Armadale — Book the third- chapter X, pt 2
“I have been back some hours.
I have been thinking, and nothing has come of it.
Ever since I got that strange letter of Midwinter’s last Sunday, my usual readiness in emergencies has deserted me.
When I am not thinking of him or of his story, my mind feels quite stupefied.
I, who have always known what to do on other occasions, don’t know what to do now.
It would be easy enough, of course, to warn Major Milroy of his daughter’s proceedings.
But the major is fond of his daughter; Armadale is anxious to be reconciled with him; Armadale is rich and prosperous, and ready to submit to the elder man; and sooner or later they will be friends again, and the marriage will follow.
Warning Major Milroy is only the way to embarrass them for the present; it is not the way to part them for good and all.
“What _is_ the way?
I can’t see it.
I could tear my own hair off my head!
I could burn the house down!
If there was a train of gunpowder under the whole world, I could light it, and blow the whole world to destruction--I am in such a rage, such a frenzy with myself for not seeing it!
“Poor dear Midwinter!
Yes, ‘_dear_.
’ I don’t care.
I’m lonely and helpless.
I want somebody who is gentle and loving to make much of me;
I wish I had his head on my bosom again; I have a good mind to go to London and marry him.
Am I mad?
Yes; all people who are as miserable as I am are mad.
I must go to the window and get some air.
Shall I jump out?
No; it disfigures one so, and the coroner’s inquest lets so many people see it.
“The air has revived me.
I begin to remember that I have Time on my side, at any rate.
Nobody knows but me of their secret meetings in the park the first thing in the morning.
If jealous old Bashwood, who is slinking and sly enough for anything, tries to look privately after Armadale, in his own interests, he will try at the usual time when he goes to the steward’s office.
He knows nothing of Miss Milroy’s early habits; and he won’t be on the spot till Armadale has got back to the house.
For another week to come, I may wait and watch them, and choose my own time and way of interfering the moment I see a chance of his getting the better of her hesitation, and making her say Yes.
“So here I wait, without knowing how things will end with Midwinter in London; with my purse getting emptier and emptier, and no appearance so far of any new pupils to fill it; with Mother Oldershaw certain to insist on having her money back the moment she knows I have failed;
without prospects, friends, or hopes of any kind--a lost woman, if ever there was a lost woman yet.
Well!
I say it again and again and again--I don’t care!
Here I stop, if I sell the clothes off my back, if I hire myself at the public-house to play to the brutes in the tap-room; here I stop till the time comes, and I see the way to parting Armadale and Miss Milroy forever!
” “Seven o’clock.
--Any signs that the time is coming yet?
I hardly know; there are signs of a change, at any rate, in my position in the neighborhood.
“Two of the oldest and ugliest of the many old and ugly ladies who took up my case when I left Major Milroy’s service have just called, announcing themselves, with the insufferable impudence of charitable Englishwomen, as a deputation from my patronesses.
It seems that the news of my reconciliation with Armadale has spread from the servants’ offices at the great house, and has reached the town, with this result.
“It is the unanimous opinion of my ‘patronesses’ (and the opinion of Major Milroy also, who has been consulted) that I have acted with the most inexcusable imprudence in going to Armadale’s house, and in there speaking on friendly terms with a man whose conduct toward myself has made his name a by-word in the neighborhood.
My total want of self-respect in this matter has given rise to a report that I am trading as cleverly as ever on my good looks, and that I am as likely as not to end in making Armadale marry me, after all.
My ‘patronesses’ are, of course, too charitable to believe this.
They merely feel it necessary to remonstrate with me in a Christian spirit, and to warn me that any second and similar imprudence on my part would force all my best friends in the place to withdraw the countenance and protection which I now enjoy.
“Having addressed me, turn and turn about, in these terms (evidently all rehearsed beforehand), my two Gorgon visitors straightened themselves in their chairs, and looked at me as much as to say, ‘You may often have heard of Virtue, Miss Gwilt, but we don’t believe you ever really saw it in full bloom till we came and called on you.
’ “Seeing they were bent on provoking me, I kept my temper, and answered them in my smoothest, sweetest, and most lady-like manner.
