Silly Syclopedia — 04 - H-L
[Illustration: "H--It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach."
] He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach.
How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they need!
Here are two things any man can find in the dark--a carpet tack and a limburger sandwich.
"Handsome is as handsome does them"--the motto of the bunco steerer.
* * * * * ### H: The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because Englishmen have dropped it so often.
(Get ap!
) ### * * * * * HA!
An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue words when you step on a tack.
HA, HA!
Something the world tries to give you on the slightest provocation.
[Illustration] HAIR.
The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the purpose of falling out later on.
HARD JOB.
Trying to live without working.
HARD WORK.
The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people prefer lemons.
HEALTH.
The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to the drugstore.
HEAT.
A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital.
It is from the Latin words "_Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?
_"--which means much or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at.
HERO.
A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him.
A man who goes into history and cannot get out again.
HIGHBALL.
A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the drugstore.
HOG.
A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end seat.
HONESTY.
The best policy after they catch you trying the others.
The excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve.
HOPE.
A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a transfer to the day after to-morrow.
HORSE-SHOW.
A place where the women show the horse that he has no show.
Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until the price is known.
[Illustration] HUSBAND.
A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife something to worry about.
See _Fourflush_.
Also look in the discard.
HUMIDITY.
Something which comes in through the window and goes out through the pores.
A warm proposition any way you take it.
A
brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades.
The word comes from the Swedish language, "_Sockett Toodem_," which means "_Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!
_" HYPOCRITE.
A knocker which is out of order except when your back is turned.
[Illustration: "I--When two people quarrel and smile at the same time, the third person can go for the separation papers."
] It is a wise son that owes his own father.
It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress.
If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask.
It takes three people to engineer a quarrel--two to make it and one to run for a policeman.
* * * * * ### I: The ninth letter of the alphabet.
Used principally by touchers in connection with O and U. Thus, I. O.
U.
### * * * * * ICE.
A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads.
IGNORANCE.
A lack of knowledge.
For instance: The man who never heard of a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis.
(Milton, page 7. ) IMPOSSIBILITY.
A stuttering man trying to make a bluff.
[Illustration] INCONGRUITY.
A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too loud on the Sabbath day.
INDOLENT.
A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer.
IRONY OF FATE.
A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to stay home because his wife has acute indigestion.
INDIAN COMMISSIONER.
The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or not.
* * * * * The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years.
This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and scalping knives are a little dull at first.
In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog, Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the vicinity of an Indian reservation: "Hist!"
The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation.
"What is it, Mike?"
said Sniffles, the barber.
"Hist!"
Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant horizon.
On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward!
Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop.
Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors.
The Indian entered the barber shop.
"You are next!"
said Sniffles, politely.
"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only an hour ago--hence the delay.
The bay rum, please!"
"You want it for the hair?"
inquired the barber.
"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian.
"Get in the chair, please!"
said the barber.
"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian.
"I am not for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea.
Heap thirst!
Don't keep me waiting!"
The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him.
"What is your name?"
he said painfully.
"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly.
"Nice Indian!
pretty Indian!
good Indian!
You are not compelled to get your hair cut, you know!"
said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed.
"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo, fiercely.
Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him.
"Ugh!"
said the Indian.
"Ugh!"
has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!"
has in English.
"When I came in paleface said I was next," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo.
"Well, I am next to this business.
You have bay rum and I have a thirst--let us get together!"
"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the barber.
"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I have decided to use it on the inside of my neck!"
"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber.
It was his last whisper in that shop.
Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst.
[Illustration] This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his head.
Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to grow black before him.
The barber groaned in agony.
It was thrilling.
When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington for inventing the barber shop.
That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary, walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the Interior Department.
[Illustration: "J--The Tip End of the season."
] Jolly not that you be not jollied.
Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain if she could see them.
Journeys end in porter tippings.
Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable.
* * * * * ### J: The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to designate a Reub with rubber in the neck--whatever that may be.
### [Illustration: JAY] * * * * * JAG.
See gold cure.
If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker.
JOCKEY.
A hero or a slob--it all together depends on where the horse finishes.
JOKE.
Something that's extremely clever--when we make it ourselves.
[Illustration.
] JOLLY.
Flattery with a smile on its face.
JOLT.
The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all.
JOY.
Gladness with the lid off.
JUG.
A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag.
JUDGMENT.
An ability which some men get credit for having when in reality they are merely lucky at guessing things.
JUSTICE.
The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it.
[Illustration: "K--A Small boy can spoil the most favorable circumstance."
] Kisses go by favorable circumstances.
Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them.
Keep a stiff upper lip--especially when you're shaving yourself.
Knockers never have weak lungs.
* * * * * ### K: The eleventh letter of the alphabet, pronounced K, as in Knuckle.
### * * * * * KEEN.
A grafter with a victim in sight.
KENO.
What the grafter says when he's through with the victim.
KEEP.
The motto of the Trusts.
KEY.
An instrument used at 2 A. M.
in connection with a door to determine whether a man is sober or not.
[Illustration] KEROSENE.
An ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out through the kitchen roof.
KICKER.
A man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside.
KISS.
A sigh set to music.
The oldest monopoly in the world with the exception of John D. Rockerfeller.
A kiss is the soul's cocktail.
A
wireless message from he to she, with a little peaches and cream on the side.
[Illustration] KNOCKER.
A hurdle in the way of the worthy.
A chin-critic.
An expert with the harpoon.
[Illustration: "L--When a man is so lazy that he won't talk he is called profound."
] Love laughs at everybody except the girl's Papa.
Laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue.
Lots of men spend two dollars' worth of worry over the loss of a quarter.
Look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who has the cash.
* * * * * ### L: The twelfth letter of the alphabet, captured some years ago for the purpose of describing the Elevated Railroad.
### * * * * * LABOR.
Trying to get back the money you loaned.
[Illustration] LADY.
A gentleman woman.
LAMB.
A young mutton-head that goes into Wall Street.
LARK.
A bird of a name given to a bird of a time.
LIGHT.
An excuse used by the Gas Company to collect money.
LITERARY FAILURE.
A man whose brain was unfit for publication.
[Illustration] LOBSTER.
A shine after he gets in the swim.
LOAFER.
A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another man to collect it.
