Mornings at Bow Street — Page 259-273

The magistrate ordered him to find bail to keep the peace towards his wife and all the king's subjects, and told him if his wife was indeed what he had represented her to be, he must seek some less violent mode of separation than the _knife_.

"WHERE SHALL I SLEEP?"

Henry Walters, a tailor, was brought up from St. Martin's watch-house, to answer the complaint of Mr. Thomas Thompson, who is a tailor too--that is to say, they are two tailors; Mr. Thompson, the master, and Mr. Walters, the man--or, to speak more proverbially, the _servant_.

Mr. Walters lodges on Mr. Thomas Thompson's premises, near Leicester-square, and at two o'clock in the morning, Mr. Thomas Thompson, being then fast asleep in bed with his wife, was awoke by some person on his side of the bed, leaning over him, and saying--"Be quiet;--can't you?"

At the same moment Mrs. Thompson screamed, and said, "Tom Thompson, there's a strange man in the room!"

--"What the devil do you want here?"

exclaimed Mr. Tom Thompson--valorously jumping out of bed, and seizing the strange man by the collar.

To which the strange man replied, by giving Mr. Tom Thompson a thump on the eye, and unseaming his shirt from top to bottom!

This was strange treatment in one's own bed-room!

But Mr. Tom Thompson kept his hold, Mrs. Thompson alarmed the lodgers, the lodgers called the watch, the watch came (with as much speed as they could,) and when they held their lanterns to the strange man's face--who should it be but this identical Mr. Walters!

He had not "a word to throw at a dog," as one of the witnesses shrewdly remarked; and therefore he was at once consigned to the care of the watchman, who _bundled_ him away to the watch-house.

Mr. Tom Thompson added, that his wife was so much alarmed at the circumstance, she was quite unable to attend this examination; but that she had told him she was awoke by some one squeezing her hand tenderly, and saying, as aforesaid, "Be quiet--can't you?"

Mr. Walters was now called upon for his defence.

But first it may be as well to say something of his person.

He was young--say five-and-twenty;

short in stature; by no means _fat_; parenthesis-legged; brush-cropped;

nutmeg complexion; unvaccinated; scarlet-trimmed eyes; an Ashantee nose;

and a mouth capacious enough to admit the biggest Battersea cabbage that ever was boiled-- "A combination and a form indeed, Where _everything_ did seem to set its seal, To give the world _assurance_ of a tailor!"

We have been thus particular in describing the person of Mr. Walters, in order to show that he had no business whatever to be meddling with Mrs. Thompson, or with any other lady.

And now for his defence:--"Please your worship, Sir," said he, "I have lodged in Mr. Thomas Thompson's house just one month next _Toosday_ week--I _think_ it's _Toosday_; but howsomever, that's neither here nor there.

I'm a young man from the country, your worship; a tailor _by trade_; and so is Mr. Thomas Thompson--only he's a _master_, and I'm a _man_!

(His worship smiled.

) Last night, your worship, Sir, I met a _foo_ friends, and when I went home I had a great deal of trouble to open the street door--("No doubt of it," observed his worship)--and somehow or other, when I got in, instead of getting into my own room, I got into the yard: it's a sort of timber-yard: and there I was, poking about among the timber, please your worship--I'm sure for a good long hour, and I couldn't find my road out of it for the life of me!

--and at last I found myself in Mr. Thomas Thompson's bed-room; but I'll be hanged if ever I touched his wife, or struck him; and I'll give you my honour that I did not go there intentionally."

His worship had no faith in the _honour_ of Mr. Walters, and he was ordered to find bail for the assault, in default whereof he was handed over to the gaoler.

BEEF VALOUR.

James Green, alias _Jemmy Green_, a short, squat, spherical-phizzed, poodle-pated, seedy subject--between a buck and a bumpkin, said to be the identical hero of the Moncriefian, Adelphian, Tom and Jerry-extinguishing, nondescript gallimaufry, yclep'd "_Jemmy Green_ in France;" and Launcelot Snodgrass, were brought up from the almost bottomless pit of St. Clement's watch-house, charged with sundry midnight disorders in an alamode beef-house; and also with an outrageous assault upon Edmund Speering, Esq.

