This Giddy Globe — 01 - Part 1, Preface and Chapters 1-3
[Illustration: PETER SIMPLE, F. T.
G.
K.
Mosely, Sculp.
] THIS
GIDDY GLOBE
BY
PETER SIMPLE, F.
T.
G.
FELLOW OF THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE
EDITED AND ILLUSTRATED BY
OLIVER HERFORD, V.
D. W.
A.
[_"Very delightful wit and artist."
_ _--Woodrow Wilson_] NEW YORK
GEORGE H.
DORAN COMPANY
COPYRIGHT, 1919,
BY GEORGE H.
DORAN COMPANY
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
TO
PRESIDENT WILSON
[_With all his faults he quotes me still.
_] PREFACE
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[_The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns only ourselves and the Reader, has been removed to another part of the book.
_] The Author makes due Acknowledgment to Charles Scribner's Sons for the use of certain verses, and to Miss Cecilia Loftus for her series of Perfect Day Pictures.
CONTENTS
PART I: WHY IS THE GLOBE
CHAPTER PAGE
I THE CREATION 15
PREFACE 19
II A LONG JUMP 20
III THE GIDDY GLOBE 23
IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE 25
V THE EQUATOR 28
VI THE EARTH'S CRUST 30
VII THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE 32
VIII THE AGE OF THE GLOBE 35
IX THE FACE OF THE GLOBE 38
X CLIMATE AND WEATHER 44
XI LAND AND WATER 47
XII THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD 51
XIII THE HABITABLE GLOBE 52
XIV THE TENANTS 54
XV RACE 56
XVI GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE 58
XVII THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE 61
PART II: THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH
XVIII THE POLES 65
XIX AMERICA 70
XX BOSTON 75
XXI THE UNITED STATES 78
XXII CANADA 83
XXIII GREAT BRITAIN 86
XXIV SCOTLAND 90
XXV IRELAND 92
XXVI WALES 96
PART III: FOREIGN COUNTRIES
XXVII SOUTH AMERICA 101
XXVIII HOLLAND 103
XXIX BELGIUM 106
XXX FRANCE 109
XXXI GERMANY 111
XXXII SWITZERLAND 112
XXXIII MONACO 113
XXXIV TURKEY 114
XXXV RUSSIA 117
XXXVI NORWAY AND SWEDEN 119
XXXVII AFRICA 122
XXXVIII ARABIA 126
XXXIX AUSTRALIA 129
XL CHINA 131
XLI JAPAN 133
XLII EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN,
GREECE, ETC.
134 EPILOGUE 136
APPENDIX 137
* * * * * THIS GIDDY GLOBE
PART I WHY IS THE GLOBE?
CHAPTER I THE CREATION
_Six busy days it took in all_ _To make a World and plan its fall,_ _The seventh, SOMEONE said 'twas good_ _And rested, should you think he could?
_ _Knowing what the result would be_ _There would have been no rest for me!
_ _Claire Beecher Kummer.
_ It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses, it took to create the World which it is the Geographer's business to describe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of created beings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment on his own work.
Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of Hypothetic Nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic just as the work of Creation was finished.
Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that Critic's reception of the freshly made World?
We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking;
technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green instead of the proper purple; the tinting of the sky which any landscape painter will tell you would be more decorative done in turquoise green than cobalt blue.
Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, who (to impress Mrs. Butterfly) stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's Temple, our Critic might have declared the World "Too flimsy in construction."
He would certainly have found fault with the Solar System and the Plumbing--the absence of heat in Winter when there is the greater need of it and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it never rains.
The comicality of the Ape family might have provoked a reluctant smile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descending to caricature in a serious work.
[Illustration: THE FIRST CALENDAR The Creation of Heaven & Earth _in Six dayes_ _Gen: I_ THE YEAR I
1st Sunday 1st Wednesday 1st Monday 1st Thursday 1st Tuesday 1st Friday] At best, our Critic would have pronounced the freshly made World the work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he "showed promise" and "might go far," and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he would pretend that he had penetrated the veil of Anonymity and hint darkly that he detected evident traces of a Feminine Touch!
In that, however, our Critic would only have been anticipating, for is there not at this very moment on the press a Suffrage edition (for women only) of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse is amended to read thus-- _The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos,_ _But right or left, as strikes the Player goes,_ _And SHE who tossed it down into the field,_ _SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE knows!
_ PREFACE
_STRICTLY PRIVATE_
_For the Reader Only_ DEAR READER:
This is for _you_, and you only.
We have concealed it between chapters one and two so that it will not meet any eye but yours.
We have a confession to make--it would be useless to attempt concealment--we have the Digression habit.
We have tried every known remedy but we fear it is incurable.
All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we stray too far you will favour us with a gentle reminder.
CHAPTER II A LONG JUMP
[Illustration] It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography, to Peter Simple.
When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the fearsome list of Geographers he has skipped--Strabo, Anaximander, Hecatoeus, Demoeritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicoearchus, Erastothenes, Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King,--he may well be thankful to find he has fallen upon his feet.
The Geographer's task is endless.
The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its appearance.
After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearer completion than it was in the beginning.
[Illustration] The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into new shapes, as a child bites the edges of a biscuit.
The glaciers file away the mountains into valleys and plains.
Beneath the ocean busy insects are building the foundations of new continents and, under the earth, Fiery Demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroy the old ones.
It really begins to look as if this Planet would never be finished.
In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only two people in the world.
Today we are preparing to put up the "standing room only" notice.
In another thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going round dark and tenantless and bearing the sign "To Let."
What does it matter to us?
What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth?
Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof.
CHAPTER III THE GIDDY GLOBE
Men of Science, who delight in applying harsh terms to things that cannot talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an Oblate Spheroid.
Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shakespeare, an Oyster; Rossetti, a Midge; and W. S.
Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball-- _Roll on, thou ball, roll on!
_ _Through pathless realms of Space_ _Roll on!
_ _What though I'm in a sorry case?
_ _What though I cannot meet my bills?
_ _What though I suffer toothache's ills?
_ _What though I swallow countless pills?
_ _Never you mind_ _Roll on!
_ (_It rolls on.
_) But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged (even paid) to distort the language, and they must not be taken too literally.
The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese.
Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles.
In the hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, but though she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an hour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over.
No wonder the globe is giddy!
_QUESTIONS_
_Explain the Nebular Hypothesis.
_ _State briefly the electromagnetical constituents of the Aurora Borealis, and explain their relation to the Hertzian Waves.
_ _Define the difference between the Hertzian Wave and the Marcel Wave.
_