I have noticed that the Christianity of a certain class of respectable people begins when they open their prayer-books at eleven o’clock on Sunday morning, and ends when they shut them up again at one o’clock on Sunday afternoon.
Nothing so astonishes and insults Christians of this sort as reminding them of their Christianity on a week-day.
On this hint, as the man says in the play, I spoke.
“‘What have I done that is wrong?
’ I asked, innocently.
‘Mr. Armadale has injured me; and I have been to his house and forgiven him the injury.
Surely there must be some mistake, ladies?
You can’t have really come here to remonstrate with me in a Christian spirit for performing an act of Christianity?
’ “The two Gorgons got up.
I firmly believe some women have cats’ tails as well as cats’ faces.
I firmly believe the tails of those two particular cats wagged slowly under their petticoats, and swelled to four times their proper size.
“‘Temper we were prepared for, Miss Gwilt,’ they said, ‘but not Profanity.
We wish you good-evening.
’ “So they left me, and so ‘Miss Gwilt’ sinks out of the patronizing notice of the neighborhood “I wonder what will come of this trumpery little quarrel?
One thing will come of it which I can see already.
The report will reach Miss Milroy’s ears; she will insist on Armadale’s justifying himself; and Armadale will end in satisfying her of his innocence by making another proposal.
This will be quite likely to hasten matters between them; at least it would with me.
If I was in her place, I should say to myself, ‘I will make sure of him while I can.
’ Supposing it doesn’t rain to-morrow morning, I think I will take another early walk in the direction of the park.
” “Midnight.
--As I can’t take my drops, with a morning walk before me, I may as well give up all hope of sleeping, and go on with my diary.
Even with my drops, I doubt if my head would be very quiet on my pillow to-night.
Since the little excitement of the scene with my ‘lady-patronesses’ has worn off, I have been troubled with misgivings which would leave me but a poor chance, under any circumstances, of getting much rest.
“I can’t imagine why, but the parting words spoken to Armadale by that old brute of a lawyer have come back to my mind!
Here they are, as reported in Mr. Bashwood’s letter: ‘Some other person’s curiosity may go on from the point where you (and I) have stopped, and some other person’s hand may let the broad daylight in yet on Miss Gwilt.
’ “What does he mean by that?
And what did he mean afterward when he overtook old Bashwood in the drive, by telling him to gratify his curiosity?
Does this hateful Pedgift actually suppose there is any chance--?
Ridiculous!
Why, I have only to _look_ at the feeble old creature, and he daren’t lift his little finger unless I tell him.
_He_ try to pry into my past life, indeed!
Why, people with ten times his brains, and a hundred times his courage, have tried--and have left off as wise as they began.
“I don’t know, though; it might have been better if I had kept my temper when Bashwood was here the other night.
And it might be better still if I saw him to-morrow, and took him back into my good graces by giving him something to do for me.
Suppose I tell him to look after the two Pedgifts, and to discover whether there is any chance of their attempting to renew their connection with Armadale?
No such thing is at all likely; but if I gave old Bashwood this commission, it would flatter his sense of his own importance to me, and would at the same time serve the excellent purpose of keeping him out of my way.
” “Thursday morning, nine o’clock.
--I have just got back from the park.
“For once I have proved a true prophet.
There they were together, at the same early hour, in the same secluded situation among the trees; and there was miss in full possession of the report of my visit to the great house, and taking her tone accordingly.
“After saying one or two things about me, which I promise him not to forget, Armadale took the way to convince her of his constancy which I felt beforehand he would be driven to take.
He repeated his proposal of marriage, with excellent effect this time.
Tears and kisses and protestations followed; and my late pupil opened her heart at last, in the most innocent manner.
Home, she confessed, was getting so miserable to her now that it was only less miserable than going to school.
Her mother’s temper was becoming more violent and unmanageable every day.
The nurse, who was the only person with any influence over her, had gone away in disgust.
Her father was becoming more and more immersed in his clock, and was made more and more resolute to send her away from home by the distressing scenes which now took place with her mother almost day by day.
