Esther Waters — Chapter 42
XLII
Esther kept William within doors during the winter months.
If his health did not improve it got no worse, and she had begun to hope that the breakage of the blood-vessel did not mean lung disease.
But the harsh winds of spring did not suit him, and there was business with his lawyer to which he was obliged to attend.
A determined set was going to be made against the renewal of his licence, and he was determined to defeat his opponents.
Counsel was instructed, and a great deal of money was spent on the case.
But the licence was nevertheless refused, and the north-east wind did not cease to rattle; it seemed resolved on William's death, and with a sick husband on her hands, and all the money they had invested in the house irreparably lost, Esther began to make preparations for moving.
William had proved a kind husband, and in the seven years she had spent in the "King's Head" there had been some enjoyment of life.
She couldn't say that she had been unhappy.
She had always disapproved of the betting.
They had tried to do without it.
There was a great deal in life which one couldn't approve of.
But Ketley had never been very right in his head, and Sarah's misfortune had had very little to do with the "King's Head."
They had all tried to keep her from that man; it was her own fault.
There were worse places than the "King's Head."
It wasn't for her to abuse it.
She had lived there seven years; she had seen her boy growing up--he was almost a young man now, and had had the best education.
That much good the "King's Head" had done.
But perhaps it was no longer suited to William's health.
The betting, she was tired thinking about that; and that constant nipping, it was impossible for him to keep from it with every one asking him to drink with them.
A look of fear and distress passed across her face, and she stopped for a moment....
She was rolling up a pair of curtains.
She did not know how they were to live, that was the worst of it.
If they only had back the money they had sunk in the house she would not so much mind.
That was what was so hard to bear; all that money lost, just as if they had thrown it into the river.
Seven years of hard work--for she had worked hard--and nothing to show for it.
If she had been doing the grand lady all the time it would have been no worse.
Horses had won and horses had lost--a great deal of trouble and fuss and nothing to show for it.
That was what stuck in her throat.
Nothing to show for it.
She looked round the dismantled walls, and descended the vacant staircase.
She would never serve another pint of beer in that bar.
What a strong, big fellow he was when she first went to live with him!
He was sadly changed.
Would she ever see him strong and well again?
She remembered he had told her that he was worth nearly £3000. She hadn't brought him luck.
He wasn't worth anything like that to-day.
"How much have we in the bank, dear?"
"A bit over six hundred pounds.
I was reckoning of it up yesterday.
But what do you want to know for?
To remind me that I've been losing.
Well, I have been losing.
I hope you're satisfied."
"I wasn't thinking of such a thing."
"Yes, you was, there's no use saying you wasn't. It ain't my fault if the 'orses don't win; I do the best I can."
She did not answer him.
Then he said, "It's my 'ealth that makes me irritable, dear; you aren't angry, are you?"
"No, dear, I know you don't mean it, and I don't pay no attention to it."
She spoke so gently that he looked at her surprised, for he remembered her quick temper, and he said, "You're the best wife a man ever had."
"No, I'm not, Bill, but I tries to do my best."
The spring was the harshest ever known, and his cough grew worse and the blood-spitting returned.
Esther grew seriously alarmed.
Their doctor spoke of Brompton Hospital, and she insisted on his going there to be examined.
William would not have her come with him; and she did not press the point, fearing to irritate him, but sat at home waiting anxiously for him to return, hoping against hope, for their doctor had told her that he feared very long trouble.
And she could tell from his face and manner that he had bad news for her.
All her strength left her, but she conquered her weakness and said-- "Now tell me what they said.
I've a right to know; I want to know."
"They said it was consumption."
"Oh, did they say that?"
"Yes, but they don't mean that I'm going to die.
They said they hoped they could patch me up; people often live for years with only half a lung, and it is only the left one that's gone."
He coughed slightly and wiped the blood from his lips.
Esther was quite overcome.
"Now, don't look like that," he said, "or I shall fancy I'm going to die to-morrow."
