Piccadilly A Fragment of Contemporary Biography — 05 - Part IIIb: Suicide

As I walked home, with the piercing March wind cutting me through, solemn thoughts and earnest aspirations arose within me, and, struggling into existence amid the wreck that seemed to strew the disturbed chambers of my brain, came the prayer of an old saint, which, in years gone by, had fixed itself permanently in some vacant niche of my mind:-- "Great God!

I ask Thee for no meaner pelf, Than that I may not disappoint myself, That in my actions I may soar as high As I can now discern with this clear eye;

And next in value what Thy kindness lends, That I may greatly disappoint my friends, Howe'er they think or hope that it might be, They may not dream how Thou'st distinguished me;

That my weak hand may equal my firm faith, And my life practise more than my tongue saith;

That my low conduct may not show, Nor my relenting lines, That I Thy purpose did not know, Or overrated Thy designs."

Time alone will show whether the project I formed under the new influences which were now controlling me, will ever be realised.

* * * * * There is one point which I have in common with Archimedes,--my most brilliant inspirations very often come to me in my tub, or while I am dressing.

On the morning following the scene above described, I trusted to this moment to furnish me with an idea which should enable me to put my plan into operation, but I sought in vain.

In the first place, though I assumed in the presence of Lady Broadhem a thorough knowledge of the peculiar description of the transaction in which she was engaged, I feel bound not to conceal from my readers that I have made it a rule through life to confine my knowledge of business strictly to theory, and though I am as thoroughly conversant with the terms of the Stock Exchange as with the language of the swell mob, I avoid, in ordinary life, making use either of one or the other.

Hence I have always treated debentures, stock, scrip, coupons, and all the jargon connected with such money-making and money-losing contrivances, as pertaining to the abstract science of finance; nor do I ever desire to know anything of them practically, feeling assured that the information thus acquired is of a character calculated to exercise an injurious influence upon the moral nature.

I do not for a moment wish to reflect upon those honest individuals who devote their whole lives to the acquisition of money and nothing else.

Had one of my own ancestors not done so, I should not now be the millionaire I am, and able to write thus of the pursuit of wealth.

But let no man tell me that the supreme indifference to it which I entertain, does not place me upon a higher platform than a gold-hunter can possibly aspire to.

When, therefore, I looked forward to an interview with the Honourable Spiffington Goldtip, I felt that I incurred a very serious responsibility.

Not being versed in the Capel Court standard of morality, or being in the habit of treading those delicate lines upon which Spiffy had learnt to balance himself so gracefully, I might, instead of doing him good, be the means of encouraging him in that pecuniary scramble which enabled him to gain a precarious livelihood.

"After all," I thought, "why not hover about the City with one's hands full of gold, as one used to after dinner at Greenwich, when showers of copper delighted the ragged crowd beneath, and have the fun of seeing all the mud-larking Spiffys, fashionable and snobbish, scrambling in wild confusion, and rolling fraternally over each other in the dirt?

If I can't convert them, if I must be 'done' by them, I will 'do' to them as I would be 'done' by; and rather than leave them to perish, will adopt an extreme measure, and keep on suffocating them with the mud they delight to revel in, till they cry aloud for help.

What a pleasure it would be to wash Spiffy all over afterwards, and start him fresh and sweet in a new line of life!"

As I said before, I was in my tub myself as I made this appropriate reflection; then my thoughts involuntarily reverted to Chundango.

When I had threatened Lady Broadhem with the mercenary spirit of that distinguished Oriental, I inwardly doubted whether, indeed, it were possible for her to propose any pecuniary sacrifice which he was not prepared to make, in order to gain the social prize upon which he had set his heart; and I dreaded lest I should have driven her in despair to have recourse to this "dark" alternative,--whether, in order to save the Broadhem family from ruin and disgrace--for I suspected that the papers I had carried away contained evidence that the one was as possible as the other--Ursula would accede to the pressure of the family generally, and of her mother in particular, whose wish none of her children had ever dared to thwart, was a consideration which caused me acute anxiety.

I must prepare myself shortly for a conversation on the subject with Grandon.

What should I say to him?

