Apologia Pro Vita Sua — 02 - Preface, Part 2

* * * * * What then shall be the special imputation, against which I shall throw myself in these pages, out of the thousand and one which my Accuser directs upon me?

I mean to confine myself to one, for there is only one about which I much care,--the charge of Untruthfulness.

He may cast upon me as many other imputations as he pleases, and they may stick on me, as long as they can, in the course of nature.

They will fall to the ground in their season.

And indeed I think the same of the charge of Untruthfulness, and select it from the rest, not because it is more formidable but because it is more serious.

Like the rest, it may disfigure me for a time, but it will not stain: Archbishop Whately used to say, "Throw dirt enough, and some will stick;" well, will stick, but not, will stain.

I think he used to mean "stain," and I do not agree with him.

Some dirt sticks longer than other dirt; but no dirt is immortal.

According to the old saying, Prævalebit Veritas.

There are virtues indeed, which the world is not fitted to judge of or to uphold, such as faith, hope, and charity: but it can judge about Truthfulness; it can judge about the natural virtues, and Truthfulness is one of them.

Natural virtues may also become supernatural; Truthfulness is such; but that does not withdraw it from the jurisdiction of mankind at large.

It may be more difficult in this or that particular case for men to take cognizance of it, as it may be difficult for the Court of Queen's Bench at Westminster to try a case fairly which took place in Hindostan: but that is a question of capacity, not of right.

Mankind has the right to judge of Truthfulness in a Catholic, as in the case of a Protestant, of an Italian, or of a Chinese.

I have never doubted, that in my hour, in God's hour, my avenger will appear, and the world will acquit me of untruthfulness, even though it be not while I live.

Still more confident am I of such eventual acquittal, seeing that my judges are my own countrymen.

I consider, indeed, Englishmen the most suspicious and touchy of mankind; I think them unreasonable, and unjust in their seasons of excitement;

but I had rather be an Englishman, (as in fact I am,) than belong to any other race under heaven.

They are as generous, as they are hasty and burly; and their repentance for their injustice is greater than their sin.

For twenty years and more I have borne an imputation, of which I am at least as sensitive, who am the object of it, as they can be, who are only the judges.

I have not set myself to remove it, first, because I never have had an opening to speak, and, next, because I never saw in them the disposition to hear.

I have wished to appeal from Philip drunk to Philip sober.

When shall I pronounce him to be himself again?

If I may judge from the tone of the public press, which represents the public voice, I have great reason to take heart at this time.

I have been treated by contemporary critics in this controversy with great fairness and gentleness, and I am grateful to them for it.

However, the decision of the time and mode of my defence has been taken out of my hands; and I am thankful that it has been so.

I am bound now as a duty to myself, to the Catholic cause, to the Catholic Priesthood, to give account of myself without any delay, when I am so rudely and circumstantially charged with Untruthfulness.

I

accept the challenge; I shall do my best to meet it, and I shall be content when I have done so.

* * * * * It is not my present accuser alone who entertains, and has entertained, so dishonourable an opinion of me and of my writings.

It is the impression of large classes of men; the impression twenty years ago and the impression now.

There has been a general feeling that I was for years where I had no right to be; that I was a "Romanist" in Protestant livery and service;

that I was doing the work of a hostile Church in the bosom of the English Establishment, and knew it, or ought to have known it.

There was no need of arguing about particular passages in my writings, when the fact was so patent, as men thought it to be.

First it was certain, and I could not myself deny it, that I scouted the name "Protestant."

It was certain again, that many of the doctrines which I professed were popularly and generally known as badges of the Roman Church, as distinguished from the faith of the Reformation.

Next, how could I have come by them?

Evidently, I had certain friends and advisers who did not appear; there was some underground communication between Stonyhurst or Oscott and my rooms at Oriel.

Beyond a doubt, I was advocating certain doctrines, not by accident, but on an understanding with ecclesiastics of the old religion.

Then men went further, and said that I had actually been received into that religion, and withal had leave given me to profess myself a Protestant still.

