Japanese Girls and Women — Wife and Mother, Part 1

WIFE AND MOTHER.

[*84] The young wife, when she enters her husband's home, is not, as in our own country, entering upon a new life as mistress of a house, with absolute control over all of her little domain.

Should her husband's parents be living, she becomes almost as their servant, and even her husband is unable to defend her from the exactions of her mother-in-law, should this new relative be inclined to make full use of the power given her by custom.

Happy is the girl whose husband has no parents.

Her comfort in life is materially increased by her husband's loss, for, instead of having to serve two masters, she will then have to serve only one, and that one more kind and thoughtful of her strength and comfort than the mother-in-law.

In Japan the idea of a wife's duty to her husband includes no thought of companionship on terms of equality.

The wife is simply the housekeeper, the head of the establishment, to be honored by the servants because she is the one who is nearest to the master, but not for one moment to be regarded as the master's equal.

She governs and directs the household, if it be a large one, and her position is one of much care and responsibility; but she is not the intimate friend of her husband, is in no sense his confidante or adviser, except in trivial affairs of the household.

She appears rarely with him in public, is expected always to wait upon him and save him steps, and must bear all things from him with smiling face and agreeable manners, even to the receiving with open arms into the household some other woman, whom she knows to bear the relation of concubine to her own husband.

In return for this, she has, if she be of the higher classes, much respect and honor from those beneath her.

She has, in many cases the real though often inconsiderate affection of her husband.

If she be the mother of children, she is doubly honored, and if she be endowed with a good temper, good manners, and tact, she can render her position not only agreeable to herself, but one of great usefulness to those about her.

It lies with her alone to make the home a pleasant one, or to make it unpleasant.

Nothing is expected of the husband in this direction; he may do as he likes with his own, and no one will blame him; but if his home is not happy, even through his own folly or bad temper, the blame will fall upon his wife, who should by management do whatever is necessary to supply the deficiencies caused by her husband's shortcomings.

In all things the husband goes first, the wife second.

If the husband drops his fan or his handkerchief the wife picks it up.

The husband is served first, the wife afterwards, and so on through the countless minutiæ of daily life.

It is not the idea of the strong man considering the weak woman, saving her exertion, guarding and deferring to her; but it is the less important waiting upon the more important, the servant deferring to her master.

But though the present position of a Japanese wife is that of a dependent who owes all she has to her protector, and for whom she is bound to do all she can in return, the dependence is in many cases a happy one.

The wife's position, especially if she be the mother of children, is often pleasant, and her chief joy and pride lies in the proper conduct of her house and the training of her children.

The service of her parents-in-law, however, must remain her first duty during their lifetime.

She must make it her care to see that they are waited upon and served with what they like at meals, that their clothes are carefully and nicely made, and that countless little attentions are heaped upon them.

As long as her mother-in-law lives, the latter is the real ruler of the house; and though in many cases the elder lady prefers freedom from responsibility to the personal superintendence of the details of housekeeping, she will not hesitate to require of her daughter-in-law that the house be kept to her satisfaction.

If the maiden's lot is to be the first daughter-in-law in a large family, she becomes simply the one of the family from whom the most drudgery is expected, who obtains the fewest favors, and who is expected to have always the pleasantest of tempers under circumstances not altogether conducive to repose of spirit.

The wife of the oldest son has, however, the advantage that, when her mother-in-law dies or retires, she becomes the mistress of the house and the head lady of the family, a position for which her apprenticeship to the old lady has probably exceptionally well fitted her.

Next to her parents-in-law, her duty is to her husband.

She must herself render to him the little services that a European expects of his valet.

She must not only take care of his clothing, but must bring it to him and help him put it on, and must put away with care whatever he has taken off; and she often takes pride in doing with her own hands many acts of service which might be left to servants, and which are not actually demanded of her, unless she has no one under her to do them.

In the poorer families all the washing, sewing, and mending that is required is always done by the wife; and even the Empress herself is not exempt from these duties of personal service, but must wait upon her husband in various ways.

When the earliest beams of the sun shine in at the cracks of the dark wooden shutters which surround the house at night, the young wife in the family softly arises, puts out the feeble light of the _andon_,[15] which has burned all night, and, quietly opening one of the sliding doors, admits enough light to make her own toilet.

She dresses hastily, only putting a few touches here and there to her elaborate coiffure, which she has not taken down for her night's rest.

[16] Next she goes to arouse the servants, if they are not already up, and with them prepares the modest breakfast.

When the little lacquer tables, with rice bowls, plates, and chopsticks are arranged in place, she goes softly to see whether her parents and husband are awake, and if they have hot water, charcoal fire, and whatever else they may need for their toilet.

Then with her own hands, or with the help of the servants, she slides back the wooden shutters, opening the whole house to the fresh morning air and sunlight.

It is she, also, who directs the washing and wiping of the polished floors, and the folding and putting away of the bedding, so that all is in readiness before the morning meal.

[15] The _andon_ is the standing lamp, inclosed in a paper case, used as a night lamp in all Japanese houses.

