of time——and the fatality of all things committed to oral tradition—they should be lost to the world for ever.

For this reason my father would oft-times affirm, there was not an oath from the great and tremendous oath of _William_ the conqueror (_By the splendour of God_) down to the lowest oath of a scavenger (_Damn your eyes_) which was not to be found in _Ernulphus.

_—In short, he would add—I defy a man to swear _out_ of it.

The hypothesis is, like most of my father’s, singular and ingenious too;——nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns my own.

C H A P.

VI

——BLESS my soul!

—my poor mistress is ready to faint——and her pains are gone—and the drops are done—and the bottle of julap is broke——and the nurse has cut her arm—(and I, my thumb, cried Dr. _Slop_,) and the child is where it was, continued _Susannah_,—and the midwife has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, and bruised her hip as black as your hat.

—I’ll look at it, quoth Dr _Slop_.

—There is no need of that, replied _Susannah_,—you had better look at my mistress—but the midwife would gladly first give you an account how things are, so desires you would go up stairs and speak to her this moment.

Human nature is the same in all professions.

The midwife had just before been put over Dr. _Slop_’s head—He had not digested it.

—No, replied Dr. _Slop_, ’twould be full as proper if the midwife came down to me.

—I like subordination, quoth my uncle _Toby_,—and but for it, after the reduction of _Lisle_, I know not what might have become of the garrison of _Ghent_, in the mutiny for bread, in the year Ten.

—Nor, replied Dr. _Slop_, (parodying my uncle _Toby_’s hobby-horsical reflection; though full as hobby-horsical himself)——do I know, Captain _Shandy_, what might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and confusion I find all things are in at present, but for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to ******——the application of which, Sir, under this accident of mine, comes in so _à propos_, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by the _Shandy_ family, as long as the _Shandy_ family had a name.

C H A P.

VII

LET us go back to the ******——in the last chapter.

It is a singular stroke of eloquence (at least it was so, when eloquence flourished at _Athens_ and _Rome_, and would be so now, did orators wear mantles) not to mention the name of a thing, when you had the thing about you _in petto_, ready to produce, pop, in the place you want it.

A scar, an axe, a sword, a pink’d doublet, a rusty helmet, a pound and a half of pot-ashes in an urn, or a three-halfpenny pickle pot—but above all, a tender infant royally accoutred.

—Tho’ if it was too young, and the oration as long as _Tully_’s second _Philippick_—it must certainly have beshit the orator’s mantle.

—And then again, if too old,—it must have been unwieldly and incommodious to his action—so as to make him lose by his child almost as much as he could gain by it.

—Otherwise, when a state orator has hit the precise age to a minute——hid his BAMBINO in his mantle so cunningly that no mortal could smell it——and produced it so critically, that no soul could say, it came in by head and shoulders—Oh Sirs!

it has done wonders—It has open’d the sluices, and turn’d the brains, and shook the principles, and unhinged the politicks of half a nation.

These feats however are not to be done, except in those states and times, I say, where orators wore mantles——and pretty large ones too, my brethren, with some twenty or five-and-twenty yards of good purple, superfine, marketable cloth in them—with large flowing folds and doubles, and in a great style of design.

—All which plainly shews, may it please your worships, that the decay of eloquence, and the little good service it does at present, both within and without doors, is owing to nothing else in the world, but short coats, and the disuse of _trunk-hose.

_—We can conceal nothing under ours, Madam, worth shewing.

C H A P.

VIII DR.

_Slop_ was within an ace of being an exception to all this argumentation: for happening to have his green baize bag upon his knees, when he began to parody my uncle _Toby_—’twas as good as the best mantle in the world to him: for which purpose, when he foresaw the sentence would end in his new-invented forceps, he thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in, when your reverences took so much notice of the ***, which had he managed——my uncle _Toby_ had certainly been overthrown: the sentence and the argument in that case jumping closely in one point, so like the two lines which form the salient angle of a ravelin,——Dr. _Slop_ would never have given them up;—and my uncle _Toby_ would as soon have thought of flying, as taking them by force: but Dr. _Slop_ fumbled so vilely in pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a ten times worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this life) in pulling out his _forceps_, his _forceps_ unfortunately drew out the _squirt_ along with it.

When a proposition can be taken in two senses—’tis a law in disputation, That the respondent may reply to which of the two he pleases, or finds most convenient for him.

——This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my uncle _Toby_’s side.

—“Good God!

” cried my uncle _Toby_, “_are children brought into the world with a squirt?

_” C H A P.

IX

—UPON my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of skin quite off the back of both my hands with your forceps, cried my uncle _Toby_—and you have crush’d all my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly.

’Tis your own fault, said Dr. _Slop_——you should have clinch’d your two fists together into the form of a child’s head as I told you, and sat firm.