Granting that the means occasionally justify the end, which I do not admit, what would be the use of making a false statement either in the sense that I was, or that I was not, going to marry Ursula?

If I said I was, he would think me a traitor and her a jilt; if I said I was not, I must go on and tell him that the family would be ruined and disgraced, or that she must marry Chundango to save it.

He would obtain comfort neither way.

He had evidently not seen the Broadhems, and was therefore sure now to be in blissful ignorance that anything has happened at all.

Better leave him so.

If he is convinced that Ursula loves him, he would never dream of her accepting me.

Even had our acquaintance been longer than it was, before I was so mad as to think of proposing to her, the best thing I can do is certainly to hold my tongue; but then, I thought, how will he account for my reserve?

what can he think except that it arises from an unworthy motive?

--and I brushed my hair viciously.

At that instant I heard a thump at the door, and before I could answer, in walked the subject of my meditation.

"Well, my dear old fellow," said Grandon, as he grasped my hand warmly, "how mysterious and spasmodic you have been in your movements!

I was afraid even now, if I had not invaded the sanctity of your dressing-room, that you would have slipped through my fingers.

I know you have a great deal to tell me, of interest to us both, and we are too fast friends to hesitate to confide in each other on any matters which affect our happiness.

True men never have any reticence as between themselves; they only have recourse to that armour when they happen to be cursed with false friends."

I cannot describe my feelings during this speech.

How on earth was I to avoid reticence?

how show him that I loved and trusted him when I had just been elaborately devising a speech which should tell him nothing?

and I thought of our school and then our college days--how I never seemed to be like other boys or other men of my own age--and how when nobody understood me Grandon did, and how when nobody defended my peculiarities Grandon did--how he protected and advised me at first out of sheer compassion, until at last I had become as a younger brother to him.

How distressed he was when I gave up diplomacy, and how anxious during the five years that I was exploring in the Far West and gold-digging in Australia!

and how nothing but his letters ever induced me to leave the wild reckless life that possessed such a wonderful charm for me; and how he bore with my wilfulness and vanity--for the faults of my character at such moments would become painfully apparent to me; and how now I was going to return it all, by allowing him to suppose that I had deliberately plotted against his happiness, and ruthlessly sapped the solid foundations upon which our life's friendship had been built.

He saw these painful thoughts reflected but too accurately upon my face, for he had been accustomed to read it for so many years, and he smiled a look of encouragement and kindliness.

"Come," he said, "I will tell you exactly, first, everything I suspect, and then everything I know, and then what I think about it, so that you will have as little of the labour of revelation as possible.

First of all, I suspect that you imagine that I had proposed to Lady Ursula Newlyte before we met the other day at Dickiefield: I need not say that in that case I should have told you as much upon the evening we parted; I pledge you my word I have never uttered a syllable to Lady Ursula from which she could suspect the state of my feelings towards her, and she has never given me any indication that she returned my affection; I therefore did not mention myself when you told me your intention of proposing to her at Dickiefield; I only do so now in consequence of a letter which I received from Lady Broadhem last night."

"A letter from Lady Broadhem?"

said I, aghast.

"Yes," he said, "in which she encloses a copy of one of yours containing a proposal to Lady Ursula, and informs me that you were aware, when you made it, of the difficulties you might have to encounter through me.

She goes on to say that, whatever may have been her daughter's feelings towards me at one time, they have completely changed, as she at once accepted you; and she winds up with the rather unnecessary remark that this is the less to be regretted by me, as under no circumstances would I have obtained either her consent or that of Lord Broadhem.

And so," my poor friend went on, but his lips were quivering, and I turned away my eyes to avoid seeing the effort it cost him--"and so, you see, my dear Frank, it is all for the best.

In the first place, she never loved me.

I

have too high an opinion of her to suppose that if she had, she would have accepted you; in the second, she would never have married me against her mother's consent--and so, even if she had loved me, we should have both been miserable; and thirdly, if there is one thing that could console me under such a blow, it is, that the man she loves, and the family approve, is my dear old friend, who is far more worthy the happiness in store for him than I should have been."

He put his hand kindly on my shoulder as his strong voice shook with the force of his suppressed emotion, and I bowed my head.

