Mornings at Bow Street — Page 10-21

MANGLING AND MATRIMONY.

Mr. Thomas Turner was brought before the magistrate on a peace warrant, issued at the suit of his wife, Mrs. Eleanor Turner.

There was a world of arguments _pro.

_ and _con.

_; but we must content ourselves with a simple narrative of the principal facts.

Mr. and Mrs. Turner were married in September last, at which time he was not much more than seventy-three years old; and she was only fifty-six, the very day they went to church; consequently their experience was not so great as it might have been, had they been older.

Nevertheless, they managed to get over the first six weeks, as Mr. Turner said, "pretty tightish."

But after that time, his business began to fall off; and then Mrs. Turner, who was by profession a _mangler_, insisted on his turning the wheel of her mangle for her.

Well, he did turn it; and turn it, and turn it, again and again, from six o'clock in the morning till nine at night; and if he did not turn it fast enough, Mrs. Turner boxed his ears;

and often, when she had boxed his ears till fire flashed from his eyes, as it were, she would tell him, "though he was a turner by name, he was a poor turner by nature."

On the other hand, Mrs. Turner alleged that he had "married her out of a kitchen, _what_ she had lived in eleven long years;"

that she had brought him as excellent a character as any man could desire;

that she thought she could have done as well with him as she could with a man of twenty or twenty-five years old, but that she was sadly disappointed: for though she found him good for nothing in the world but to turn her mangle, he refused even to do that; or, if he did do it, he did it clumsily, and with grumbling; and he often left off doing it to beat her.

Moreover, he had latterly threatened to sell her mangling apparatus; and, because she begged of him not to sell it--as his doing so would be their ruin--he "kicked her _shins_ till they were all manner of colours."

The magistrate asked Mr. Turner what he had to say to this last part of the business.

He said, with his worship's permission, he would tell him.

--"He had often promised Mrs. Turner, that he would make her a handsome present at Whitsuntide, if she would only keep her fingers to herself; and as Whitsuntide was now fast approaching, he went out one Monday evening and _spouted_[9] his watch, to raise funds for that purpose.

With the funds so raised, he purchased a spick-and-span new straw bonnet, with ribbons all up a-top of it, quite beautiful to see--so beautiful, indeed, that the ribbons alone cost him a clear five shillings.

And with this bonnet, so beautiful, he went home, rejoicing in his heart to think how pleased Mrs. Turner would be, and how happy they should live--for a _fortnight_ at the very least.

But he was mistaken.

When he got home, he uncovered the bonnet, and, placing it on his hand, he held it up before her, nothing doubting but that she would be delighted at the sight of it; and he had no sooner done this, than she snatched it from his hand, and threw it on the ground, trampled its beautiful ribbons under her angry feet; and, seizing him by the _scuff_ of his neck she bent him down towards the floor, whilst she pummelled him about the head and shoulders, till his very ears sung again.

In this dilemma, he had nothing left for it but to kick backwards--_donkey_-fashion as he called it; and it was by the kicks so given in his own defence, that Mrs. Turner's legs were discoloured."

When Mr. Turner came to this part of his description, in order to show his worship more particularly the manner of his kicking, he kicked out behind with all his might, and in so doing he kicked an officer on the leg with such violence, that the poor fellow was obliged to go limping to a seat, and sit rubbing his shin for half an hour after.

Mrs. Turner strenuously denied having pummelled her husband in the way stated, or in any other way; and eventually he was ordered to find sureties to keep the peace towards her and all the king's subjects.

BATTLE IN THE BOXES.

Among the watch-house _detenus_ brought before the magistrates one morning, to answer for misdoings on the preceding night, there was a little, fat, round, well-dressed, comfortable-looking personage, named ----; but his name can be of no interest to the public, as the offence laid to his charge amounted only to an assault and battery, caused by the boiling over of his anger at a supposed invasion of his right and title to a particular seat in one of the boxes at the English opera--he having set his heart upon that identical seat from the very beginning of the evening.

His opponent was a young gentleman named Dakins--a thin, genteel youth, solemn and sententious in delivery, far above his years, and backed by a host of friends.

There was a world of oratory displayed on both sides; but we have no room to report it: all we can do is, to give a bare narrative of the facts.