Others went even further, and gave it out to the world, as a matter of fact, of which they themselves had the proof in their hands, that I was actually a Jesuit.

And when the opinions which I advocated spread, and younger men went further than I, the feeling against me waxed stronger and took a wider range.

And now indignation arose at the knavery of a conspiracy such as this:--and it became of course all the greater in consequence of its being the received belief of the public at large, that craft and intrigue, such as they fancied they beheld with their eyes, were the very instruments to which the Catholic Church has in these last centuries been indebted for her maintenance and extension.

There was another circumstance still, which increased the irritation and aversion felt by the large classes, of whom I have been speaking, against the preachers of doctrines, so new to them and so unpalatable; and that was, that they developed them in so measured a way.

If they were inspired by Roman theologians, (and this was taken for granted,) why did they not speak out at once?

Why did they keep the world in such suspense and anxiety as to what was coming next, and what was to be the upshot of the whole?

Why this reticence, and half-speaking, and apparent indecision?

It was plain that the plan of operations had been carefully mapped out from the first, and that these men were cautiously advancing towards its accomplishment, as far as was safe at the moment; that their aim and their hope was to carry off a large body with them of the young and the ignorant;

that they meant gradually to leaven the minds of the rising generation, and to open the gates of that city, of which they were the sworn defenders, to the enemy who lay in ambush outside of it.

And when in spite of the many protestations of the party to the contrary, there was at length an actual movement among their disciples, and one went over to Rome, and then another, the worst anticipations and the worst judgments which had been formed of them received their justification.

And, lastly, when men first had said of me, "You will see, _he_ will go, he is only biding his time, he is waiting the word of command from Rome," and, when after all, after my arguments and denunciations of former years, at length I did leave the Anglican Church for the Roman, then they said to each other, "It is just as we said: we knew it would be so."

This was the state of mind of masses of men twenty years ago, who took no more than an external and common sense view of what was going on.

And partly the tradition, partly the effect of that feeling, remains to the present time.

Certainly I consider that, in my own case, it is the great obstacle in the way of my being favourably heard, as at present, when I have to make my defence.

Not only am I now a member of a most un-English communion, whose great aim is considered to be the extinction of Protestantism and the Protestant Church, and whose means of attack are popularly supposed to be unscrupulous cunning and deceit, but how came I originally to have any relations with the Church of Rome at all?

did I, or my opinions, drop from the sky?

how came I, in Oxford, _in gremio Universitatis_, to present myself to the eyes of men in that full blown investiture of Popery?

How could I dare, how could I have the conscience, with warnings, with prophecies, with accusations against me, to persevere in a path which steadily advanced towards, which ended in, the religion of Rome?

And how am I now to be trusted, when long ago I was trusted, and was found wanting?

It is this which is the strength of the case of my Accuser against me;--not the articles of impeachment which he has framed from my writings, and which I shall easily crumble into dust, but the bias of the court.

It is the state of the atmosphere; it is the vibration all around, which will echo his bold assertion of my dishonesty; it is that prepossession against me, which takes it for granted that, when my reasoning is convincing it is only ingenious, and that when my statements are unanswerable, there is always something put out of sight or hidden in my sleeve; it is that plausible, but cruel conclusion to which men are apt to jump, that when much is imputed, much must be true, and that it is more likely that one should be to blame, than that many should be mistaken in blaming him;--these are the real foes which I have to fight, and the auxiliaries to whom my Accuser makes his advances.

Well, I must break through this barrier of prejudice against me if I can; and I think I shall be able to do so.

When first I read the Pamphlet of Accusation, I almost despaired of meeting effectively such a heap of misrepresentations and such a vehemence of animosity.

What was the good of answering first one point, and then another, and going through the whole circle of its abuse; when my answer to the first point would be forgotten, as soon as I got to the second?

What was the use of bringing out half a hundred separate principles or views for the refutation of the separate counts in the Indictment, when rejoinders of this sort would but confuse and torment the reader by their number and their diversity?