I felt utterly humiliated by a magnanimity so noble, and by a tenderness surpassing that of women.

I

thanked God at that moment that Lady Ursula did _not_ love me, and I vowed that Lady Broadhem should bitterly expiate her sins against us both.

Here, then, was the secret of her refusing to acknowledge that she had stolen my missing letter at Dickiefield, and this was the precious use she had made of it.

The question now was, What was to be done?

But my mind was paralysed--all its strength seemed expended in vowing vengeance against Lady Broadhem.

When I tried to form a sentence of explanation to Grandon, my brain refused its functions; I felt as if I were in a net, and that the slightest movement on my part would entangle me more inextricably in its meshes.

The last resolution I had come to before he entered the room was on no account to tell him anything, and this resolution had now become an _idee fixe_.

I had not clearness of mind at the moment to decide whether it was right or wrong.

I felt that when my head was clear I had come to the conclusion that it was best, so I stuck to it now.

True, it involved leaving him in the delusion that Ursula and I were engaged--but was it altogether certain to remain a delusion?

Did Lady Ursula really care for him?

I had only Lady Broadhem's word for it.

Again, had I anything better to give him?

would it be a comfort to him to hear the Chundango alternative?

These in a confused way were the thoughts which flitted across my brain in this moment of doubt and difficulty, so I said nothing.

He misinterpreted my silence, and thought me overwhelmed with remorse at the part I had played.

"Believe me," he said, "I do not think one particle the worse of you for what you have done; I know how difficult it is to control one's feelings in moments of passion; and you see you were quite right not to believe Lady Broadhem when she told you Ursula cared for me."

"I had already written the letter," I stammered out.

"Of course you had: I never supposed you could do the dishonourable thing of hearing she cared about me first, and writing to her afterwards, although Lady Broadhem said so.

When you did make the discovery that Lady Ursula's affections were not already engaged, you were perfectly right to win her if you could.

I only bargain that you ask me to be your best man."

This was a well-meant but such a very unsuccessful attempt at resignation on Grandon's part, that it touched me to the quick.

"My dear Grandon," I said--and I saw my face in the glass opposite, looking white and stony with the effort it cost me not to fall upon his neck and cry like a woman--"I solemnly swear, whatever you may think now, that the day will come when you will find that I was worthy the privilege of having been even your friend.

I was going to say, Till then, believe me and trust me; but I need not, for I know that, however unnatural it seems for me to ask you not to allude again to the subject we have just been discussing, you will be satisfied that I would not ask it without having a reason which if you knew you would approve.

On my conscience I believe that I am right in reserving from you my full confidence for the first time in my life; but do not let the fact of one forbidden topic alienate us--let it rather act as another link, hidden for the moment, but which may some day prove the most powerful to bind us together."

Grandon's face lit up with a bright frank smile.

"I trust and believe in you from the bottom of my soul, and you shall bury any subject you like till it suits you to exhume it.

Come, we will go to breakfast, and I will discourse to you on the political and military expediency of spending L200,000 on the fortifications of Quebec."

"Well," thought I, as I followed Grandon down-stairs, "for a man who is yearning to be honest, and to do the right thing by everybody, I have got into as elaborate a complication of lies as if I were a Russian diplomatist.

First, I have given both Lady Broadhem and Grandon distinctly to understand that I am at this moment engaged to Ursula, which I am not; and secondly, I have solemnly assured that young lady herself that I am conscious of being occasionally mad."

In this tissue of falsehoods, it is poor consolation to think that the only one in which there may be some foundation of truth is the last.

Supposing I was to go in for dishonesty, perhaps I could not help telling the truth by the rule of "contraries."

I will go and ask the Honourable Spiffington whether he finds this to be the case, and I parted from Grandon in the hope of catching that gentleman before he had betaken himself to his civic haunts.

I was too late, and pursued him east of Temple Bar.

Here he frequented sundry "board-rooms" of companies which by a figure of speech he helped to "direct," and was also to be found in the neighbourhood of Hercules Passage and the narrow streets which surround the Stock Exchange, in the little back dens of pet brokers upon whom he relied for "good things."