Until the introduction of kerosene lamps, the _andon_ was the only light used in Japanese houses.

The light is produced by a pith wick floating in a saucer of vegetable oil.

[16] The pillow used by ladies is merely a wooden rest for the head, that supports the neck, leaving the elaborate head-dress undisturbed.

The hair is dressed by a professional hair-dresser, who comes to the house once in two or three days.

In some parts of Japan, as in Ki[=o]to, where the hair is even more elaborately dressed than in T[=o]ky[=o], it is much less frequently arranged.

The process takes two hours at least.

When breakfast is over, the husband starts for his place of business, and the little wife is in waiting to send him off with her sweetest smile and her lowest bow, after having seen that his foot-gear--whether sandal, clog, or shoe--is at the door ready for him to put on, his umbrella, book, or bundle at hand, and his _kuruma_ waiting for him.

Certainly a Japanese man is lucky in having all the little things in his life attended to by his thoughtful wife,--a good, considerate, careful body-servant, always on hand to bear for him the trifling worries and cares.

There is no wonder that there are no bachelors in Japan.

To some degree, I am sure, the men appreciate these attentions; for they often become much in love with their sweet, helpful wives, though they do not share with them the greater things of life, the ambitions and the hopes of men.

The husband started on his daily rounds, the wife settles down to the work of the house.

Her sphere is within her home, and though, unlike other Asiatic women, she goes without restraint alone through the streets, she does not concern herself with the great world, nor is she occupied with such a round of social duties as fill the lives of society women in this country.

Yet she is not barred out from all intercourse with the outer world, for there are sometimes great dinner parties, given perhaps at home, when she must appear as hostess, side by side with her husband, and share with him the duty of entertaining the guests.

There are, besides, smaller gatherings of friends of her husband, when she must see that the proper refreshments are served, if they be only the omnipresent tea and cake.

She may, perhaps, join in the number and listen to the conversation; but if there are no ladies, she will probably not appear, except to attend to the wants of her guests.

There are also lady visitors--friends and relatives--who come to make calls, oftentimes from a distance, and nearly always unexpectedly, whose entertainment devolves on the wife.

Owing to the great distances in many of the cities, and the difficulties that used to attend going from place to place, it has become a custom not to make frequent visits, but long ones at long intervals.

A guest often stays several hours, remaining to lunch or dinner, as the case may be, and, should the distance be great, may spend the night.

So rigid are the requirements of Japanese hospitality that no guest is ever allowed to leave a house without having been pressed to partake of food, if it be only tea and cake.

Even tradesmen or messengers who come to the house must be offered tea, and if carpenters, gardeners, or workmen of any kind are employed about the house, tea must be served in the middle of the afternoon with a light lunch, and tea sent out to them often during their day's work.

If a guest arrives in _jinrikisha_, not only the guest, but the _jinrikisha_ men must be supplied with refreshments.

All these things involve much thought and care on the part of the lady of the house.

In the homes of rich and influential men of wide acquaintance, there is a great deal going on to make a pleasant variety for the ladies of the household, even although the variety involves extra work and responsibility.

The mistress of such a household sees and hears a great deal of life; and her position requires no little wisdom and tact, even where the housewife has the assistance of good servants, capable, as many are, of sharing not only the work, but the responsibility as well.

Clever wives in such homes see and learn much, in an indirect way, of the outside world in which the men live; and may become, if they possess the natural capabilities for the work, wise advisers and sympathizers with their husbands in many things far beyond their ordinary field of action.

An intelligent woman, with a strong will, has often been, unseen and unknown, a mighty influence in Japan.

That her power for good or bad, outside of her influence as wife and mother, is a recognized fact, is seen in the circumstance that in novels and plays women are frequently brought in as factors in political plots and organized rebellions, as well as in acts of private revenge.

Still the life of the average woman is a quiet one, with little to interrupt the monotony of her days with their never-ending round of duties; and to the most secluded homes only an occasional guest comes to enliven the dull hours.

The principal occupation of the wife, outside of her housekeeping and the little duties of personal service to husband and parents, is needle-work.

Every Japanese woman (excepting those of the highest rank) knows how to sew, and makes not only her own garments and those of her children, but her husband's as well.

Sewing is one of the essentials in the education of a Japanese girl, and from childhood the cutting and putting together of crêpe, silk, and cotton is a familiar occupation to her.

Though Japanese garments seem very simple, custom requires that each stitch and seam be placed in just such a way;

and this way is something of a task to learn.

To the uninitiated foreigner, the general effect of the loosely worn _kimono_ is the same, whether the garment be well or ill made; but the skillful seamstress can easily discover that this seam is not turned just as it should be, or that those stitches are too long or too short, or carelessly or unevenly set.

Fancy work[17] or embroidery is not done in the house, the gorgeous embroidered Japanese robes being the product of professional workmen.

Instead of the endless fancy work with silks, crewels, or worsteds, over which so many American ladies spend their leisure hours, many of the Japanese ladies, even of the highest rank, devote much time to the cultivation of the silkworm.