, of New Inn, and divers other persons--subjects of our Sovereign Lord the King.

It appeared by the evidence of the said Edmund Speering, Esq.

, that as he was passing through Clare-court, between one and two o'clock in the morning, he heard a great row and uproar in Thomas's alamode beef-shop--the shrill voices of women in distress, and the hoarse clamour of numerous throats masculine.

Hearing this, he looked towards the said shop, and saw through the beef-besteamed windows and the salads three or four men, and as many women, in personal conflict with each other; and, like a true knight, he rushed into the midst of the affray, demanding of the distressed damsels whether or not they wished to be rid of their unmanly opponents?

They answered in a joint and corporate voice--"Oh!

yes, we do!"

Whereupon the said Edmund seized one fellow by the nape of the neck, and another by the waistband of his breeches, and with pith and power propelled them from the premises.

This accomplished, he turned to seize the others; when _Jemmy Green_, who appeared to be the most violent among them, seized the said Edmund by the collar, and strenuously endeavoured to floor him; but it would not do--Jemmy Green was out-done both in length and strength, and was compelled to give way before the superior pith of his adversary; and just as Jemmy was flung headlong from the door, Launcelot Gobbo--we beg his pardon, Launcelot Snodgrass, struck the conquering Edmund a blow on the back of his head with an umbrella, and laid him horizontally on the floor.

But Edmund rebounded to the perpendicular in an instant, and was preparing to renew the combat, when the watch came up, and Jemmy and Launcelot were both carried off to the watch-house as contemners of the public peace.

The magistrate asked how this disgraceful uproar began.

The landlady, and her barmaid, and Nicholas the waiter, all gave evidence on that part of the subject; and it appeared, by their account, that Jemmy Green, Launcelot Snodgrass, and two other gentlemen, came in late, and full of gin, and ate alamode beef in such quantities, that at length the spicery of the beef, the gin, and the beer, concocting together, produced a fume which got the better of what little sense they carried about them, and made them all agog for what "the Fancy" calls a "_spree_."

In this state they rushed into the privacy of the bar, upset the salads, insulted the mistress, milled the waiter, and demolished the barmaid's head gear.

It was at this juncture the above-mentioned Edmund came to their relief;

and the barmaid swore positively that Launcelot not only knocked down the said Edmund with his umbrella as aforesaid, but that he also "knocked her down up a-top of him," and how she got off again she did not know.

The accused were called upon for their defence; and Jemmy Green made the first essay; but, unfortunately for him, the fumes of the commingled gin and hot-spiced beef had not entirely evaporated--his brain seemed clogged with beefy vapour, notwithstanding the unctuous dews which distilled copiously from his forehead, and he found it impossible to make any defence at all.

So he was ordered to find bail for his appearance at the Sessions, and he waddled out of the office under the superintendence of the turnkey.

Launcelot then addressed himself to speak; and to the astonishment of all the witnesses, he smilingly denied--firstly, that he had ever been in the house at all; and secondly, that he ever in the whole course of his life carried an umbrella--_ergo_, he could neither have been there, nor could he have knocked the said Edmund down with an umbrella, as falsely alleged by Mary Mulready, the barmaid.

He admitted having witnessed the affair from the court; and that, though prudence "bade him budge, he budged not"--like his prototype, honest _Gobbo_, he scorned running with his heels, and so he remained looking on, till he was seized by a watchman and conveyed to durance.

In proof of this, he called a gentleman, his friend, who was present with him; and this gentleman said, "every word, what Mr. Launcelot Snodgrass speaks, is true as possible."

