This Giddy Globe — 02 - Part 1, Chapters 4-6

CHAPTER IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE

What is the Earth for?

Nobody knows.

Some say the Earth was made to supply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earth herself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer the question.

[Illustration: THE FRIENDLY COW.

From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker.

Owing to the high price of living the cow was partially eaten by the author before the photograph could be taken.

] To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco Plant, and many other things that we classify among the needs of Man, including the "Friendly Cow"-- _She walks among the flowers sweet_ _And chews and chews and chews,_ _And turns them into friendly meat,_ _And pleasant boots and shoes.

_ But the "Friendly Cow" may in her secret heart regard the classification as anything but friendly.

For all we know, in the hidden scheme of Creation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into the Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), descending through the Ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment.

And the Tobacco Plant?

In the course of time there may be no Tobacco Plant.

Should the American People be again tempted to wage a World War for Freedom, they may find on their return that the Tobacco Plants have gone to join the Grape Vines of California!

Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in Hea----* * The Author _is_ digressing.

_The Reader.

_ _QUESTIONS_

_What is "Friendship"?

_ _Why is the Cow "friendly"?

_ _Is the Oyster friendly?

_ _When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will cigars containing less than one-half of one per cent tobacco be permitted?

_ CHAPTER V THE EQUATOR

[Illustration] The Earth is self-centred.

Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettes round her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour.

We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size of her waist, has never been able to see it.

To anyone with a waist measurement of twenty-five thousand miles the very existence of toes is purely problematical.

To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would be impossible even if it could be of any use.

Instead, therefore, the Earth wears round her middle an imaginary line called the Equator.

To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depicted the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way hampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertaining to feminine attire.

Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of self-esteem.

Other Spheres of equal or greater importance are referred to as "Luminaries" and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of furnishing light when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged.

_Oh would some Power the giftie gie her_ _To see, as other Planets see her!

_ _QUESTIONS_

_Can an imaginary line be said to exist?

_ _If not, why does it need an excuse for existence?

_ CHAPTER VI THE EARTH'S CRUST

Matter-of-fact Geologists speak of the Earth's Crust as if there were only one Crust.

Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who can read between imaginary lines, know that there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper Crust and the Under Crust.

The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich and agreeable and much sought after.

The Under Crust is soggy and disagreeable.

The only apparent reason for its existence is to hold up the Upper Crust.

To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett Burgess-- _The Upper Crust is light as snow_ _And gay with sugar-rime;_ _The Under Crust must stay below,_ _It has a horrid time.

_ When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavy for the popular taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crust becomes the Upper Crust.

These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions.

You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to have in one's system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't seem to mind it in the least.

Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate of a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter.

The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is after a Russian recipe.

The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at all and is declared by the leading Chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proof of the Pie is in the eating, how would you like to try just a----* * Take it away, or we won't read another word!

_The Reader.

_ Oh, very well!

We never did care much for pie anyway, not even for breakfast.

[Illustration] CHAPTER VII THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE