Glugs of Gosh — Chapters 7-8

VII. THE SWANKS OF GOSH

Come mourn with me for the land of Gosh, Oh, weep with me for the luckless Glugs Of the land of Gosh, where the sad seas wash The patient shores, and the great King Splosh His sodden sorrow hugs;

Where the fair Queen Tush weeps all the day, And the Swank, the Swank, the naughty Swank, The haughty Swank holds sway-- The most mendacious, ostentatious, Spacious Swank holds sway.

'Tis sorrow-swathed, as I know full well, And garbed in gloom and the weeds of woe, And vague, so far, is the tale I tell;

But bear with me for the briefest spell, And surely shall ye know Of the land of Gosh, and Tush, and Splosh, And Stodge, the Swank, the foolish Swank, The mulish Swank of Gosh- The meretricious, avaricious, Vicious Swank of Gosh.

Oh, the tall trees bend, and green trees send A chuckle round the earth, And the soft winds croon a jeering tune, And the harsh winds shriek with mirth, And the wee small birds chirp ribald words When the Swank walks down the street;

But every Glug takes off his hat, And whispers humbly, "Look at that!

Hats off!

Hats off to the Glug of rank!

Sir Stodge, the Swank, the Lord High Swank!"

Then the East wind roars a loud guffaw, And the haughty Swank says, "Haw!"

His brain is dull, and his mind is dense, And his lack of saving wit complete;

But most amazingly immense Is his inane self-confidence And his innate conceit.

But every Glug, and great King Splosh Bowed to Sir Stodge, the fuddled Swank, The muddled Swank of Gosh-- The engineering, peeping, peering, Sneering Swank of Gosh.

In Gosh, sad Gosh, where the Lord Swank lives, He holds high rank, and he has much pelf;

And all the well-paid posts he gives Unto his fawning relatives, As foolish as himself.

In offices and courts and boards Are Swanks, and Swanks, ten dozen Swanks, And cousin Swanks in hordes-- Inept and musty, dry and dusty, Rusty Swanks in hordes.

The clouds so soft, that sail aloft, Weep laughing tears of rain;

The blue sky spread high overhead Peeps thro' in mild disdain.

All nature laughs and jeers and chaffs When the Swank goes out to walk;

But every Glug bows low his head, And says in tones surcharged with dread, "Bow low, bow low, Glugs lean, Glugs fat!"

But the North wind snatches off his hat, And flings it high, and shrieks to see His ruffled dignity.

They lurk in every Gov'ment lair, 'Mid docket dull and dusty file, Solemnly squat in an easy chair, Penning a minute of rare hot air In departmental style.

In every office, on every floor Are Swanks, and Swanks, distracting Swanks, And Acting-Swanks a score, And coldly distant, sub-assistant Under-Swanks galore.

In peaceful days when the countryside Poured wealth to Gosh, and the skies were blue, The great King Splosh no fault espied, And seemed entirely satisfied With Swanks who muddled thro'.

But when they fell on seasons bad, Oh, then the Swanks, the bustled Swanks, The hustled Swanks went mad-- The minute-writing, nation-blighting, Skiting Swanks went mad.

The tall trees sway like boys at play, And mock him when he grieves, As one by one, in laughing fun, They pelt him with their leaves.

And the gay green trees joke to the breeze, As the Swank struts proudly by;

But every Glug, with reverence, Pays homage to his pride immense-- A homage deep to lofty rank-- The Swank!

The Swank!

The pompous Swank!

But the wind-borne leaves await their chance And round him gaily dance.

Now, trouble came to the land of Gosh: The fear of battle, and anxious days;

And the Swanks were called to the great King Splosh, Who said that their system would not wash, And ordered other ways.

Then the Lord High Swank stretched forth a paw, And penned a minute re the law, And the Swanks, the Swanks, the other Swanks, The brother Swanks said, "Haw!"

These keen, resourceful, unremorseful, Forceful Swanks said, "Haw!"

Then Splosh, the king, in a royal rage, He smote his throne as he thundered, "Bosh!

In the whole wide land is there not one sage With a cool, clear brain, who'll straight engage To sweep the Swanks from Gosh?"

But the Lord High Stodge, from where he stood, Cried, "Barley!

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Guard your livelihood!"

And, quick as light, the teeming Swanks, The scheming Swanks touched wood.

Sages, plainly, labour vainly When the Swanks touch wood.

The stealthy cats that grace the mats Before the doors of Gosh, Smile wide with scorn each sunny morn;

And, as they take their wash, A sly grimace o'erspreads each face As the Swank struts forth to court.

But every Glug casts down his eyes, And mutters, "Ain't 'is 'at a size!

For such a sight our gods we thank.

Sir Stodge, the Swank!

The noble Swank!"

But the West wind tweaks his nose in sport;

And the Swank struts into court.

Then roared the King with a rage intense, "Oh, who can cope with their magic tricks?"

But the Lord High Swank skipped nimbly hence, And hid him safe behind the fence Of Regulation VI.

And under Section Four Eight 0 The Swanks, the Swanks, dim forms of Swanks, The swarms of Swanks lay low-- These most tenacious, perspicacious, Spacious Swanks lay low.

Cried the King of Gosh, "They shall not escape!

Am I set at naught by a crazed buffoon?"

But in fifty fathoms of thin red tape The Lord Swank swaddled his portly shape, Like a large, insane cocoon.

Then round and round and round and round.

The Swanks, the Swanks, the whirling Swanks, The twirling Swanks they wound-- The swathed and swaddled, molly-coddled Swanks inanely wound.

Each insect thing that comes in Spring To gladden this sad earth, It flits and whirls and pipes and skirls, It chirps in mocking mirth A merry song the whole day long To see the Swank abroad.

But every Glug, whoe'er he be, Salutes, with grave humility And deference to noble rank, The Swank, the Swank, the swollen Swank;

But the South wind blows his clothes awry, And flings dust in his eye.

So trouble stayed in the land of Gosh;

And the futile Glugs could only gape, While the Lord High Swank still ruled King Splosh With laws of blither and rules of bosh, From out his lair of tape.

And in cocoons that mocked the Glug The Swanks, the Swanks, the under-Swanks, The dunder Swanks lay snug.

These most politic, parasitic, Critic Swanks lay snug.

Then mourn with me for a luckless land, Oh, weep with me for the slaves of tape!

Where the Lord High Swank still held command, And wrote new rules in a fair round hand, And the Glugs saw no escape;

Where tape entwined all Gluggish things, And the Swank, the Swank, the grievous Swank, The devious Swank pulled strings-- The perspicacious, contumacious Swank held all the strings.

The blooms that grow, and, in a row, Peep o'er each garden fence, They nod and smile to note his style Of ponderous pretence;

Each roving bee has fits of glee When the Swank goes by that way.

But every Glug, he makes his bow, And says, "Just watch him!

Watch him now!

He must have thousands in the bank!

The Swank!

The Swank!

The holy Swank!"

But the wild winds snatch his kerchief out, And buffet him about.

VIII. THE SEER

Somewhere or other, 'tis doubtful where, In the archives of Gosh is a volume rare, A precious old classic that nobody reads, And nobody asks for, and nobody heeds;

Which makes it a classic, and famed thro' the land, As well-informed persons will quite understand.

'Tis a ponderous work, and 'tis written in prose, For some mystical reason that nobody knows;

And it tells in a style that is terse and correct Of the rule of the Swanks and its baneful effect On the commerce of Gosh, on its morals and trade;

And it quotes a grave prophecy somebody made.

And this is the prophecy, written right bold On a parchment all tattered and yellow and old;

So old and so tattered that nobody knows How far into foretime its origin goes.

But this is the writing that set Glugs agog When 'twas called to their minds by the Mayor of Quog: When Gosh groaneth bastlie thro Greed and bys plannes Ye rimer shall mende ye who mendes pottes and pans.

Now, the Mayor of Quog, a small suburb of Gosh, Was intensely annoyed at the act of King Splosh In asking the Mayor of Piphel to tea With himself and the Queen on a Thursday at three;

When the King must have known that the sorriest dog, If a native of Piphel, was hated in Quog.

An act without precedent!

Quog was ignored!

The Mayor and Council and Charity Board, They met and considered this insult to Quog;

And they said, " 'Tis the work of the treacherous Og!

'Tis plain the Og influence threatens the Throne;

And the Swanks are all crazed with this trading in stone."

Said the Mayor of Quog: "This has long been foretold In a prophecy penned by the Seer of old.

We must search, if we'd banish the curse of our time, For a mender of pots who's a maker of rhyme.

'Tis to him we must look when our luck goes amiss.

But, Oh, where in all Gosh is a Glug such as this?"

Then the Mayor and Council and Charity Board O'er the archival prophecy zealously pored, With a pursing of lips and a shaking of heads, With a searching and prying for possible threads That would lead to discover this versatile Glug Who modelled a rhyme while he mended a mug.

With a pursing of lips and a shaking of heads, They gave up the task and went home to their beds, Where each lay awake while he tortured his brain For a key to the riddle, but ever in vain .

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Then, lo, at the Mayor's front door in the morn A tinker called out, and a Movement was born.

"Kettles and pans!

Kettles and pans!

Oh, the stars are the gods'; but the earth, it is man's. But a fool is the man who has wants without end, While the tinker's content with a kettle to mend.

For a tinker owns naught but the earth, which is man's. Then, bring out your kettles!

Ho, kettles and pans!"

From the mayoral bed with unmayoral cries The magistrate sprang ere he'd opened his eyes.

"Hold him!"

he yelled, as he bounced on the floor.

"Oh, who is this tinker that rhymes at my door?

Go get me the name and the title of him 1" They answered.

"Be calm, sir.

'Tis no one but Sym.

'Tis Sym, the mad tinker, the son of old Joi, Who ran from his home when a bit of a boy.

He went for a tramp, tho' 'tis common belief, When folk were not looking he went for a thief;

Then went for a tinker, and rhymes as he goes.

Some say he's crazy, but nobody knows."

'Twas thus it began, the exalting of Sym, And the mad Gluggish struggle that raged around him.

For the good Mayor seized him, and clothed him in silk, And fed him on pumpkins and pasteurised milk, And praised him in public, and coupled his name With Gosh's vague prophet of archival fame.

The Press interviewed him a great many times, And printed his portrait, and published his rhymes;

Till the King and Sir Stodge and the Swanks grew afraid Of his fame 'mid the Glugs and the trouble it made.

For, wherever Sym went in the city of Gosh, There were cheers for the tinker, and hoots for King Splosh.

His goings and comings were watched for and cheered;

And a crowd quickly gathered where'er he appeared.

All the folk flocked around him and shouted his praise;

For the Glugs followed fashion, and Sym was a craze.

They sued him for words, which they greeted with cheers, For the way with a Glug is to tickle his ears.

"0, speak to us, Tinker!

Your wisdom we crave!"

They'd cry when they saw him; then Sym would look grave, And remark, with an air, "'Tis a very fine day."

"Now ain't he a marvel?"

they'd shout.

"Hip, Hooray!"

"To live," would Sym answer, "To live is to feel!"

"And ain't he a poet?"

a fat Glug would squeal.

Sym had a quaint fancy in phrase and in text;

When he'd fed them with one they would howl for the next.

Thus he'd cry, "Love is love 1" and the welkin they'd lift With their shouts of surprise at his wonderful gift.

He would say "After life, then a Glug must meet death!"

And they'd clamour for more ere he took the next breath.

But Sym grew aweary of this sort of praise, And he longed to be back with his out-o'-door days, With his feet in the grass and his back to a tree, Rhyming and tinkering, fameless and free.

He said so one day to the Mayor of Quog, And declared he'd as lief live the life of a dog.

But the Mayor was vexed; for the Movement had grown, And his dreams had of late soared as high as a throne.

"Have a care!

What is written is written," said he.

"And the dullest Glug knows what is written must be.

'Tis the prophet of Gosh who has prophesied it;

And 'tis thus that 'tis written by him who so writ: "'Lo, the Tinker of Gosh he shall make him three rhymes: One on the errors and aims of his times, One on the symptoms of sin that he sees, And the third and the last on whatever he please.

And when the Glugs hear them and mark what they mean The land shall be purged and the nation made clean."

' So Sym gave a promise to write then and there Three rhymes to be read in the Great Market Square To all Glugs assembled on Saturday week.

"And then," said the Mayor, "if still you must seek To return to your tramping, well, just have your fling;

But I'll make you a marquis, or any old thing .

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Said Sym, "I shall tinker, and still be a king."