But this worthy witness, unluckily for Launcelot, admitted that he himself was very drunk at the time, and also that he had an umbrella in his hand;

and the magistrate--being of opinion that Launcelot might have _borrowed_ this umbrella for the purpose of knocking down the aforesaid Edmund Speering, believed all that the witnesses had said, and ordered Master Launcelot to find bail also.

Whereupon he was handed over to the turnkey, who instantly locked him up with his friend Jemmy Green.

JEMMY LENNAM AND THE JEW.

Mr. Nathan Nathan, a slender, shapely, shewily-clad Israelite--"a tall fellow of his hands," but having only "a younger brother's having in that ancient Jewish indispensable--a beard;" thereby seeming to signify that he was, as yet, scarcely arrived at years of discretion, was brought up among a squad[30] of disorderly Christians from Covent-garden watch-house, and charged with having created a disturbance in Drury-lane theatre on the preceding night; and also with having assaulted Jemmy Lennam--time out of mind, Old Drury's little-wigg'd, big, old watchman.

It appeared by the testimony of the aforesaid Jemmy Lennam, that after the performances were over, "and the company had well nigh all departed dacently to their beds," this Mr. Nathan Nathan came into the hall, "brim-full of the cratur, and _coming the gentleman_ over the folks, according to the present blackguard fashion;" that is to say, by manifesting a supreme contempt for the _genteel_, insulting the women and making as much noise as he could, just to show that he considered himself quite _at home_ anywhere and everywhere.

So much for generalities, as Jemmy Lennam said; and then for particularities, he pretended to be _mighty swate_ upon every modest woman that came out, obstructed the free passage of the company, mocked the servants when they called the coaches, put the said servants upon a wrong scent, and out-roared the loudest link-boys in bellowing "coach _on_-hired!"

Jemmy Lennam bore all this with a not-very-easily-suppressed indignation; and at last, when he could bear it no longer, he "just took a civil twist of the young gentleman's cravat," and handed him over to some of the patrol; but as he was doing this, he received "two hard strokes on the right cheek-bone from the fist of him."

This was the substance of Jemmy Lennam's charge, and the patrol bore him out in it as far as they were concerned in the matter.

Mr. Nathan Nathan, in his defence, declared upon his honour, that Jemmy Lennam was the first aggressor--by refusing to let him wait in the hall for "the party of ladies and gentlemen to whom he _belonged_!"

and by calling him "a Jew pickpocket!"

and he appealed to the "gentlemen of the patrol," whether he did not place himself under their protection from Jemmy Lennam's _wiolence_.

"The gentlemen of the patrol" said they heard a great noise in the hall, and going to see what it was about, they found Jemmy Lennam's fist locked in Mr. Nathan Nathan's collar, and Mr. Nathan Nathan's fist working away at Jemmy Lennam's face--and that was all they had to say in the business.

So Mr. Nathan Nathan was ordered to find bail, and a pair of Holywell-street vendors of seedy[31] apparel became his sureties.

WOLF _versus_ WELLDONE.

Mrs. Winifred Welldone, widow, of Monmouth-street, Seven Dials, was charged with having assaulted Mrs. Mary Wolf of the same place, spinster.

Mrs. Wolf, as her name would seem to signify, is bony and gaunt, and grim--a lady of most voracious aspect, and much more like an assault_er_ than an assault_ee_.

But the proverb saith--"judge not by outward appearances--they too often prove deceitful;" and they did so in this case; for Mrs. Welldone was so overdone with fat--so round, so soft, so puffy, and so short withal, that nobody would have supposed her capable of bruising even a pound of butter; and yet she contrived to give Mrs. Wolf a black eye!

How she had reached so high as the eye of Mrs. Wolf, was matter of wonder to everybody; for she was by no means well made for jumping, and Mrs. Wolf was nearly double her height.

It appeared by the evidence adduced on both sides, that Mrs. Welldone occupies a house in Monmouth-street--that far-famed street which is sometimes, though _maliciously_, yclep'd "_Rag_-fair."