What hope was there of condensing into a pamphlet of a readable length, matter which ought freely to expand itself into half a dozen volumes?

What means was there, except the expenditure of interminable pages, to set right even one of that series of "single passing hints," to use my Assailant's own language, which, "as with his finger tip he had delivered" against me?

All those separate charges had their force in being illustrations of one and the same great imputation.

He had already a positive idea to illuminate his whole matter, and to stamp it with a force, and to quicken it with an interpretation.

He called me a _liar_,--a simple, a broad, an intelligible, to the English public a plausible arraignment; but for me, to answer in detail charge one by reason one, and charge two by reason two, and charge three by reason three, and so on through the whole string both of accusations and replies, each of which was to be independent of the rest, this would be certainly labour lost as regards any effective result.

What I needed was a corresponding antagonist unity in my defence, and where was that to be found?

We see, in the case of commentators on the prophecies of Scripture, an exemplification of the principle on which I am insisting; viz.

how much more powerful even a false interpretation of the sacred text is than none at all;--how a certain key to the visions of the Apocalypse, for instance, may cling to the mind (I have found it so in the case of my own), because the view, which it opens on us, is positive and objective, in spite of the fullest demonstration that it really has no claim upon our reception.

The reader says, "What else can the prophecy mean?"

just as my Accuser asks, "What, then, does Dr. Newman mean?"

...

I reflected, and I saw a way out of my perplexity.

Yes, I said to myself, his very question is about my _meaning_;

"What does Dr. Newman mean?"

It pointed in the very same direction as that into which my musings had turned me already.

He asks what I _mean_; not about my words, not about my arguments, not about my actions, as his ultimate point, but about that living intelligence, by which I write, and argue, and act.

He asks about my Mind and its Beliefs and its sentiments;

and he shall be answered;--not for his own sake, but for mine, for the sake of the Religion which I profess, and of the Priesthood in which I am unworthily included, and of my friends and of my foes, and of that general public which consists of neither one nor the other, but of well-wishers, lovers of fair play, sceptical cross-questioners, interested inquirers, curious lookers-on, and simple strangers, unconcerned yet not careless about the issue,--for the sake of all these he shall be answered.

My perplexity had not lasted half an hour.

I recognized what I had to do, though I shrank from both the task and the exposure which it would entail.

I must, I said, give the true key to my whole life; I must show what I am, that it may be seen what I am not, and that the phantom may be extinguished which gibbers instead of me.

I wish to be known as a living man, and not as a scarecrow which is dressed up in my clothes.

False ideas may be refuted indeed by argument, but by true ideas alone are they expelled.

I will vanquish, not my Accuser, but my judges.

I will indeed answer his charges and criticisms on me one by one[1], lest any one should say that they are unanswerable, but such a work shall not be the scope nor the substance of my reply.

I

will draw out, as far as may be, the history of my mind; I will state the point at which I began, in what external suggestion or accident each opinion had its rise, how far and how they developed from within, how they grew, were modified, were combined, were in collision with each other, and were changed;

again how I conducted myself towards them, and how, and how far, and for how long a time, I thought I could hold them consistently with the ecclesiastical engagements which I had made and with the position which I held.

I must show,--what is the very truth,--that the doctrines which I held, and have held for so many years, have been taught me (speaking humanly) partly by the suggestions of Protestant friends, partly by the teaching of books, and partly by the action of my own mind: and thus I shall account for that phenomenon which to so many seems so wonderful, that I should have left "my kindred and my father's house" for a Church from which once I turned away with dread;--so wonderful to them!

as if forsooth a Religion which has flourished through so many ages, among so many nations, amid such varieties of social life, in such contrary classes and conditions of men, and after so many revolutions, political and civil, could not subdue the reason and overcome the heart, without the aid of fraud in the process and the sophistries of the schools.

[1] This was done in the Appendix, of which the more important parts are preserved in the Notes.

