Silly Syclopedia — 03 - D-G
[Illustration: "D--Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing."
] Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it?
Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did.
Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush.
Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung.
* * * * * ### D: The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth.
### * * * * * DAISY.
A twin sister to a peach.
See _Dream_.
DAM.
A species of floodgates.
By adding the letter "n" the floodgates are loosened.
DAMSEL.
See Daisy.
DARLING.
See your best girl.
DAFFY.
See a doctor.
[Illustration] DAWN.
The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night.
DELUDE.
To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth.
[Illustration] DELUSION.
Something which every man likes to hug--especially if she's pretty.
DESTINY.
Something which laughs at those who never say die.
DESCRIBE.
To give an account of.
For instance, one woman giving a description of another woman's wearing apparel--oh, fudge!
DOGS OF WAR.
Animals that live on bones of contention.
DRUNKARDS.
The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to ruin.
DUST.
The material from which man is made and that is the reason why woman sweeps all before her.
[Illustration: "E--And when she marries her fourth husband its a great deal."
] Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of grammar it uses.
Evil be to him who evil drinketh.
Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him--then it's a new deal.
Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets up and leaves the room.
* * * * * ### E: The fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end of a word--quite unlike some women _you_ know of, eh!
### * * * * * EAR.
A place which hears a great many things which should never have been said.
[Illustration] EARTH.
An orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two classes of people, to wit: kickers and more kickers.
EDEN.
The garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied the human race.
ECSTASY.
A state in which the mind is carried away.
For instance, if you are in a runaway automobile, you are in _ecstasy_ until you hit a telegraph pole; after that you're in a hospital.
EGOTIST.
A man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he is the greatest ever.
ELBOW.
Something you give a man you don't like.
EASTER.
A season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young men and pneumonia.
A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the pocketbook, leads on to the milliners.
ELOPE.
A hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring Papa for funds to get home.
[Illustration] ELOCUTION.
A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal only to the spectators.
EMPLOYER.
A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker.
ENVY.
The root of much criticism.
ECONOMY.
A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars.
EXPERIENCE.
The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the scholar to run away from school.
[Illustration: "F--There's only one thing to do however."
] Fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods.
Failures made by other people pave the road to your Success.
Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow on each hand when she knocks on your door.
Fair play is a jewel, but so many people can't afford jewelry.
* * * * * ### F: The sixth letter of the alphabet.
It is formed by the passage of the breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth, but that doesn't seem to worry it any.
### * * * * * FABLE.
The story a man thinks his wife believes--and she lets him think it.
FAD.
See hobby.
[Illustration] FADE.
To gradually disappear.
For example: "I had ten plunks when I went out last night, but they faded away."
(Lord Palmerston, page 21. ) FAKE.
Something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level.
FAITH.
Something which is said to move mountains, but the railroad contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along.
FAULT.
Something which is so easy to find, but it is so hard to give it when we find it.
FAMILY.
The only cure for race suicide.
FAVOR.
Something we do for a friend so he can forget about it.
FLATTERER.
A man who makes friends until he begins to talk about himself.
FORGER.
A man who tries to make a name for himself, but who picks out the wrong name.
FRIEND.
A man who knows you are a liar, but hopes otherwise.
FRIENDSHIP.
The name of the handle some people put on other people for the purpose of using them.
[Illustration] FOOTBALL.
A system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys.
From the Latin words "footibus," meaning "_put the boots to him_," and "balloona," meaning "up in the air, or, who hit me with a public building?"
A body of college students surrounded by ambulances.
For instance: Sing a song of football Pockets full of salve;
Four and twenty legs all Punctured at the calve.
Captain in the hospital Fullback in the soup, Twenty-seven faces Broken in the group.
Sophomores and Freshmen Punched around the ring;
When the war was over The boys began to sing!
Raw!
Raw!
Raw!
Raw!
Raw!
Raw!
Stew them!
Fry them!
Raw!
Raw!
Raw!
Oysters!
[Illustration: "G--The friends that Gold buys shake hands with two fingers."
] Great oaths from little aching corns do grow.
Great minds run in the same channel--especially if they are sea captains.
Gold is a dull metal, but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife.
Good names are better than great riches and that is why so many of us have names without price.
* * * * * ### G: The seventh letter of the alphabet.
Used by the ancients as an expression of surprise, thus: Hully Gee!
### * * * * * GAB.
The product of a ball-bearing chin.
GAG.
A joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian.
GAS.
A substance we make light of until the bill comes in.
_"You may hide your light under a bushel, but you'll get a bill from the gas company just the same_."
(Shakespeare, page 9. ) GAS BILL.
Something that comes in to put us out.
GAS METER.
A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to please Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old man was down in the grocery store.
GET-RICH-QUICK.
An aquarium for suckers.
A place where poor people go to get poorer.
GEE-GEE.
A horse by any other name will run as fast.
GENIAL.
A guy that never was known to buy.
GENIUS.
Something we have in _our_ family--if you don't believe me, come and hear our little boy recite.
[Illustration] GENT.
Two-thirds of a gentleman.
GENTLEMAN.
A title which many a man claims because the public hasn't time to prove him otherwise.
GERM.
See _microbes_.
In order to see microbes you'll have to get a magnifying glass.
GOSH.
A Yankee synonym for dad bust it!
See _dag my buttons!
_ See any Reub.
GOSSIP.
Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both.
A woman who can put two and two together and make five.
GOOD TIME.
About worth of headache next morning and eighteen cents in small change left in the pocket.
GOURMAND.
A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department store.
GRAND OPERA.
A disease which breaks out in society every winter and can be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward applications of diamonds on the chest.
* * * * * Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian _raconteur_, thus describes in his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York, as follows:-- I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably.
I noticed that most of the ladies in the boxes enjoyed it also, but not unspeakably.
The ladies, Heaven bless them!
seemed to be suffering from that operatic disease which is called nervous conversation.
This is a disease which attacks the vocal chords just as soon as the curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out.
I also enjoyed the names of the singers.
Some of the names on the programme looked like a round robin sent out by a Turnverein bowling club, but I suppose if they were baked in the oven until translated they would mean something soft and soothing like a custard pudding.
Why is it that foreign singers and singerettes always have a name which listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat.
Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just plain Schmidt or Jones.
There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant name I ever witnessed.
If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish of the six-day bicycle race at the Madison Square Garden.
Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a skirmish between the Russians and the Japs.
I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all the letters he caught he kept.
I liked the plot of the Opera.
[Illustration] She was a blonde lady with one of those _embonpoint_ faces which must cost a good deal to keep in repair.
The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead which had moved into his hair when it was very young.
I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was the usher who gave me a seat.
I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening without taking 32 bars rest.
My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious.
The story of the Opera was simple.
A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and came out on the stage.
Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies went away.
Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice.
Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo eyes at the tall gentleman.
He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and took a couple of high notes.
She took the same.
Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was pitiful.
When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo.
The story he told was simplicity itself.
Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept saying "Aha!
aha-eo!
I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night--tra-la-la- la!
-aha!
-aha-eo!
For-doing-this,--for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one- thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!
-aha-eo!"
Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, "Ditto, ditto, ditto!
me too, me too!
oo-oo-me too!"
It was delicious.
But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into "Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda.
So I stood up and went home.