Spiffy used to collect political news in fashionable circles all through the night and up to an early hour of the morning, and then come into the City with it red-hot, so as to "operate."

He was one of the most lively little rabbits to be found in all that big warren of which the Bank is the centre, and popped in and out of the different holes with a quickness that made him very difficult to catch.

At last I ran him to a very dingy earth, where he was pausing, seated on a green baize table over a glass of sherry and a biscuit, and chaffing a rising young broker who hoped ultimately to be proposed by Spiffy for the Piccadilly Club.

He was trying to establish a claim thereto now, on the strength of having been at Mrs Gorgon Tompkins's ball on the previous evening.

"It is rather against you than otherwise," said Spiffy, who was an extremely off-hand little fellow, and did not interrupt his discourse after he had nodded to me familiarly; "I can't afford to take you up yet; indeed, what have you ever done to merit it?

and Mrs Gorgon Tompkins has enough to do this season to keep her own head above water without attempting to float you.

I did what I could for her last night, but she can't expect to go on with her successes of last year.

We had a regular scene at 6 A. M.

this morning, 'in banquet halls deserted'--tears, and all that sort of thing--nobody present but self, Gorgon, and partner.

We took our last year's list, and compared them with the invitations sent out this year.

The results were painful; only the fag-end of the diplomatic corps had responded--none of the great European powers present, and our own Cabinet most slenderly represented.

Obliged to resort for young men to the byways and hedges; no expense spared, and yet the whole affair a miserable failure."

"Have you tried lobsters boiled in champagne at supper, as a draw?"

said I.

"No," said Spiffy, looking at me with admiration; "I did not know this sort of thing was in your line, Frank."

He had not the least right to call me Frank; but as everybody, whether they knew him or not, called him Spiffy, he always anticipated this description of familiarity.

"To tell you the truth, I could pull the Tompkinses through another season, but I am keeping all my best ideas for the Bodwinkles.

Bodwinkles' first ball is to cost L2000.

He wanted me to do it for L1500, and I should have been able to do it for that if Mrs Bodwinkle had had any _h_'s; but the _creme, de la creme_ require an absence of aspirations to be made up to them somehow.

Oh, with the extra L500 I can do it easily," said Spiffy, with an air of self-complacency.

"She is a comparatively young woman, you see, without daughters; that simplifies matters very much.

And then Bodwinkle can be so much more useful to political men than Gorgon Tompkins; the only fear is that he may commit himself at a late hour at the supper-table, but I have hit on a notion which will overcome all these possible _contretemps_."

"What is that?"

said I, curiously.

"In confidence, I don't mind telling you, as you are not in the line yourself; but it is a master-stroke of genius.

Like all great ideas, its merit lies in its simplicity."

"Don't keep us any longer in suspense; I promise not to appropriate it."

"Well," said Spiffy, triumphantly, "I am going to _pay_ the aristocracy to come!"

"Pay them!"

said I, really astounded; "how on earth are you going to get them to take the money?"

"Ah, that is the secret.

Wait till the Bodwinkles' ball.

You will see how delicately I shall contrive it; a great deal more neatly than you do when you leave your doctor's fee mysteriously wrapped in paper upon his mantelpiece.

I shall no more hurt that high sense of honour, and that utter absence of anything like snobbism which characterises the best London Society, than a French cook would offend the nostrils of his guests with an overpowering odour of garlic; but it is a really grand idea."

"Worthy of Julius Caesar, Charlemagne, or the first Napoleon," said I;

"posterity will recognise you as a social giant with a mission, if the small men and the envious of the present day refuse to do so."

"I don't mind telling you," Spiffy went on, "that the idea first occurred to me in a Scotch donkey-circus, where I won, as a prize for entering the show, a red plush waistcoat worth five shillings.

The fact is, Bodwinkle is so anxious to get people, he would go to any expense;

he has even offered me a commission on all the accepted invitations I send out for him, graduated on a scale proportioned to the rank of the acceptor.

I am afraid it would not be considered quite the right thing to take it; what do you think?"

"I doubt whether society would stand that.

You must bring them to it gradually.

At present, I feel sure they would draw the line at a 'commission.'

Apropos of the Bodwinkles, I want to have a little private conversation with you."