—I did so, answered my uncle _Toby_.

——Then the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently arm’d, or the rivet wants closing—or else the cut on my thumb has made me a little aukward—or possibly—’Tis well, quoth my father, interrupting the detail of possibilities—that the experiment was not first made upon my child’s head-piece.

——It would not have been a cherry-stone the worse, answered Dr. _Slop_.

—I maintain it, said my uncle _Toby_, it would have broke the cerebellum (unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado) and turn’d it all into a perfect posset.

——Pshaw!

replied Dr. _Slop_, a child’s head is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple;—the sutures give way—and besides, I could have extracted by the feet after.

—Not you, said she.

——I rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my father.

Pray do, added my uncle _Toby_.

C H A P.

X

——AND pray, good woman, after all, will you take upon you to say, it may not be the child’s hip, as well as the child’s head?

——’Tis most certainly the head, replied the midwife.

Because, continued Dr. _Slop_ (turning to my father) as positive as these old ladies generally are—’tis a point very difficult to know—and yet of the greatest consequence to be known;——because, Sir, if the hip is mistaken for the head—there is a possibility (if it is a boy) that the forceps * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ——What the possibility was, Dr. _Slop_ whispered very low to my father, and then to my uncle _Toby_.

——There is no such danger, continued he, with the head.

—No, in truth quoth my father—but when your possibility has taken place at the hip—you may as well take off the head too.

——It is morally impossible the reader should understand this——’tis enough Dr. _Slop_ understood it;——so taking the green baize bag in his hand, with the help of _Obadiah_’s pumps, he tripp’d pretty nimbly, for a man of his size, across the room to the door——and from the door was shewn the way, by the good old midwife, to my mother’s apartments.

C H A P.

XI

IT is two hours, and ten minutes—and no more—cried my father, looking at his watch, since Dr. _Slop_ and _Obadiah_ arrived—and I know not how it happens, Brother _Toby_—but to my imagination it seems almost an age.

——Here—pray, Sir, take hold of my cap—nay, take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles too.

Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make you a present of ’em, on condition you give me all your attention to this chapter.

Though my father said, “_he knew not how it happen’d_,”—yet he knew very well how it happen’d;——and at the instant he spoke it, was pre-determined in his mind to give my uncle _Toby_ a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the subject of _duration and its simple modes_, in order to shew my uncle _Toby_ by what mechanism and mensurations in the brain it came to pass, that the rapid succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the discourse from one thing to another, since Dr. _Slop_ had come into the room, had lengthened out so short a period to so inconceivable an extent.

——“I

know not how it happens—cried my father,—but it seems an age.

” ——’Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to the succession of our ideas.

My father, who had an itch, in common with all philosophers, of reasoning upon every thing which happened, and accounting for it too—proposed infinite pleasure to himself in this, of the succession of ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it snatch’d out of his hands by my uncle _Toby_, who (honest man!

) generally took every thing as it happened;——and who, of all things in the world, troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking;—the ideas of time and space—or how we came by those ideas—or of what stuff they were made——or whether they were born with us—or we picked them up afterwards as we went along—or whether we did it in frocks——or not till we had got into breeches—with a thousand other inquiries and disputes about INFINITY PRESCIENCE, LIBERTY, NECESSITY, and so forth, upon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so many fine heads have been turned and cracked——never did my uncle _Toby_’s the least injury at all; my father knew it—and was no less surprized than he was disappointed, with my uncle’s fortuitous solution.

Do you understand the theory of that affair?

replied my father.

Not I, quoth my uncle.

—But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk about?

No more than my horse, replied my uncle _Toby_.

Gracious heaven!

cried my father, looking upwards, and clasping his two hands together——there is a worth in thy honest ignorance, brother _Toby_——’twere almost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge.

—But I’ll tell thee.

—— To understand what time is aright, without which we never can comprehend _infinity_, insomuch as one is a portion of the other——we ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea it is we have of _duration_, so as to give a satisfactory account how we came by it.

——What is that to any body?

quoth my uncle _Toby_.

[7] _For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind_, continued my father, _and observe attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilst you and I are talking together, and thinking, and smoking our pipes, or whilst we receive successively ideas in our minds, we know that we do exist, and so we estimate the existence, or the continuation of the existence of ourselves, or any thing else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing co-existing with our thinking——and so according to that preconceived_——You puzzle me to death, cried my uncle _Toby_.

——’Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in our computations of time, we are so used to minutes, hours, weeks, and months——and of clocks (I wish there was not a clock in the kingdom) to measure out their several portions to us, and to those who belong to us——that ’twill be well, if in time to come, the _succession of our ideas_ be of any use or service to us at all.

Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father, in every sound man’s head, there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other, which follow each other in train just like——A train of artillery?

said my uncle _Toby_——A train of a fiddle-stick!

