Ideal Husband — Act 4
[LORD GORING _is standing by the fireplace with his hands in his pockets_.
_He is looking rather bored_.
] LORD GORING.
[_Pulls out his watch_, _inspects it_, _and rings the bell_.
] It is a great nuisance.
I can’t find any one in this house to talk to.
And I am full of interesting information.
I feel like the latest edition of something or other.
[_Enter servant_.
] JAMES.
Sir Robert is still at the Foreign Office, my lord.
LORD GORING.
Lady Chiltern not down yet?
JAMES.
Her ladyship has not yet left her room.
Miss Chiltern has just come in from riding.
LORD GORING.
[_To himself_.
] Ah!
that is something.
JAMES.
Lord Caversham has been waiting some time in the library for Sir Robert.
I told him your lordship was here.
LORD GORING.
Thank you!
Would you kindly tell him I’ve gone?
JAMES.
[_Bowing_.
] I shall do so, my lord.
[_Exit servant_.
] LORD GORING.
Really, I don’t want to meet my father three days running.
It is a great deal too much excitement for any son.
I hope to goodness he won’t come up.
Fathers should be neither seen nor heard.
That is the only proper basis for family life.
Mothers are different.
Mothers are darlings.
[_Throws himself down into a chair_, _picks up a paper and begins to read it_.
] [_Enter_ LORD CAVERSHAM.
] LORD CAVERSHAM.
Well, sir, what are you doing here?
Wasting your time as usual, I suppose?
LORD GORING.
[_Throws down paper and rises_.
] My dear father, when one pays a visit it is for the purpose of wasting other people’s time, not one’s own.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Have you been thinking over what I spoke to you about last night?
LORD GORING.
I have been thinking about nothing else.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Engaged to be married yet?
LORD GORING.
[_Genially_.
] Not yet: but I hope to be before lunch-time.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
[_Caustically_.
] You can have till dinner-time if it would be of any convenience to you.
LORD GORING.
Thanks awfully, but I think I’d sooner be engaged before lunch.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Humph!
Never know when you are serious or not.
LORD GORING.
Neither do I, father.
[_A pause_.
] LORD CAVERSHAM.
I suppose you have read _The Times_ this morning?
LORD GORING.
[_Airily_.
] The Times?
Certainly not.
I only read _The Morning Post_.
All that one should know about modern life is where the Duchesses are; anything else is quite demoralising.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Do you mean to say you have not read _The Times_ leading article on Robert Chiltern’s career?
LORD GORING.
Good heavens!
No. What does it say?
LORD CAVERSHAM.
What should it say, sir?
Everything complimentary, of course.
Chiltern’s speech last night on this Argentine Canal scheme was one of the finest pieces of oratory ever delivered in the House since Canning.
LORD GORING.
Ah!
Never heard of Canning.
Never wanted to.
And did .
.
.
did Chiltern uphold the scheme?
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Uphold it, sir?
How little you know him!
Why, he denounced it roundly, and the whole system of modern political finance.
This speech is the turning-point in his career, as _The Times_ points out.
You should read this article, sir.
[_Opens_ The Times.
] ‘Sir Robert Chiltern .
.
.
most rising of our young statesmen .
.
.
Brilliant Orator .
.
.
Unblemished career .
.
.
Well-known integrity of character .
.
Represents what is best in English public life .
.
.
Noble contrast to the lax morality so common among foreign politicians.
’ They will never say that of you, sir.
LORD GORING.
I sincerely hope not, father.
However, I am delighted at what you tell me about Robert, thoroughly delighted.
It shows he has got pluck.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
He has got more than pluck, sir, he has got genius.
LORD GORING.
Ah!
I prefer pluck.
It is not so common, nowadays, as genius is.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
I wish you would go into Parliament.
LORD GORING.
My dear father, only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons, and only people who are dull ever succeed there.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Why don’t you try to do something useful in life?
LORD GORING.
I am far too young.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
[_Testily_.
] I hate this affectation of youth, sir.
It is a great deal too prevalent nowadays.
LORD GORING.
Youth isn’t an affectation.
Youth is an art.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Why don’t you propose to that pretty Miss Chiltern?
LORD GORING.
I am of a very nervous disposition, especially in the morning.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her accepting you.
LORD GORING.
I don’t know how the betting stands to-day.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
If she did accept you she would be the prettiest fool in England.