I waited through these domestic disclosures on the chance of hearing any plans they might have for the future discussed between them;
and my patience, after no small exercise of it, was rewarded at last.
“The first suggestion (as was only natural where such a fool as Armadale was concerned) came from the girl.
“She started an idea which I own I had not anticipated.
She proposed that Armadale should write to her father; and, cleverer still, she prevented all fear of his blundering by telling him what he was to say.
He was to express himself as deeply distressed at his estrangement from the major, and to request permission to call at the cottage, and say a few words in his own justification.
That was all.
The letter was not to be sent that day, for the applicants for the vacant place of Mrs. Milroy’s nurse were coming, and seeing them and questioning them would put her father, with his dislike of such things, in no humor to receive Armadale’s application indulgently.
The Friday would be the day to send the letter, and on the Saturday morning if the answer was unfortunately not favorable, they might meet again, ‘I don’t like deceiving my father;
he has always been so kind to me.
And there will be no need to deceive him, Allan, if we can only make you friends again.
’ Those were the last words the little hypocrite said, when I left them.
“What will the major do?
Saturday morning will show.
I won’t think of it till Saturday morning has come and gone.
They are not man and wife yet;
and again and again I say it, though my brains are still as helpless as ever, man and wife they shall never be.
“On my way home again, I caught Bashwood at his breakfast, with his poor old black tea-pot, and his little penny loaf, and his one cheap morsel of oily butter, and his darned dirty tablecloth.
It sickens me to think of it.
“I coaxed and comforted the miserable old creature till the tears stood in his eyes, and he quite blushed with pleasure.
He undertakes to look after the Pedgifts with the utmost alacrity.
Pedgift the elder he described, when once roused, as the most obstinate man living; nothing will induce him to give way, unless Armadale gives way also on his side.
Pedgift the younger is much the more likely of the two to make attempts at a reconciliation.
Such, at least, is Bashwood’s opinion.
It is of very little consequence now what happens either way.
The only important thing is to tie my elderly admirer safely again to my apron-string.
And this is done.
“The post is late this morning.
It has only just come in, and has brought me a letter from Midwinter.
“It is a charming letter; it flatters me and flutters me as if I was a young girl again.
No reproaches for my never having written to him; no hateful hurrying of me, in plain words, to marry him.
He only writes to tell me a piece of news.
He has obtained, through his lawyers, a prospect of being employed as occasional correspondent to a newspaper which is about to be started in London.
The employment will require him to leave England for the Continent, which would exactly meet his own wishes for the future, but he cannot consider the proposal seriously until he has first ascertained whether it would meet my wishes too.
He knows no will but mine, and he leaves me to decide, after first mentioning the time allowed him before his answer must be sent in.
It is the time, of course (if I agree to his going abroad), in which I must marry him.
But there is not a word about this in his letter.
He asks for nothing but a sight of my handwriting to help him through the interval while we are separated from each other.
“That is the letter; not very long, but so prettily expressed.
“I think I can penetrate the secret of his fancy for going abroad.
That wild idea of putting the mountains and the seas between Armadale and himself is still in his mind.
As if either he or I could escape doing what we are fated to do--supposing we really are fated--by putting a few hundred or a few thousand miles between Armadale and ourselves!
What strange absurdity and inconsistency!
And yet how I like him for being absurd and inconsistent; for don’t I see plainly that I am at the bottom of it all?
Who leads this clever man astray in spite of himself?
Who makes him too blind to see the contradiction in his own conduct, which he would see plainly in the conduct of another person?
How interested I do feel in him!
How dangerously near I am to shutting my eyes on the past, and letting myself love him!
Was Eve fonder of Adam than ever, I wonder, after she had coaxed him into eating the apple?
I should have quite doted on him if I had been in her place.
(Memorandum: To write Midwinter a charming little letter on my side, with a kiss in it; and as time is allowed him before he sends in his answer, to ask for time, too, before I tell him whether I will or will not go abroad.
)” “Five o’clock.
--A tiresome visit from my landlady; eager for a little gossip, and full of news which she thinks will interest me.