—quoth my father—which follow and succeed one another in our minds at certain distances, just like the images in the inside of a lanthorn turned round by the heat of a candle.

—I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, mine are more like a smoke-jack.

——Then, brother _Toby_, I have nothing more to say to you upon that subject, said my father.

[7] Vide Locke.

C H A P.

XII

——WHAT a conjuncture was here lost!

——My father in one of his best explanatory moods—in eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the very regions, where clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed it about;—my uncle _Toby_ in one of the finest dispositions for it in the world;—his head like a smoke-jack;——the funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, all obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter!

—By the tomb-stone of _Lucian_——if it is in being——if not, why then by his ashes!

by the ashes of my dear _Rabelais_, and dearer _Cervantes!

_——my father and my uncle _Toby_’s discourse upon TIME and ETERNITY——was a discourse devoutly to be wished for!

and the petulancy of my father’s humour, in putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the _Ontologic Treasury_ of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions and great men are ever likely to restore to it again.

C H A P.

XIII

THO’ my father persisted in not going on with the discourse—yet he could not get my uncle _Toby_’s smoke-jack out of his head—piqued as he was at first with it;—there was something in the comparison at the bottom, which hit his fancy; for which purpose, resting his elbow upon the table, and reclining the right side of his head upon the palm of his hand——but looking first stedfastly in the fire——he began to commune with himself, and philosophize about it: but his spirits being wore out with the fatigues of investigating new tracts, and the constant exertion of his faculties upon that variety of subjects which had taken their turn in the discourse——the idea of the smoke jack soon turned all his ideas upside down—so that he fell asleep almost before he knew what he was about.

As for my uncle _Toby_, his smoke-jack had not made a dozen revolutions, before he fell asleep also.

——Peace be with them both!

——Dr. _Slop_ is engaged with the midwife and my mother above stairs.

——_Trim_ is busy in turning an old pair of jack-boots into a couple of mortars, to be employed in the siege of _Messina_ next summer—and is this instant boring the touch-holes with the point of a hot poker.

——All my heroes are off my hands;—’tis the first time I have had a moment to spare—and I’ll make use of it, and write my preface.

The A U T H O R ’s P R E F A C E NO, I’ll not say a word about it——here it is;—in publishing it—I have appealed to the world——and to the world I leave it;—it must speak for itself.

All I know of the matter is—when I sat down, my intent was to write a good book; and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold out—a wise, aye, and a discreet—taking care only, as I went along, to put into it all the wit and the judgment (be it more or less) which the great Author and Bestower of them had thought fit originally to give me——so that, as your worships see—’tis just as God pleases.

Now, _Agalastes_ (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth, That there may be some wit in it, for aught he knows——but no judgment at all.

And _Triptolemus_ and _Phutatorius_ agreeing thereto, ask, How is it possible there should?

for that wit and judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch as they are two operations differing from each other as wide as east from west——So, says _Locke_——so are farting and hickuping, say I. But in answer to this, _Didius_ the great church lawyer, in his code _de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis_, doth maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no argument——nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be a syllogism;—but you all, may it please your worships, see the better for it——so that the main good these things do is only to clarify the understanding, previous to the application of the argument itself, in order to free it from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which, if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and spoil all.

Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able criticks, and fellow-labourers (for to you I write this Preface)——and to you, most subtle statesmen and discreet doctors (do—pull off your beards) renowned for gravity and wisdom;——_Monopolus_, my politician—_Didius_, my counsel; _Kysarcius_, my friend;—_Phutatorius_, my guide;——_Gastripheres_, the preserver of my life; _Somnolentius_, the balm and repose of it——not forgetting all others, as well sleeping as waking, ecclesiastical as civil, whom for brevity, but out of no resentment to you, I lump all together.

——Believe me, right worthy, My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf, and in my own too, in case the thing is not done already for us——is, that the great gifts and endowments both of wit and judgment, with every thing which usually goes along with them——such as memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick parts, and what not, may this precious moment, without stint or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm as each of us could bear it—scum and sediment and all (for I would not have a drop lost) into the several receptacles, cells, cellules, domiciles, dormitories, refectories, and spare places of our brains——in such sort, that they might continue to be injected and tunn’d into, according to the true intent and meaning of my wish, until every vessel of them, both great and small, be so replenish’d, saturated, and filled up therewith, that no more, would it save a man’s life, could possibly be got either in or out.

Bless us!

—what noble work we should make!

——how should I tickle it off!

——and what spirits should I find myself in, to be writing away for such readers!

——and you—just heaven!

——with what raptures would you sit and read—but oh!

—’tis too much——I am sick——I faint away deliciously at the thoughts of it—’tis more than nature can bear!