"They said they thought that they could patch you up?"
"Yes; they said I might go on a long while yet, but that I would never be the man I was."
This was so obvious she could not check a look of pity.
"If you're going to look at me like that I'd sooner go into the hospital at once.
It ain't the cheerfulest of places, but it will be better than here."
"I'm sorry it was consumption.
But if they said they could patch you up, it will be all right.
It was a great deal for them to say."
Her duty was to overcome her grief and speak as if the doctors had told him that there was nothing the matter that a little careful nursing would fail to put right.
William had faith in the warm weather, and she resolved to put her trust in it.
It was hard to see him wasting away before her eyes and keep cheerful looks in her face and an accent of cheerfulness in heir voice.
The sunshine which had come at last seemed to suck up all the life that was in him; he grew paler, and withered like a plant.
Then ill-luck seemed to have joined in the hunt; he could not "touch" a winner, and their fortune drained away with his life.
Favourites and outsiders, it mattered not; whatever he backed lost; and Esther dreaded the cry "Win-ner, all the win-ner!"
He sat on the little balcony in the sunny evenings looking down the back street for the boy to appear with the "special."
Then she had to go and fetch the paper.
On the rare occasions when he won, the spectacle was even more painful.
He brightened up, his thin arm and hand moved nervously, and he began to make projects and indulge in hopes which she knew were vain.
She insisted, however, on his taking regularly the medicine they gave him at the hospital, and this was difficult to do.
For his irritability increased in measure as he perceived the medicine was doing him no good;
he found fault with the doctors, railed against them unjustly, and all the while the little; cough continued, and the blood-spitting returned at the end of cruel intervals, when he had begun to hope that at least that trouble was done with.
One morning he told his wife that he was going to ask the doctors to examine him again.
They had spoken of patching up; but he wanted to know whether he was going to live or die.
There was a certain relief in hearing him speak so plainly; she had had enough of the torture of hope, and would like to know the worst.
He liked better to go to the hospital alone, but she felt that she could not sit at home counting the minutes for him to return, and begged to be allowed to go with him.
To her surprise, he offered no opposition.
She had expected that her request would bring about quite a little scene, but he had taken it so much as a matter of course that she should accompany him that she was doubly glad that she had proposed to go with him; if she hadn't he might have accused her of neglecting him.
She put on her hat; the day was too hot for a jacket; it was the beginning of August; the town was deserted, and the streets looked as if they were about to evaporate or lie down exhausted, and the poor, dry, dusty air that remained after the season was too poor even for Esther's healthy lungs; it made William cough, and she hoped the doctors would order him to the seaside.
From the top of their omnibus they could see right across the plateau of the Green Park, dry and colourless like a desert; as they descended the hill they noticed that autumn was already busy in the foliage; lower down the dells were full of fallen leaves.
At Hyde Park Corner the blown dust whirled about the hill-top; all along St. George's Place glimpses of the empty Park appeared through the railings.
The wide pavements, the Brompton Road, and a semi-detached public-house at the cross-roads, announced suburban London to the Londoner.
"You see," said William, "where them trees are, where the road turns off to the left.
That 'ouse is the 'Bell and Horns.'
That's the sort of house I should like to see you in."
"It's a pity we didn't buy it when we had the money."
"Buy it!
That 'ouse is worth ten thousand pounds if it's worth a penny."
"I was once in a situation not far from here.
I like the Fulham Road; it's like a long village street, ain't it?"
Her first service was with Mrs. Dunbar, in Sydney Street, and she remembered the square church tower at the Chelsea end; a little further on there was the Vestry Hall in the King's Road, and then Oakley Street on the left, leading down to Battersea.
Mrs. Dunbar used to go to some gardens at the end of the King's Road.
Cremorne Gardens, that was the name; there used to be fire-works there, and she often spent the evening at the back window watching the rockets go up.
That was just before Lady Elwin had got her the situation as kitchen-maid at Woodview.