“She is acquainted, I find, with Mrs. Milroy’s late nurse; and she has been seeing her friend off at the station this afternoon.
They talked, of course, of affairs at the cottage, and my name found its way into the conversation.
I am quite wrong, it seems, if the nurse’s authority is to be trusted, in believing Miss Milroy to be responsible for sending Mr. Armadale to my reference in London.
Miss Milroy really knew nothing about it, and it all originated in her mother’s mad jealousy of me.
The present wretched state of things at the cottage is due entirely to the same cause.
Mrs. Milroy is firmly persuaded that my remaining at Thorpe Ambrose is referable to my having some private means of communicating with the major which it is impossible for her to discover.
With this conviction in her mind, she has become so unmanageable that no person, with any chance of bettering herself, could possibly remain in attendance on her; and sooner or later, the major, object to it as he may, will be obliged to place her under proper medical care.
“That is the sum and substance of what the wearisome landlady, had to tell me.
Unnecessary to say that I was not in the least interested by it.
Even if the nurse’s assertion is to be depended on--which I persist in doubting--it is of no importance now.
I know that Miss Milroy, and nobody but Miss Milroy has utterly ruined my prospect of becoming Mrs. Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose, and I care to know nothing more.
If her mother was really alone in the attempt to expose my false reference, her mother seems to be suffering for it, at any rate.
And so good-by to Mrs. Milroy; and Heaven defend me from any more last glimpses at the cottages seen through the medium of my landlady’s spectacles!
” “Nine o’clock.
--Bashwood has just left me, having come with news from the great house.
Pedgift the younger has made his attempt at bringing about a reconciliation this very day, and has failed.
I am the sole cause of the failure.
Armadale is quite willing to be reconciled if Pedgift the elder will avoid all future occasion of disagreement between them by never recurring to the subject of Miss Gwilt.
This, however, happens to be exactly the condition which Pedgift’s father--with his opinion of me and my doings--should consider it his duty to Armadale _not_ to accept.
So lawyer and client remain as far apart as ever, and the obstacle of the Pedgifts is cleared out of my way.
“It might have been a very awkward obstacle, so far as Pedgift the elder is concerned, if one of his suggestions had been carried out; I mean, if an officer of the London police had been brought down here to look at me.
It is a question, even now, whether I had better not take to the thick veil again, which I always wear in London and other large places.
The only difficulty is that it would excite remark in this inquisitive little town to see me wearing a thick veil, for the first time, in the summer weather.
“It is close on ten o’clock; I have been dawdling over my diary longer than I supposed.
“No words can describe how weary and languid I feel.
Why don’t I take my sleeping drops and go to bed?
There is no meeting between Armadale and Miss Milroy to force me into early rising to-morrow morning.
Am I trying, for the hundredth time, to see my way clearly into the future--trying, in my present state of fatigue, to be the quick-witted woman I once was, before all these anxieties came together and overpowered me?
or am I perversely afraid of my bed when I want it most?
I don’t know; I am tired and miserable; I am looking wretchedly haggard and old.
With a little encouragement, I might be fool enough to burst out crying.
Luckily, there is no one to encourage me.
What sort of a night is it, I wonder?
“A cloudy night, with the moon showing at intervals, and the wind rising.
I can just hear it moaning among the ins and outs of the unfinished cottages at the end of the street.
My nerves must be a little shaken, I think.
I was startled just now by a shadow on the wall.
It was only after a moment or two that I mustered sense enough to notice where the candle was, and to see that the shadow was my own.
“Shadows remind me of Midwinter; or, if the shadows don’t, something else does.
I must have another look at his letter, and then I will positively go to bed.
“I shall end in getting fond of him.
If I remain much longer in this lonely uncertain state--so irresolute, so unlike my usual self--I shall end in getting fond of him.
What madness!
As if _I_ could ever be really fond of a man again!
“Suppose I took one of my sudden resolutions, and married him.
Poor as he is, he would give me a name and a position if I became his wife.
Let me see how the name--his own name--would look, if I really did consent to it for mine.
“‘Mrs. Armadale!
’ Pretty.