"I am awfully done," said Spiffy.

"I never went to bed at all last night.

I got some information about Turkish certificates before I went to the Tompkinses; then I stayed there till past six, and had to come on here at ten to turn what I knew to account.

However, go ahead; what is it in?

Jones here will do it for you.

No need of mystery between us.

'Cosmopolitan district' is the sort of thing I can conscientiously recommend--I'll tell you why: I went down to the lobby of the House last night on purpose to hear what the fellows were saying who prowl about there pushing what my wretched tailor would call 'a little bill' through Committee.

It is becoming a sort of 'ring,' and the favourites last night were light Cosmopolitans."

"What on earth are they as distinguished from heavy?"

I asked.

"Jones, show his lordship the stock-list," said Spiffy, with a swagger.

The investigation of the "list" completely bewildered me.

Why a L10 share should be worth L19, and a L100 share worth L99, 10s.

, in the same company, was not evident on the face of the document before me, so I looked into Spiffy's. "Puzzling, isn't it?"

said Spiffy.

"Very," I replied.

"Now tell me," and I turned innocently towards Mr Jones, for Spiffy's expression was secretive and mysterious--"explain to me how it is that a share upon which only L10 has been paid, should be so much more valuable than one which has been fully paid up."

"Ask the syndicate," said Jones, looking at Spiffy in a significant way.

I felt quite startled, for I expected to see a group of foreigners composing this institution walk into the room.

It was not until I had looked again to Spiffy for information, and was met by the single open eye of that gentleman, that I drew an inference and a very long breath.

"Spiffy," I said, "I am getting stifled--the moral atmosphere of this place is tainted; take me to the sweetest board-room in the neighbourhood--I want to speak to you on private business."

"Haven't time," said Spiffy, looking at his watch.

"Not to settle little Lady Broadhem's little affair?"

said I, in a whisper.

Spiffy got uncommonly pale, but recovered himself in a second.

"All right, old fellow;" and he poured a few hurried words in an incomprehensible dialect into Jones's ear, and led the way to the Suburban Washing-ground Company's board-room, which was the most minute apartment of the kind I had ever seen.

I shall not enter into the particulars of what passed between Spiffy and myself on this occasion.

In the first place, it is so dry that it would bore you; in the second place, it was so complicated, and Spiffy's explanations seemed to complicate it so much the more, that I could not make it clear to you if I wished; and, in the last, I do not feel justified in divulging all Lady Broadhem's money difficulties and private crises.

Suffice it to say, that in the course of our conversation Spiffy was obliged to confide to me many curious facts connected with his own line of life, and more especially with the peculiar functions which he exercised in his capacity of a "syndic," under the seal of solemn secrecy.

Without the hold over him which this little insight into his transactions has given me, I should not be able to report so much of our conversation as I have.

Nevertheless I thought it right to tell him how much of it he would shortly see in print.

"Gracious, Frank," said Spiffy, petrified with alarm, "you don't mean to say you are going to publish all I told you about the Gorgon Tompkinses and the Bodwinkles?

How am I ever to keep them going if you do?

Besides, there are a number of other fellows in the same line as I am.

Just conceive the injury you will inflict upon society generally--nobody will thank you.

The rich 'middles' who are looking forward to this kind of advancement will be furious; all of us 'promoters' will hate you, and '_la haute_' will probably cut you.

Why can't you keep quiet, instead of trying to get yourself and everybody else into hot water?"

"Spiffy," said I, solemnly, "when I devoted myself to 'mission work,' as they call it in Exeter Hall, I counted the cost, as you will see on referring back to my first chapter.

I am still only at the beginning.

I

have a long and heavy task before me; but my only excuse for remaining in society is that I am labouring for its regeneration."

"You won't remain in it long," said Spiffy, "if you carry on in your present line.

What do you want to do?

Eradicate snobbism from the British breast?

--never!

We should all, from the highest to the lowest, perish of inanition without it."

"Society," said I, becoming metaphorical, "is like a fluid which is pervaded by that ingredient which you call 'snobbism,' the peculiarity of which is that you find it in equal perfection when it sinks to the bottom and becomes dregs, and when it rises to the surface and becomes _creme_--though of course it undergoes some curious chemical changes, according to its position.