In country homes, and in the great cities as well, wherever spacious grounds afford room for the growth of mulberry trees, silkworms are raised and watched with care; an employment giving much pleasure to those engaged in it.

[17] The one exception to this statement, so far as I know, is the species of silk mosaic made by the ladies in the _daimi[=o]s'_ houses.

(See chap.

vii.

) It is difficult for any one who has not experimented in this direction to realize how tender these little spinners are.

If a strong breeze blow upon them, they are likely to suffer for it, and the least change in the atmosphere must be guarded against.

For forty days they must be carefully watched, and the great, shallow, bamboo basket trays containing them changed almost daily.

New leaves for their food must be given frequently, and as the least dampness might be fatal, each leaf, in case of rainy weather, is carefully wiped.

Then, too, the different ages of the worms must be considered in preparing their food; as, for the young worms, the leaves should be cut up, while for the older ones it is better to serve them whole.

When, finally, the buzzing noise of the crunching leaves has ceased, and the last worm has put himself to sleep in his precious white cocoon, the work of the ladies is ended; for the cocoons are sent to women especially skilled in the work, by them to be spun off, and the thread afterwards woven into the desired fabric.

When at last the silk, woven and dyed, is returned to the ladies by whose care the worms were nourished until their work was done, it is shown with great pride as the product of the year's labor, and if given as a present will be highly prized by the recipient.

Among the daily tasks of the housewife, one, and by no means the least of her duties, is to receive, duly acknowledge, and return in suitable manner, the presents received in the family.

Presents are not confined to special seasons, although upon certain occasions etiquette is rigid in its requirements in this matter, but they may be given and received at all times, for the Japanese are preëminently a present-giving nation.

For every present received, sooner or later, a proper return must be sent, appropriate to the season and to the rank of the receiver, and neatly arranged in the manner that etiquette prescribes.

Presents are not necessarily elaborate; callers bring fruit of the season, cake, or any delicacy, and a visit to a sick person must be accompanied by something appropriate.

Children visiting in the family are always given toys, and for this purpose a stock is kept on hand.

The present-giving culminates at the close of the year, when all friends and acquaintances exchange gifts of more or less value, according to their feelings and means.

Should there be any one who has been especially kind, and to whom return should be made, this is the time to do so.

Tradesmen send presents to their patrons, scholars to teachers, patients to their physicians, and, in short, it is the time when all obligations and debts are paid off, in one way or another.

On the seventh day of the seventh month, there is another general interchange of presents, although not so universal as at the New Year.

It can easily be imagined that all this present-giving entails much care, especially in families of influence; and it must be attended to personally by the wife, who, in the secret recesses of her storeroom, skillfully manages to rearrange the gifts received, so that those not needed in the house may be sent, not back to their givers, but to some place where a present is due.

The passing-on of the presents is an economy not of course acknowledged, but frequently practiced even in the best families, as it saves much of the otherwise ruinous expense of this custom.

As time passes by, occasional visits are paid by the young wife to her own parents or to other relatives.

At stated times, too, she, and others of the family, will visit the tombs of her husband's ancestors, or of her own parents, if they are no longer living, to make offerings and prayers at the graves, to place fresh branches of the _sakaki_[18] before the tombs, and to see that the priests in charge of the cemetery have attended to all the little things which the Japanese believe to be required by the spirits of the dead.

Even these visits are often looked forward to as enlivening the monotony of the humdrum home life.

Sometimes all the members of the family go together on a pleasure excursion, spending the day out of doors, in beautiful gardens, when some one of the much-loved flowers of the nation is in its glory; and the little wife may join in this pleasure with the rest, but more often she is the one who remains at home to keep the house in the absence of others.

The theatre, too, a source of great amusement to Japanese ladies, is often a pleasure reserved for a time later in life.

[18] _Sakaki_, the _Cleyera Japonica_, a sacred plant emblematic of purity, and much used at funerals and in the decoration of graves.

The Japanese mother takes great delight and comfort in her children, and her constant thought and care is the right direction of their habits and manners.

She seems to govern them entirely by gentle admonition, and the severest chiding that is given them is always in a pleasant voice, and accompanied by a smiling face.

No matter how many servants there may be, the mother's influence is always direct and personal.

No thick walls and long passageways separate the nursery from the grown people's apartments, but the thin paper partitions make it possible for the mother to know always what her children are doing, and whether they are good and gentle with their nurses, or irritable and passionate.

The children never leave the house, nor return to it, without going to their mother's room, and there making the little bows and repeating the customary phrases used upon such occasions.

In the same way, when the mother goes out, all the servants and the children escort her to the door; and when her attendant shouts "_O kaeri_," which is the signal of her return, children and servants hasten to the gate to greet her, and do what they can to help her from her conveyance and make her home-coming pleasant and restful.

The father has little to do with the training of his children, which is left almost entirely to the mother, and, except for the interference of the mother-in-law, she has her own way in their training, until they are long past childhood.

The children are taught to look to the father as the head, and to respect and obey him as the one to whom all must defer;

but the mother comes next, almost as high in their estimation, and, if not so much feared and respected, certainly enjoys a larger share of their love.