“‘Mrs. Allan Armadale!
’ Prettier still.
“My nerves _must_ be shaken.
Here is my own handwriting startling me now!
It is so strange; it is enough to startle anybody.
The similarity in the two names never struck me in this light before.
Marry which of the two I might, my name would, of course, be the same.
I should have been Mrs. Armadale, if I had married the light-haired Allan at the great house.
And I can be Mrs. Armadale still, if I marry the dark-haired Allan in London.
It’s almost maddening to write it down--to feel that something ought to come of it--and to find nothing come.
“How _can_ anything come of it?
If I did go to London, and marry him (as of course I must marry him) under his real name, would he let me be known by it afterward?
With all his reasons for concealing his real name, he would insist--no, he is too fond of me to do that--he would entreat me to take the name which he has assumed.
Mrs. Midwinter.
Hideous!
Ozias, too, when I wanted to address him familiarly, as his wife should.
Worse than hideous!
“And yet there would be some reason for humoring him in this if he asked me.
“Suppose the brute at the great house happened to leave this neighborhood as a single man; and suppose, in his absence, any of the people who know him heard of a Mrs. Allan Armadale, they would set her down at once as his wife.
Even if they actually saw me--if I actually came among them with that name, and if he was not present to contradict it--his own servants would be the first to say, ‘We knew she would marry him, after all!
’ And my lady-patronesses, who will be ready to believe anything of me now we have quarreled, would join the chorus _sotto voce:_ ‘Only think, my dear, the report that so shocked us actually turns out to be true!
’ No. If I marry Midwinter, I must either be perpetually putting my husband and myself in a false position--or I must leave his real name, his pretty, romantic name, behind me at the church door.
“My husband!
As if I was really going to marry him!
I am _not_ going to marry him, and there’s an end of it.
“Half-past ten.
--Oh, dear!
oh, dear!
how my temples throb, and how hot my weary eyes feel!
There is the moon looking at me through the window.
How fast the little scattered clouds are flying before the wind!
Now they let the moon in; and now they shut the moon out.
What strange shapes the patches of yellow light take, and lose again, all in a moment!
No peace and quiet for me, look where I may.
The candle keeps flickering, and the very sky itself is restless to-night.
“‘To bed!
to bed!
’ as Lady Macbeth says.
I wonder, by-the-by, what Lady Macbeth would have done in my position?
She would have killed somebody when her difficulties first began.
Probably Armadale.
“Friday morning.
--A night’s rest, thanks again to my Drops.
I went to breakfast in better spirits, and received a morning welcome in the shape of a letter from Mrs. Oldershaw.
“My silence has produced its effect on Mother Jezebel.
She attributes it to the right cause, and she shows her claws at last.
If I am not in a position to pay my note of hand for thirty pounds, which is due on Tuesday next, her lawyer is instructed to ‘take the usual course.
’ _If_ I am not in a position to pay it!
Why, when I have settled to-day with my landlord, I shall have barely five pounds left!
There is not the shadow of a prospect between now and Tuesday of my earning any money;
and I don’t possess a friend in this place who would trust me with sixpence.
The difficulties that are swarming round me wanted but one more to complete them, and that one has come.
“Midwinter would assist me, of course, if I could bring myself to ask him for assistance.
But _that_ means marrying him.
Am I really desperate enough and helpless enough to end it in that way?
No; not yet.
“My head feels heavy; I must get out into the fresh air, and think about it.
” “Two o’clock.
--I believe I have caught the infection of Midwinter’s superstition.
I begin to think that events are forcing me nearer and nearer to some end which I don’t see yet, but which I am firmly persuaded is now not far off.
“I have been insulted--deliberately insulted before witnesses--by Miss Milroy.
“After walking, as usual, in the most unfrequented place I could pick out, and after trying, not very successfully, to think to some good purpose of what I am to do next, I remembered that I needed some note-paper and pens, and went back to the town to the stationer’s shop.
It might have been wiser to have sent for what I wanted.
But I was weary of myself, and weary of my lonely rooms; and I did my own errand, for no better reason than that it was something to do.
