Silly Syclopedia — 01 - Abbreviations, Preface and A
SILLY SYCLOPEDIA
### A Terrible Thing in the Form of a Literary Torpedo which is Launched ### for HILARIOUS PURPOSES ONLY Inaccurate in Every Particular Containing Copious Etymological Derivations and Other Useless Things _By_ _NOAH LOTT_
(An Ex-relative of Noah Webster) Embellished with Numerous and Distracting CUTS and DIAGRAMS by LOUIS F.
GRANT
G.
W.
DILLINGHAM COMPANY
PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
* * * * * Copyright, 1905, by G.
W.
DILLINGHAM COMPANY
_Entered at Stationers' Hall_ Issued July, 1905 _The Silly Syclopedia_ * * * * * Lives of great men all remind us Life is really not worth while If we cannot leave behind us Some excuses for a smile!
* * * * * _To_ MY AUTOMOBILE.
Which when I read it some Of these Brain-throbs Jumped over the fence, climbed a Telegraph pole, burst its Cylinder head, exploded all its Tires And then turned around and Barked at me.
* * * * * ABBREVIATIONS USED IN THIS WORK
A.
b. At the bat.
B.
i.
Butt in.
C.
o. Catch on.
D.
t. l.
Down the line.
E.
s. Easy street.
I.
t. n. In the neck.
I.
u. t. y. It's up to you.
I.
f. M.
I'm from Missouri.
M.
m.
t. s. Make mine the same.
N.
g. Nice gentleman.
O.
t. l.
On the level.
P.
d.
q. Pass the butter.
T.
l.
The limit.
* * * * * PREFACE.
Some eighteen months ago I took this brilliant bunch of brain burrs to my esteemed Publisher and with much enthusiasm invited him to spend a lot of money thereon.
The Main Stem in the Works informed me that he had his fingers on the public pulse and just as soon as that pulse began to jump and yell for something from my fiery pen he would throw the _Silly Syclopedia_ at it.
Then he placed my MS. in the forward turret of his steel-armored safe, gave me a fairly good cigar and began to look hard in the direction of the elevator.
Last week, while searching for some missing government bonds, my Publisher found my sadly neglected MS. He at once reached over and grabbed the public pulse.
To his astonishment it was jumping and making signs in my direction.
In a frenzied effort to make up for lost time my publisher then yelled feverishly for a printer.
Enclosed please find the result.
In the meantime, however, I figure that I have lost ,894. 03 in royalties, worth of glory and about 14 cents worth of fame--tough, isn't it?
I think my Publisher should be censured for going out golfing and taking his fingers off the public pulse.
Don't you?
NOAH LOTT.
Chestnut Hill June 12th, 1905 * * * * * [Illustration: "A--A flush fool."
] A man can drop a lot of dough trying to pick up money.
A fool and his money are soon spotted.
An accommodation liar soon learns to run like an express.
A guilty conscience needs no accuser if you catch him at it.
* * * * * ### A: An adjective, commonly called the indefinite article because the higher the fewer.
### * * * * * A BAS.
A French word meaning "S'cat!"
[Illustration] A SHARP.
A musical term which cannot be explained here, because the Musical Union might get sore.
A FLAT.
A people coop.
Seven rooms and a landlord, with hot and cold gas and running servants.
A _flat_ is the poor relation of an apartment.
ABROAD.
A place where people go to be cured of visiting foreign lands.
ABSCOND.
To duck with the dough.
From The Latin word _absconditto_, meaning to grab the long-green and hike for the Bad Lands.
ABSINTHE.
The national headache of the French.
A jag-builder which is mostly wormwood and bad dreams.
A liquid substance which when applied to a "holdover" revivifies it and enables its owner to sit up and notice the bar-tender.
ABSTAIN.
The stepladder which leads up to the water wagon.
ABSTEMIOUS.
Having an aisle seat on the water wagon.
ACROBAT.
A fellow of infinite chest.
ACCUMULATE.
To collect or bring together.
For example: "He borrowed two dollars from his wife, whereupon he went out and _accumulated_ a bunch of boozerine."
(Carlyle's Heroes and Hero Worship.
) [Illustration] A THING OF BEAUTY.
A joy forever until we get used to it.
ALCOHOL.
The forefather of a hold-over.
Boozerine, in the raw state.
From the Latin words _alco_ and _haul_, meaning "he is soused to the booby hatches, _haul_ him to the _alcove_."
(See Lord Macaulay's Jags of Ancient Rome.
) AMBITION.
The only disease which laziness can cure.
AMUSEMENT.
The hard work a man does on the golf links to give himself an appetite for sausage links.
ANGEL.
Something behind a show--and always something behind.
APE.
To imitate.
For instance: The man who imitates his betters is the easiest man to make a monkey of.
APPLAUSE.
The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for doing our duty.
AUTOMOBILE.
A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go faster.
A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital.
AXE-GRINDING.
The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they can touch you for a barrel of flour.
The axe-grinding industry had its origin in the Garden of Eden.
The Serpent was extremely partial to Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the Serpent an early Fall.
(See Lord Macaulay, page 34. ) [Illustration] AIRSHIP.
A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the newspapers.
* * * * * See M. Santos Dumont.
In case he isn't in when you call a part of his autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M. Santos--see page 97--"was for an opportunity to rise in the world.
"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the ladder and then have someone remove the ladder.
If I stayed up I knew I was successful.
If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or two."
The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name.
It starts off with "M" and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to Santos.
This is a French custom.
Every man in France begins his first name with "M" and then refuses to tell the rest of it.
It seems such a stingy habit.
Let us quote more from M. Dumont's own story: "My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely young.
"One day while out in the Brazilian diamond fields picking the luscious white stones from the trees it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous life I was leading.
"Diamonds, diamonds everywhere and not a place to pawn.
"I became restless.
"My father owned the diamond plantation so I went to him and explained what a tired feeling I had, and how I longed to rise in the world.
"Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe and I rose for a distance of four feet.
"I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep impression upon my mind, and otherwise.
"Ten years later I left home just to convince my father that I could rise in the world without his kindly collaboration.
"One day while in New York I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a sky-remover building.
"The elevator was extremely nervous that day.
"While coming down I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach did not travel with me.
"I spoke to the _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator about it.
"I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump its way downstairs.
"The _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator told me if I did not like it to get out and fly.
"That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine.
"Two weeks later I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the world."