However, that is only one of the elements which pollute what should be a transparent fluid.

I am subjecting it just now to a most minute and careful analysis, and I feel sure I shall succeed in obtaining an interesting 'precipitate.'

I do most earnestly trust both you and the world at large will profit by my experiments."

"Frank, you are a lunatic," said Spiffy, with a yawn, for I was beginning to bore him.

"I suppose I can't help your publishing what you like, only you will do yourself more harm than me.

Let me know when society has 'precipitated' you out of it, and I will come and see you.

Nobody else will.

Good-bye!"

"He calls me a lunatic," I murmured, as I went down-stairs; "I thought that I should be most likely to hear the truth by applying to the Honourable Spiffington."

The same reasons which have compelled me to maintain a certain reserve in relating my conversation with this gentleman prevent me fully describing the steps which I am at present taking to arrange Lady Broadhem's affairs, and which will occupy me during the Easter recess.

Now, thank goodness, I think I see my way to preventing the grand crash which she feared, but I decline to state the amount of my own fortune which will be sacrificed in the operation.

The great inconvenience of the whole proceeding is the secrecy which it necessarily involves.

Grandon is under the impression that I am gambling on the Stock Exchange, and is miserable in consequence, because he fancies I add to that sin the more serious one of denying it.

Lady Ursula, whom I have avoided seeing alone, but who knows that I am constantly plotting in secret with her mother, is no doubt beginning to think that I am wicked as well as mad, and is evidently divided between the secret obligation of keeping the secret of my insanity, and her dread lest in some way or other her mother should be the victim of it.

Lady Bridget is unmistakably afraid of me.

The other day when I went into the drawing-room and found her alone, she turned as pale as a sheet, jumped up, and stammered out something about going to find mamma, and rushed out of the room.

Did I not believe in Ursula as in my own existence, I could almost fancy she had betrayed me.

Then there is Broadhem.

He is utterly puzzled.

He knows that I am come to pull the family out of the mess, and put his own cherished little person into a financially sound condition; and he is equally well assured that I would not make this sacrifice without feeling certain of marrying his sister.

But, in the first place, that any man should sacrifice anything, either for his sister or any other woman, is a mystery to Broadhem; and, in the second, I strongly suspect that Ursula has said something which makes him very doubtful whether she is engaged to me or not.

Poor girl!

I feel for her.

Was ever a daughter and sister before placed in the embarrassing position of leaving her own mother and brother in the delusion that she was engaged to be married to a man who had never breathed to her the subject of his love, much less of matrimony?

Then Spiffy and Lady Broadhem's lawyer both look upon the marriage as settled: how else can they account for the trouble I am taking, and the liberality I am displaying?

There is something mysterious, moreover, in the terms upon which I am in the house.

Lady Broadhem is beginning to think it unnatural that I should not care to see more of Ursula; and whenever she is not quite absorbed with considering her own affairs, is making the arrangement known among mammas by the expression, "bringing the young people together"--as if any young people who really cared to be together, could not bring themselves together without mamma or anybody else interfering.

Fortunately Lady Broadhem is so much more taken up with her own speculations than with either her daughter's happiness or mine, that I am always able to give the conversation a City turn when she broaches the delicate subject of Ursula.

How Ursula manages on these occasions I cannot conceive, but I do my best to prevent Lady Broadhem talking about me to her, as I always say mysteriously, that if she does, "it will spoil everything"--an alarming phrase, which produces an immediate effect.

Still it is quite clear that this kind of thing can't continue long.

If I can only keep matters going for a few days more, they will all be out of town for Easter, and that will give me time to breathe.

As it is, it is impossible to shut my eyes to the fact, that my best friend is beginning to doubt me--that the girl I love dreads me--and that the rest of the family, and those sufficiently connected with it to observe my proceedings, either pity, laugh at, or despise me.

This, however, by no means prevents their using their utmost endeavours to ruin me.

That is the present state of matters.

The situation cannot remain unchanged during the next four weeks.

Have I your sympathies, dear reader?

Do you wish me well out of it?

PART IV. THE WORLD.