She remembered the very shops--there was Palmer's the butterman, and there was Hyde's the grocer's. Everything was just as she had left it.
How many years ago?
Fifteen or sixteen.
So enwrapped was she in memories that William had to touch her.
"Here we are," he said; "don't you remember the place?"
She remembered very well that great red brick building, a centrepiece with two wings, surrounded by high iron railings lined with gloomy shrubs.
The long straight walks, the dismal trees arow, where pale-faced men walked or rested feebly, had impressed themselves on her young mind--thin, patient men, pacing their sepulchre.
She had wondered who they were, if they would get well; and then, quick with sensation of lingering death, she had hurried away on her errands.
The low wooden yellow-painted gates were unchanged.
She had never before seen them open, and it was new to her to see the gardens filled with bright sunshine and numerous visitors.
There were flowers in the beds, and the trees were beautiful in their leafage.
A
little yellow was creeping through, and from time to time a leaf fell exhausted from the branches.
William, who was already familiar with the custom of the place, nodded to the porter and was let pass without question.
He did not turn to the principal entrance in the middle of the building, but went towards a side entrance.
The house physician was standing near it talking with a young man whom Esther recognised as Mr. Alden.
The thought that he, too, might be dying of consumption crossed her mind, but his appearance and his healthy, hearty laugh reassured her.
A stout, common girl, healthy too, came out of the building with a child, a little thing of twelve or thirteen, with death in her face.
Mr. Alden stopped her, and in his cheerful, kind manner hoped the little one was better.
She answered that she was.
The doctor bade him good-bye and beckoned William and Esther to follow him.
Esther would have liked to have spoken to Mr. Alden.
But he did not see her, and she followed her husband, who was talking with the doctor, through the doorway into a long passage.
At the end of the passage there were a number of girls in print dresses.
The gaiety of the dresses led Esther to think that they must be visitors.
But the little cough warned her that death was amongst them.
As she went past she caught sight of a wasted form in a bath-chair.
The thin hands were laid on the knees, on a little handkerchief, and there were spots on the whiteness deeper than the colour of the dress.
They passed down another passage, meeting a sister on their way; pretty and discreet she was in her black dress and veil, and she raised her eyes, glancing affectionately at the young doctor.
No doubt they loved each other.
The eternal love-story among so much death!
Esther wished to be present at the examination, but a sudden whim made William say that he would prefer to be alone with the doctor, and she returned to the gardens.
Mr. Alden had not yet gone.
He stood with his back turned to her.
The little girl she had seen him speaking to was sitting on a bench under the trees; she held in her hands a skein of yellow worsted which her companion was winding into a ball.
Two other young women were with them and all four were smiling and whispering and looking towards Mr. Alden.
They evidently sought to attract his attention, and wished him to come and speak to them.
Just the natural desire of women to please, and moved by the pathos of this poor coquetting, he went to them, and Esther could see that they all wanted to talk to him.
She too would have liked to have spoken to him; he was an old friend.
And she walked up the grounds, intending to pass by him as she walked back.
His back was still turned to her, and they were all so interested that they gave no heed to anything else.
One of the young women had an exceedingly pretty face.
A small oval, perfectly snow-white, and large blue eyes shaded with long dark lashes; a little aquiline nose; and Esther heard her say, "I should be well enough if it wasn't for the cough.
It isn't no better since--" The cough interrupted the end of the sentence, and affecting to misunderstand her, Mr. Alden said-- "No better than it was a week ago."
"A week ago!"
said the poor girl.
"It is no better since Christmas."
There was surprise in her voice, and the pity of it took Mr. Alden in the throat, and it was with difficulty that he answered that "he hoped that the present fine weather would enable her to get well.
Such weather as this," he said, "is as good as going abroad."
This assertion was disputed.
One of the women had been to Australia for her health, and the story of travel was interspersed by the little coughs, terrible in their apparent insignificance.
But it was Mr. Alden that the others wished to hear speak; they knew all about their companion's trip to Australia, and in their impatience their eyes went towards Esther.