Young Mr. Dakins occupied a front seat in one of the boxes till the conclusion of the first piece.

Then, having nothing else to do, he looked round the house.

Suddenly he espied a party of his friends, male and female, in the very next box.

They occupied the front seat and part of the second; and he, perceiving that there was a vacant space on the second seat, went and took possession of it forthwith, and was highly delighted at the luckiness of the circumstance.

In a few minutes in comes the little round man--"Hallo!"

says he, "you've got my seat, young man."

"_Your_ seat, Sir?"

said the young man, with some surprise.

"Yes, _my_ seat, Sir," replied the round one.

"Well, Sir," rejoined the young one, "you need not be so hot upon't--there is a very nice seat, which I have just left, in the front row of the adjoining box--will you have the goodness to take that, as I wish to remain here with my friends?"

"No, Sir," replied the round one, very waspishly--"no, Sir, I shall not!

This is my seat--I have _satten_ upon it all the evening, and I'll have no other; and let me tell you, Sir, that I think your conduct in taking it, Sir, very ungentlemanly, Sir!"

The young man's friends now interfered, but in vain; and at length they told him to let the little fat man have his seat, and they would make room for him in the front row.

So there they sat, enduring all the moist miseries of four in a row, till the end of the second piece; when the young man, turning round his head, perceived the little round man's seat empty again; and, after waiting a few minutes, and finding he did not return, he again took possession of it, to the great relief of the poor ladies in the front row.

But he had scarcely seated himself when in pops the little round man again, and without saying more than "I see this is done on purpose to insult me!"

he seized the young man by the collar of the coat behind, lifted him from the seat, and very dexterously slid himself into it.

In an instant all was uproar:--"Turn him out!"

--"Throw him over!"

--The little fat man lost his balance, fell backwards, and in that position he let fly "_an immense volley of kicks_," which the young man received on his stomach.

The ladies shrieked, the gentlemen tried to hold his legs down, the house cried "Shame!"

--and at length, after kickings and cuffings, and pullings and haulings, quite distressing to detail, the little round man was delivered over to the peace officers, and conveyed to the watch-house, panting like a porpoise, and perspiring at every pore.

Thus far is partly from the evidence for the prosecution.

For the defence, it was contended that it was excessively ungentlemanly to deprive any gentleman of the seat such gentleman might have occupied at the commencement of the performance; and furthermore, that the little round man was so roughly handled, that it was absolutely necessary for him to _kick_ in his own defence; for, having once lost his perpendicular position, his _rotundity_ of form made it extremely probable that he would roll over the front of the boxes into the pit!

Indeed it was asserted that his enemies endeavoured to bring about that shocking catastrophe, and that, had not a gentleman in the adjoining box held him back by the coat, they certainly would have accomplished it.

The magistrate said there were faults on both sides.

In the first place, the defendant should not have quitted his seat without saying to his neighbour that he intended to return; secondly, common courtesy ought to have induced the complainant to have relinquished it when demanded; and, thirdly, that the defendant should have demanded it civilly.

Upon the whole, it was a very silly piece of business, and he would recommend them to retire, and make an end of it by mutual explanation, or apology.

This pacific advice, however, was rejected by both parties, and so the little round man was held to bail.

A SPOILED QUADRILLE.

One _Solomon Dobbs_, an operative tailor, "all fudge and fooster," like a superannuated goose, was charged by a very spruce young gentleman with raising a false alarm against him, whereby he, the young gentleman, was in imminent danger of being treated as a pickpocket, or something of that sort.

The young gentleman, whose name we understood to be Henry Augustus _Jinks_, was proceeding to his studies in _quadrilling_ at the dancing academy, in Pickett-place, Temple Bar, about nine o'clock in the evening;

and being thinly clad, in silken hose, and all that, he was hurrying along to keep himself warm and in proper quadrilling condition.

Whilst he was so hurrying along, with his head full of fiddles and new figures, he heard somebody behind him cry "Stop!"

and looking back, he saw Mr. Solomon Dobbs waddling after him.

Mr. Henry Augustus Jinks had no idea that the cry of such a queer-looking man could be addressed to him, and so he continued to run on; but Mr. Solomon Dobbs still waddled after him, exclaiming "Stop him!

stop that thief!"