Here she carries on a thriving trade in the "_translating_ line,"--that is to say, she employs sundry ingenious craftsmen in translating _old shoes_ into new ones--an art that will be dignified to all posterity, as being that art by which the patriot PRESTON procured _bub_ and _grub_[32] for his family.

These shoes, thus translated, or "revivified," Mrs. Welldone sells at a small profit to those persons, and they are not a few, whose destinies forbid them to purchase their shoes of the shoe-_maker_.

Beneath the shop, or parlour, in which she carries on this trade, she has two cellars--_under-ground apartments_ she calls them, and perhaps it is the _genteeler_ term; and it was these two cellars, or under-ground apartments, that brought her in contact with Mrs. Wolf.

Mrs. Wolf is of a profession nearly allied to _translating_, only she operates upon gowns, and petticoats, and "_chemises_," instead of _shoes_.

--As Robert Burns would say, "----She--wi' her needle and her shears, Gars auld claes look amaist as weel's the new."

Now it so happened that Mrs. Wolf was in want of a place in which to vend the garments she thus redeems from the jaws of the paper mill; and wandering along Monmouth-street, in search of some such place, she saw the under-ground apartments of Mrs. Welldone.

They were to let, she liked them vastly, and she became Mrs. Welldone's tenant--with an express stipulation between them that Mrs. Welldone should stick to her _shoes_, and Mrs. Wolf to her _shifts_, &c. ; so that neither of them might at all interfere with the trade of the other.

Mrs. Wolf took possession of the under-ground apartments that same evening; but it would appear that she had more of the fox in her composition than the wolf, for she was no sooner safely housed, or _cellar'd_, than she broke the agreement, by making a grand display of translated shoes all around the sill of her cellar window.

"Is this well done, Mrs. Wolf?"

cried the astonished Mrs. Welldone--"if you don't take them away this moment, I'll kick them all down upon your false head!"

Mrs. Wolf looked up from her subterranean abode, and grinned defiance--like the wolf that General Putnam pulled out of the cavern by his tail whilst the people pulled the General out by his hind leg.

Mrs. Welldone repeated her threat of kicking down the shoes, and Mrs. Wolf grinned again, and told her she would _ramshackle_[33] her if she did.

Then Mrs. Welldone, not having the fear of _ramshackleing_ before her eyes, swept the shoes into the cellar-hole upon the false head of Mrs. Wolf, and Mrs. Wolf emerged from her cavern amidst the cloud of flying shoes, "her soul in arms and eager for the 'fray."

Mrs. Welldone gave back when she saw her, and it was well she did; for Mrs. Wolf came on like a tigress, as all the witnesses averred, and they thought it a miracle (_a-la-Hohenlohe_) that she was not torn to bits at the first rush.

Mrs. Welldone, however, was not the woman to _back out_ of anything--she concentrated her powers--her eyes flashed like diamonds in dough, Mrs. Wolf closed upon her, they wrestled together like Death and the Dumpling, and when they were dragged apart by the bystanders, Mrs. Wolf's right eye was in mourning.

This was all the witnesses could say about the matter, and the magistrate told Mrs. Welldone, she had done ill in committing the first assault.

"I admit it, your worship," said Mrs. Welldone, "but it was enough to make any woman mad to have the bread taken out of one's mouth by _stratygim_ in that manner.

_Howsever_, I don't know that I should have minded _that_ so much if she had not _undersold_ me."

"Sold _under_ you, you mean," said his worship--"If you sold in the parlour, and she sold in the cellar, she sold under you, of course."

"Aye, _coarse_ enough, your worship, and a coarse piece of goods she is--look at her which way you will," rejoined Mrs. Welldone.

Well versed as Mrs. Welldone was in mending the _understandings_ of others, she herself, had not understanding enough to take this pun.

His worship decided that they had both been much to blame; and he ordered the warrant to be suspended _in terrorem_ over Mrs. Welldone, and recommended Mrs. Wolf to seek other cellars as soon as possible.