So Mr. Alden became aware of a new presence, and he turned.
"What!
is it you, Esther?"
"Yes, sir."
"But there doesn't seem much the matter with you.
You're all right."
"Yes, I'm all right, sir; it's my husband."
They walked a few yards up the path.
"Your husband!
I'm very sorry."
"He's been an out-door patient for some time; he's being examined by the doctors now."
"Whom did you marry, Esther?"
"William Latch, a betting man, sir."
"You married a betting man, Esther?
How curiously things do work out!
I
remember you were engaged to a pious young man, the stationer's foreman.
That was when you were with Miss Rice; you know, I suppose, that she's dead."
"No, sir, I didn't know it.
I've had so much trouble lately that I've not been to see her for nearly two years.
When did she die, sir?"
"About two months ago.
So you married a betting man!
Miss Rice did say something about it, but I don't think I understood that he was a betting man; I thought he was a publican."
"So he was, sir.
We lost our licence through the betting."
"You say he's being examined by the doctor.
Is it a bad case?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
They walked on in silence until they reached the gate.
"To me this place is infinitely pathetic.
That little cough never silent for long.
Did you hear that poor girl say with surprise that her cough is no better than it was last Christmas?"
"Yes, sir.
Poor girl, I don't think she's long for this world."
"But tell me about your husband, Esther," he said, and his face filled with an expression of true sympathy.
"I'm a subscriber, and if your husband would like to become an in-door patient, I hope you'll let me know."
"Thank you, sir; you was always the kindest, but there's no reason why I should trouble you.
Some friends of ours have already recommended him, and it only rests with himself to remain out or go in."
He pulled out his watch and said, "I am sorry to have met you in such sad circumstances, but I'm glad to have seen you.
It must be seven years or more since you left Miss Rice.
You haven't changed much; you keep your good looks."
"Oh, sir."
He laughed at her embarrassment and walked across the road hailing a hansom, just as he used to in old times when he came to see Miss Rice.
The memory of those days came back upon her.
It was strange to meet him again after so many years.
She felt she had seen him now for the last time.
But it was foolish and wicked, too, to think of such things; her husband dying....
But she couldn't help it; he reminded her of so much of what was past and gone.
A moment after she dashed these personal tears aside and walked open-hearted to meet William.
What had the doctor said?
She must know the truth.
If she was to lose him she would lose everything.
No, not everything; her boy would still remain to her, and she felt that, after all, her boy was what was most real to her in life.
These thoughts had passed through her mind before William had had time to answer her question.
"He said the left lung was gone, that I'd never be able to stand another winter in England.
He said I must go to Egypt."
"Egypt," she repeated.
"Is that very far from here?"
"What matter how far it is!
If I can't live in England I must go where I can live."
"Don't be cross, dear.
I know it's your health that makes you that irritable, but it's hard to bear at times."
"You won't care to go to Egypt with me."
"How can you think that, Bill?
Have I ever refused you anything?"
"Quite right, old girl, I'm sorry.
I know you'd do anything for me.
I've always said so, haven't I?
It's this cough that makes me sharp tempered and fretful.
I shall be different when I get to Egypt."
"When do we start?"
"If we get away by the end of October it will be all right.
It will cost a lot of money; the journey is expensive, and we shall have to stop there six months.
I couldn't think of coming home before the end of April."
Esther did not answer.
They walked some yards in silence.
Then he said-- "I've been very unlucky lately; there isn't much over a hundred pounds in the bank."
"How much shall we want?"
"Three or four hundred pounds at least.
We won't take the boy with us, we couldn't afford that; but I should like to pay a couple of quarters in advance."
"That won't be much."
"Not if I have any luck.
The luck must turn, and I have some splendid information about the Great Ebor and the Yorkshire Stakes.
Stack knows of a horse or two that's being kept for Sandown.
Unfortunately there is not much doing in August.
I must try to make up the money: it's a matter of life and death."
