Silly Syclopedia — 07 - T-Z
Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime.
[Illustration: "T--Blue sky of a Greenish Hue."
] The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke he finds he has burned most of them.
The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills.
The mud slinger never has clean hands.
The way of the transgressor is hard on his family.
* * * * * ### T: The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author of the alphabet always drank coffee.
### * * * * * TABLE.
A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money.
See _gambling_.
You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't see you first.
TACT.
The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke.
TALENT.
The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment.
TEMPER.
Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may hand it back to you with a short-arm jab.
TEMPTATION.
The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip.
THE LAUGH.
Something which should always be on the other fellow.
TO-MORROW.
The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.
THERMOMETER.
A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the purpose of driving humanity to drink.
[Illustration] TROUBLE.
The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a hurry.
The place where a man finds his head when he loses it.
TROUBLE HUNTER.
A man who always comes home with a game-bag full.
TRUTH.
The kind words our enemies say about us.
Something which never figures in politics because it forgets to register.
[Illustration: "U--Both Ends."
] Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed.
Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives talking about home industry.
Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown.
Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his pocketbook runs dry.
* * * * * ### U: The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some scandal because it is always tagging after Q. ### * * * * * [Illustration] UMPIRE.
A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game.
UNHAPPY.
The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to.
UNSELFISHNESS.
To be able to read of a neighbor's success without reaching for the harpoon.
A man who will give his last cigar to a stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she spent forty cents for baby's new shoes.
UNDERTAKER.
A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke.
[Illustration: "V--Ideas Expressed."
] Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured.
Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors.
Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them.
Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value.
* * * * * ### V: The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for a five-dollar bill.
### * * * * * VACATION.
The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose.
VACANT.
The top story of a snob.
[Illustration] VANITY.
The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads.
VERSATILITY.
The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose smile at the same time.
VICE VERSA.
To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's feet at the head of the bed.
See _Jag_ and _Soused_.
VIRTUE.
Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a small amount.
VULGARIANS.
People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles, with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise, noise.
[Illustration: "W--Smile, please!"
] When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish.
Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man look like 30 cents.
When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always turns him down.
When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious.
* * * * * ### W: The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very well in the matter of a name.
### * * * * * WAD.
A roll of bills with a rubber band around it.
This is a wonderful weapon in the hands of a steady spender.
WAR.
An excuse for talking about the dove of peace.
[Illustration] WEALTH.
To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace that kills.
WEATHER MAN.
A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play tiddlewinks with the weather.
He tells the weather what to do, and the weather does as it pleases.
A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow, with westerly winds," but means something different.
The idea comes from the Latin words "_Guessa Gain_," which mean, "I am paid to tell the truth, but I don't need the money."
WHISKEY.
Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son.
WORRY.
A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable.
[Illustration: "X--The Old School."
] Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night school.
Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good fashion.
Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance.
Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over again.
* * * * * ### X: The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet.
It was so late getting in that very few words are fastened to it.
### * * * * * X.
That ten dollars you loaned some time ago.
XTRACTOR.
The fellow you loaned it to.
[Illustration] XCITEMENT.
What happened when you tried to get it back.
X-RAYS.
A machine you'll have to use to find your X. [Illustration: "Y--Men have been known to Listen."
] You shouldn't look a gift automobile in the price tag.
Yea, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend.
Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never get rich.
You may take my word for it, that whatever a man hopes to be he will be, unless he gets on the wrong car.
* * * * * ### Y: The twenty-fifth letter of the alphabet, which is of a bibulous nature because it's always in rye.
(Mercy!
) ### * * * * * YAP.
The real thing on the farm, but an awful thing on Broadway.
YACHT.
A device which eats up money and yells for more.
[Illustration] YOKE.
The way a Swede says joke.
YESTERDAY.
The day upon which our ship should have arrived.
[Illustration: "Z--Falling Out of Love."
] Zum men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl.
Zum men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience.
Zumhow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties concerned.
Zum say that money isn't everything in this world, but it takes a man with money to believe it.
* * * * * ### Z: The twenty-sixth and last letter of the alphabet, and I'm glad of it.
### * * * * * ZEAL.
The ardor with which we manage other people's affairs.
ZEBRA.
An animal used principally to illustrate the letter Z. ZERO.
The place where the cold waves come from.
ZIP.
The same as _Zow_.
ZOW.
The same as _Zip_.
ZOO.
A garden scented by wild animals.
[Illustration] ZABO.
A contraction of Gonzabo, which means a Fiff.
