Literary Lapses — 27 - Insurance Up to Date
_Insurance up to Date_ A man called on me the other day with the idea of insuring my life.
Now, I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
I have been insured a great many times, for about a month at a time, but have had no luck with it at all.
So I made up my mind that I would outwit this man at his own game.
I let him talk straight ahead and encouraged him all I could, until he finally left me with a sheet of questions which I was to answer as an applicant.
Now this was what I was waiting for; I had decided that, if that company wanted information about me, they should have it, and have the very best quality I could supply.
So I spread the sheet of questions before me, and drew up a set of answers for them, which, I hoped, would settle for ever all doubts as to my eligibility for insurance.
Question.
--What is your age?
Answer.
--I can't think.
Q.
--What is your chest measurement?
A.
--Nineteen inches.
Q.
--What is your chest expansion?
A.
--Half an inch.
Q.
--What is your height?
A.
--Six feet five, if erect, but less when I walk on all fours.
Q.
--Is your grandfather dead?
A.
--Practically.
Q.
--Cause of death, if dead?
A.
--Dipsomania, if dead.
Q.
--Is your father dead?
A.
--To the world.
Q.
--Cause of death?
A.
--Hydrophobia.
Q.
--Place of father's residence?
A.
--Kentucky.
Q.
--What illness have you had?
A.
--As a child, consumption, leprosy, and water on the knee.
As a man, whooping-cough, stomach-ache, and water on the brain.
Q.
--Have you any brothers?
A.
--Thirteen; all nearly dead.
Q.
--Are you aware of any habits or tendencies which might be expected to shorten your life?
A.
--I am aware.
I drink, I smoke, I take morphine and vaseline.
I
swallow grape seeds and I hate exercise.
I thought when I had come to the end of that list that I had made a dead sure thing of it, and I posted the paper with a cheque for three months' payment, feeling pretty confident of having the cheque sent back to me.
I was a good deal surprised a few days later to receive the following letter from the company:
