Wit and Humor of America, Vol 08 — Niagara be Dammed
BY WALLACE IRWIN
"Them beauties o' Nature," said Senator Grabb, As he spat on the floor of Justitia's halls, "Is pretty enough and artistic enough-- Referrin', of course, to Niagara Falls, Whose waters go rumblin' and mumblin' and grumblin' And tearin' and stumblin' and bumblin' and tumblin' And foamin' and roarin' And plungin' and pourin' And wastin' the waters God gave to us creechers To wash down our liquor and wash up our feechers-- Then what in the deuce Is the swish-bingled use O' keepin' them noisy old cataracts busy To give folks a headache and make people dizzy?
"Some poets and children and cripples and fools They say that them Falls is eternal.
That so?
Say, what is Eternity, Nature, and God Compared to the Inter-Graft Gaslighting Co.?
Could all the durn waterfalls born in creation Compete with a sugar or soap corporation?
But Nature, you feel, Has a voice in the deal?
She ain't. For I'm deaf both in that ear and this un-- If Nature talks Money I'm willin' to listen!
So bring on your dredges, And shovels and sledges, Yer bricklayers, masons, yer hammers and mauls-- The public be dammed while we dam up the Falls.
"Just look at the plans o' me beautiful dream!
A sewer-pipe conduit to carry the Falls Past eight hundred mill-wheels (great savin' of steam): The cliffs to be covered with dump heaps and walls, With many a smokestack and fly-wheel and pulley, Bridge, engine, and derrick--say, won't it look bully!
With, furnaces smokin', And stokers a-stokin' With factory children a-workin' like Scotches A-turnin' out chewing-gum, shoe-laces, watches, And kitchen utensils, And patent lead-pencils, And mission-oak furniture, pie-crust, and flannels-- Thus turnin' Niag' to legitimate channels.
"The province o' Beauty," said Senator Grabb, "Is bossed by us fellers that know what to do.
When Senator Copper hogs half of a State He builds an Art Palace on Fift' Avenoo.
What people believed in the dark Middle Ages Don't go in this chapter o' history's pages, And the worship of mountains And rivers and fountains Is sinful, idolatrous, dark superstition-- And likely to lose in a cash proposition.
Ere the good time is past Let's get busy and cast Our bread on the waterfall--it'll come back.
We'll first pass the Grabb Bill, and then pass the sack."
FOOTNOTES:
[7] From "At the Sign of the Dollar," by Wallace Irwin.
Copyright, 1905, by Fox, Duffield & Co. THE FORBEARANCE OF THE ADMIRAL[8]
