Silly Syclopedia — 09 - Insomnia, Wisdom is as Wisdom Does and Whist

How to Effect a Permanent and Lasting Cure.

1. --Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner.

By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight, and you will be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed.

2. --Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special attention to a lobster salad, welsh rarebit and hard-boiled eggs.

This will, no doubt, give you delirium tremens, night-mare, St. Vitus' dance and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept the rest of the household awake as well as yourself.

3. --Always undress in the dark.

When you have broken three chairs, upset the centre table and stepped on six assorted tacks, you will realize what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become so acute that you will want to sit up and read the Family Story Paper during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing.

4. --Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body and throw the pillows away.

The monotony of a sleepless night will then be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia.

5. --Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavor to breathe pronouncedly and with exaggeration, like a freight engine climbing a grade.

This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighborhood, but you will be enabled to while the remaining hours of the night away by listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the other members of the household.

6. --Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before retiring.

If you keep this up long enough it will be breakfast time, and you may then go about your daily labor with the happy consciousness that you have saved the bed clothes a great deal of wear and tear.

7. --Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular care to come home late and allow the watch dog to mistake you for a tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next country side.

It is also calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your feet.

A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies with an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place, is a pleasant diversion in a sleepless night.

8. --Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree.

If you hear thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle; if you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence; if you feel the folding bed closing up let it close and go on with your counting; if you know that burglars are in the room pay no attention to them and let them burgle--you have business of your own to attend to.

A man with a thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling details.

WISDOM IS AS WISDOM DOES.

All is not cold that shivers.

Success never shakes hands with a lazy man.

An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign Dukes in the divorce court.

The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his brains.

Before marriage a woman is an angel; after marriage she is still an angel, but her husband is now from Missouri, and she has to show him.

If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many times a day would we be insulted.

WHIST.

Being a Few Hints How to Play the Game.

Whist is a well known game with cards.

It requires close attention and silence.

Some people learn to play whist in fifteen minutes, but their partners generally wear a worried look.

There are other people who never learn to play the game, but, unfortunately for humanity, they never fully realize this fact.

Their partners soon discover it, however, but politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide world.

The following series of "Don'ts" may help you to understand some of the intricacies of the delightful game of whist.

If they do not help you the only thing to do is to try pinochle:-- Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick.

It is in very bad taste, unless you are a good dancer, and even then your opponents may feel deeply chagrined.

Don't smile sweetly your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen words that you have seven trumps in your hand.

Your opponents may hear you, and scowl darkly at you.

Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or she hasn't followed suit, being very careful to select a loud and resonant tone of voice for the occasion.

This compels your opponent to look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had sense enough to mind your own business.

Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand.

The limit used to be twenty-six times, but the best authorities on whist now say eighteen.

Don't have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick.

Conniption fits are very bad form, and they delay the game.

Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close.

It shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table, especially if you are in a strange house.

Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play.

Whistling is not in good taste.

Go and perform on the piano.

It has a much better effect, particularly if your selection is something lively, like "El Capitan" or "The Maiden's Prayer."

Don't talk politics while playing whist.

Either whist or politics will suffer if you do.

Statisticians claim that 34,647,932 times out of 34,647,933 it is whist that suffers.

Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile disdainfully upon your opponents.

They may not admire a spectacular arrangement of your features, and if they happen to be in a bad humor your facial expression may be ruined for life.

Don't labor under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no right to trump your ace if they can.

Neither is it considered elegant or refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac for so doing.

Don't make an earnest endeavor to split the table asunder when playing a winning card.

People may think you are eccentric if you try to make kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honor.

Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps, and then get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted to pull it back.

It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air.

Besides, you might fall and hurt yourself and the neighborhood.

Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the table.

It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game, and it makes the other players admire your elocutionary powers.

Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played.

It draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win.

It also draws uncomplimentary remarks from your opponents and sometimes occasions the use of a club.