* * * * * What I had proposed to myself in the course of half-an-hour, I determined on at the end of ten days.

However, I have many difficulties in fulfilling my design.

How am I to say all that has to be said in a reasonable compass?

And then as to the materials of my narrative; I have no autobiographical notes to consult, no written explanations of particular treatises or of tracts which at the time gave offence, hardly any minutes of definite transactions or conversations, and few contemporary memoranda, I fear, of the feelings or motives under which, from time to time I acted.

I have an abundance of letters from friends with some copies or drafts of my answers to them, but they are for the most part unsorted; and, till this process has taken place, they are even too numerous and various to be available at a moment for my purpose.

Then, as to the volumes which I have published, they would in many ways serve me, were I well up in them: but though I took great pains in their composition, I have thought little about them, when they were once out of my hands, and for the most part the last time I read them has been when I revised their last proof sheets.

Under these circumstances my sketch will of course be incomplete.

I now for the first time contemplate my course as a whole; it is a first essay, but it will contain, I trust, no serious or substantial mistake, and so far will answer the purpose for which I write it.

I purpose to set nothing down in it as certain, of which I have not a clear memory, or some written memorial, or the corroboration of some friend.

There are witnesses enough up and down the country to verify, or correct, or complete it; and letters moreover of my own in abundance, unless they have been destroyed.

Moreover, I mean to be simply personal and historical: I am not expounding Catholic doctrine, I am doing no more than explaining myself, and my opinions and actions.

I wish, as far as I am able, simply to state facts, whether they are ultimately determined to be for me or against me.

Of course there will be room enough for contrariety of judgment among my readers, as to the necessity, or appositeness, or value, or good taste, or religious prudence, of the details which I shall introduce.

I

may be accused of laying stress on little things, of being beside the mark, of going into impertinent or ridiculous details, of sounding my own praise, of giving scandal; but this is a case above all others, in which I am bound to follow my own lights and to speak out my own heart.

It is not at all pleasant for me to be egotistical; nor to be criticized for being so.

It is not pleasant to reveal to high and low, young and old, what has gone on within me from my early years.

It is not pleasant to be giving to every shallow or flippant disputant the advantage over me of knowing my most private thoughts, I might even say the intercourse between myself and my Maker.

But I do not like to be called to my face a liar and a knave; nor should I be doing my duty to my faith or to my name, if I were to suffer it.

I know I have done nothing to deserve such an insult, and if I prove this, as I hope to do, I must not care for such incidental annoyances as are involved in the process.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

History of my Religious Opinions up to 1833 CHAPTER II.

History of my Religious Opinions from 1833 to 1839 CHAPTER III.

History of my Religious Opinions from 1839 to 1841 CHAPTER IV.

History of my Religious Opinions from 1841 to 1845 CHAPTER V.

Position of my Mind since 1845 NOTES.

Note A. On page 14. Liberalism B.

On page 23. Ecclesiastical Miracles C.

On page 153. Sermon on Wisdom and Innocence D.

On page 213. Series of Saints' Lives of 1843-4 E.

On page 227. Anglican Church F.

On page 269. The Economy G.

On page 279. Lying and Equivocation SUPPLEMENTAL MATTER.

1. Chronological List of Letters and Papers quoted in this Narrative 2. List of the Author's Works 3. Letter to him from his Diocesan 4. Addresses from bodies of Clergy and Laity ADDITIONAL NOTES.

Note 1, on page 12. Correspondence with Archbishop Whately in 1834 2, on page 90. Extract of a Letter from the Rev. E.

Smedley in 1828 3, on page 185. Extract of a Letter of the Rev. Francis Faber about 1849 4, on pages 194-196. The late Very Rev. Dr. Russell 5, on page 232. Extract of a Letter from the Rev. John Keble in 1844 6, on page 237. Extract from the _Times_ concerning the Author's visit to Oxford in 1878 7, on page 302. The oil of St. Walburga 8, on page 323. Boniface of Canterbury MY RELIGIOUS OPINIONS.