&c. though in such a thick husky voice that nobody noticed him.

Neither did Mr. Henry Augustus Jinks notice him, but ran on, and on, till he arrived at the assembly-room; and the first quadrille--which had been only waiting for him--was just about to be led off, when in waddled Mr. Solomon Dobbs, and seizes Mr. Henry Augustus Jinks by his quite clean, fresh-starched cravattery!

to the great terror of the ladies, the indignation of the gentlemen, the silencing of the fiddlers, and total disarrangement of the quadrille!

This was shocking enough in all conscience; but how was the terror and indignation increased when Mr. Solomon Dobbs, still holding the astonished Mr. Henry Augustus Jinks by his clean cravat, told him in plain terms that he was a _pickpocket_, and had robbed him of his watch!

It was too much.

The ladies squealed, the gentlemen stormed, the fiddlers bagged their _cremonas_, and Mr. Henry Augustus Jinks threatened an action of slander; but the master of the ceremonies, more judiciously, ran for a watchman, and Mr. Solomon Dobbs was carried off to the watch-house as a dangerous and evil-minded _disorderly_.

The magistrate called upon Mr. Solomon Dobbs for an explanation of his strange conduct.

"----And please your worship, I was not so sober as I might have been," solemnly replied Mr. Solomon Dobbs, with an owl-like twinkle of his gin-quenched eyes.

"Had you any ground for the charge you made against this young gentleman?"

asked the magistrates.

"Your worship, I had not; and I really have no recollection of having done what is laid to my charge," replied Mr. Solomon Dobbs, in deep despondency.

"Then, by your own confession you are a drunken fool," responded his worship.

Mr. Solomon Dobbs bowed assent.

--Mr. Henry Augustus Jinks said he was satisfied, and the matter was dismissed.

OYSTER EATING.

A law student was brought up from St. Clement's watch-house, to which place he had been consigned between eleven and twelve on the preceding night, at the suit of an ancient oyster-woman of that parish.

The venerable fishmongeress deposed, that the Law Student was in the practice of occasionally taking oysters at her shop; and in general he conducted himself like a very nice sort of gentleman--so much so, that she had more pleasure in opening oysters for him than for any other gentleman of her acquaintance; but on this unfortunate night he came in very tipsy, and devoured so many oysters that she was quite alarmed at him.

She opened, and opened, and opened, till her hands and arms ached ready to drop off, and still he kept craving for more; and he _would_ have them, in spite of her remonstrating that he would certainly burst himself.

At last he took it in his head to go out to look at the weather, and she took that opportunity of locking him out; thinking he would be satisfied with what he had had, and would go quietly home; but instead of this, he commenced an assault and battery on her door, and before she could unlock it, he had not only forced it off the hinges, but had shivered one of the panels to pieces with his foot.

She was now more alarmed than ever, and fearing he might even attempt to serve her as he had served the oysters, she "_skreeked_ for the watch," and he was taken to the round-house.

The Law Student, who seemed to be still under the influence of the Tuscan grape, heard all this with a quiet, comfortable simper; and then, with a low lounging sort of bow to the lady, he said in a voice that seemed to make its way with difficulty through a mass of oysters, "Suppose, Mrs. Jinkins, I reinstate your door--you will be satisfied?"

"Sir," interrupted the magistrate, "you must satisfy me, as well as Mrs. Jinkins; you have broken the public peace; let me know what you have to say to that?"

"Your worship," replied the Law Student, with an oyster-oppressed sigh, "your worship, I have nothing to say, save and except that I was rather--" "_Drunk_, you mean to say," observed his worship.

"Your worship, I am sorry to say, conjectures rightly," replied the Law Student, with another very graceful bow, and another sigh from the very bottom of his oyster-bed.

"Then, Sir," rejoined the magistrate, "pay the woman for the damage you have done her door--pay one shilling for your discharge fee, and five shillings for being _drunk_; and then go about your business, and keep yourself _sober_ in future."

The Law Student bowed again, and beckoned to a young man at the farther end of the office, who instantly stepped forward and paid the money; and then the Law Student, making two distinct bows--one to the magistrate, and the other to his oyster-woman, slided genteelly out of the office.