It was for his very life that her husband was now gambling on the race-course, and a sensation of very great wickedness came up in her mind, but she stifled it instantly.
William had noticed the look of fear that appeared in her eyes, and he said-- "It's my last chance.
I can't get the money any other way; and I don't want to die yet awhile.
I haven't been as good to you as I'd like, and I want to do something for the boy, you know."
He had been told not to remain out after sundown, but he was resolved to leave no stone unturned in his search for information, and often he returned home as late as nine and ten o'clock at night coughing--Esther could hear him all up the street.
He came in ready to drop with fatigue, his pockets filled with sporting papers, and these he studied, spreading them on the table under the lamp, while Esther sat striving to do some needlework.
It often dropped out of her hands, and her eyes filled with tears.
But she took care that he should not see these tears; she did not wish to distress him unnecessarily.
Poor chap!
he had enough to put up with as it was.
Sometimes he read out the horses' names and asked her which she thought would win, which seemed to her a likely name.
But she begged of him not to ask her; they had many quarrels on this subject, but in the end he understood that it was not fair to ask her.
Sometimes Stack and Journeyman came in, and they argued about weights and distances, until midnight; old John came to see them, and every day he had heard some new tip.
It often rose to Esther's lips to tell William to back his fancy and have done with it; she could see that these discussions only fatigued him, that he was no nearer to the truth now than he was a fortnight ago.
Meanwhile the horse he had thought of backing had gone up in the betting.
But he said that he must be very careful.
They had only a hundred pounds left; he must be careful not to risk this money foolishly--it was his very life-blood.
If he were to lose all this money, he wouldn't only sign his own death warrant, but also hers.
He might linger on a long while--there was no knowing, but he would never be able to do any work, that was certain (unless he went out to Egypt); the doctor had said so, and then it would be she who would have to support him.
And if God were merciful enough to take him off at once he would leave her in a worse plight than he had found her in, and the boy growing up!
Oh, it was terrible!
He buried his face in his hands, and seemed quite overcome.
Then the cough would take him, and for a few minutes he could only think of himself.
Esther gave him a little milk to drink, and he said-- "There's a hundred pounds left, Esther.
It isn't much, but it's something.
I don't believe that there's much use in my going to Egypt.
I shall never get well.
It is better that I should pitch myself into the river.
That would be the least selfish way out of it."
"William, I will not have you talk in that way," Esther said, laying down her work and going over to him.
"If you was to do such a thing I should never forgive you.
I could never think the same of you."
"All right, old girl, don't be frightened.
I've been thinking too much about them horses, and am a bit depressed.
I daresay it will come out all right.
I think that Mahomet is sure to win the Great Ebor, don't you?"
"I don't think there's no better judge than yourself.
They all say if he don't fall lame that he's bound to win."
"Then Mahomet shall carry my money.
I'll back him to-morrow."
Now that he had made up his mind what horse to back his spirits revived.
He was able to dismiss the subject from his mind, and they talked of other things, of their son, and they laid projects for his welfare.
But on the day of the race, from early morning, William could barely contain himself.
Usually he took his winnings and losings very quietly.
When he had been especially unlucky he swore a bit, but Esther had never seen any great excitement before a race was run.
The issues of this race were extraordinary, and it was heart-breaking to see him suffer; he could not remain still a moment.
A prey to all the terrors of hope, exhausted with anticipation, he rested himself against the sideboard and wiped drops of sweat from his forehead.
A broiling sunlight infested their window-panes, the room grew oven-like, and he was obliged at last to go into the back parlour and lie down.
He lay there in his shirt sleeves quite exhausted, hardly able to breathe; the arm once so strong and healthy was shrunken to a little nothing.
He seemed quite bloodless, and looking at him Esther could hardly hope that any climate would restore him to health.
He just asked her what the time was, and said, "The race is being run now."
A few minutes after he said, "I think Mahomet has won.
I fancied I saw him get first past the post."