LORD GORING.
That is just what I should like to marry.
A thoroughly sensible wife would reduce me to a condition of absolute idiocy in less than six months.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
You don’t deserve her, sir.
LORD GORING.
My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
[_Enter_ MABEL CHILTERN.
] MABEL CHILTERN.
Oh!
.
.
.
How do you do, Lord Caversham?
I hope Lady Caversham is quite well?
LORD CAVERSHAM.
Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.
LORD GORING.
Good morning, Miss Mabel!
MABEL CHILTERN.
[_Taking no notice at all of_ LORD GORING, _and addressing herself exclusively to_ LORD CAVERSHAM.
] And Lady Caversham’s bonnets .
.
.
are they at all better?
LORD CAVERSHAM.
They have had a serious relapse, I am sorry to say.
LORD GORING.
Good morning, Miss Mabel!
MABEL CHILTERN.
[_To_ LORD CAVERSHAM.
] I hope an operation will not be necessary.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
[_Smiling at her pertness_.
] If it is, we shall have to give Lady Caversham a narcotic.
Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather touched.
LORD GORING.
[_With increased emphasis_.
] Good morning, Miss Mabel!
MABEL CHILTERN.
[_Turning round with feigned surprise_.
] Oh, are you here?
Of course you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to speak to you again.
LORD GORING.
Oh, please don’t say such a thing.
You are the one person in London I really like to have to listen to me.
MABEL CHILTERN.
Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that either you or I say to each other.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
You are quite right, my dear, quite right .
.
.
as far as he is concerned, I mean.
MABEL CHILTERN.
Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little better occasionally?
Just as a change.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no influence at all over my son.
I wish I had.
If I had, I know what I would make him do.
MABEL CHILTERN.
I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
He is very heartless, very heartless.
LORD GORING.
It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.
MABEL CHILTERN.
It is very good for you to be in the way, and to know what people say of you behind your back.
LORD GORING.
I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back.
It makes me far too conceited.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
After that, my dear, I really must bid you good morning.
MABEL CHILTERN.
Oh!
I hope you are not going to leave me all alone with Lord Goring?
Especially at such an early hour in the day.
LORD CAVERSHAM.
I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing Street.
It is not the Prime Minster’s day for seeing the unemployed.
[_Shakes hands with_ MABEL CHILTERN, _takes up his hat and stick_, _and goes out_, _with a parting glare of indignation at_ LORD GORING.
] MABEL CHILTERN.
[_Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl on the table_.
] People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park are horrid.
LORD GORING.
Detestable.
MABEL CHILTERN.
I am glad you admit it.
But I wish you wouldn’t look so pleased about it.
LORD GORING.
I can’t help it.
I always look pleased when I am with you.
MABEL CHILTERN.
[_Sadly_.
] Then I suppose it is my duty to remain with you?
LORD GORING.
Of course it is.
MABEL CHILTERN.
Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle.
It always depresses me.
So I am afraid I must leave you.
LORD GORING.
Please don’t, Miss Mabel.
I have something very particular to say to you.
MABEL CHILTERN.
[_Rapturously_.
] Oh!
is it a proposal?
LORD GORING.
[_Somewhat taken aback_.
] Well, yes, it is—I am bound to say it is.
MABEL CHILTERN.
[_With a sigh of pleasure_.
] I am so glad.
That makes the second to-day.
LORD GORING.
[_Indignantly_.
] The second to-day?
What conceited ass has been impertinent enough to dare to propose to you before I had proposed to you?
MABEL CHILTERN.
Tommy Trafford, of course.
It is one of Tommy’s days for proposing.
He always proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, during the Season.
LORD GORING.
You didn’t accept him, I hope?
MABEL CHILTERN.
I make it a rule never to accept Tommy.
That is why he goes on proposing.
Of course, as you didn’t turn up this morning, I very nearly said yes.
It would have been an excellent lesson both for him and for you if I had.
It would have taught you both better manners.
LORD GORING.
Oh!
bother Tommy Trafford.
Tommy is a silly little ass.
I
love you.
MABEL CHILTERN.
I know.
And I think you might have mentioned it before.
I am sure I have given you heaps of opportunities.
LORD GORING.
Mabel, do be serious.
Please be serious.
MABEL CHILTERN.
Ah!
that is the sort of thing a man always says to a girl before he has been married to her.
He never says it afterwards.
