Alice in Wonderland (Drama) — Act 2
SCENE
_The March Hare's garden, showing part of the Duchess' house.
On a small platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless length.
THE MARCH HARE, HATTER, and DORMOUSE are crowded at one end.
ALICE sits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky.
Finding herself not bruised she rises and approaches the table.
_ MARCH HARE and HATTER No room!
No room!
ALICE
There's plenty of room!
[_She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table.
_] I don't know who you are.
MARCH HARE
I am the March Hare, that's the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse.
Have some wine?
ALICE
I don't see any wine.
MARCH HARE
There isn't any.
ALICE
Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE
It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE
I didn't know it was _your_ table; it's laid for a great many more than three.
HATTER
Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE
You should learn not to make personal remarks; it's very rude.
HATTER
Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE
Come, we shall have some fun now!
I'm glad you've begun asking riddles--I believe I can guess that.
MARCH HARE
So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
[Illustration: HATTER: Your hair wants cutting.
] ALICE
Exactly so.
MARCH HARE
Then you should say what you mean.
ALICE
I do; at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.
HATTER
Not the same thing a bit!
Why, you might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as, "I eat what I see!"
MARCH HARE
You might just as well say that "I like what I get," is the same thing as "I get what I like."
DORMOUSE
You might just as well say that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
HATTER
It _is_ the same thing with you.
[_Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear.
_] What day of the month is it?
ALICE
The fourth.
HATTER
Two days wrong.
I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!
MARCH HARE
It was the _best_ butter.
HATTER
Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife-- MARCH HARE
[_Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again but doesn't know what else to say.
_] It was the _best_ butter, you know.
ALICE
What a funny watch!
It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what o'clock it is.
HATTER
Why should it?
Does _your_ watch tell you what year it is?
ALICE
Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together.
HATTER
Which is just the case with _mine_.
ALICE
I don't quite understand you.
What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was certainly English.
HATTER
[_Pouring some hot tea on the DORMOUSE'S nose.
_] The Dormouse is asleep again.
DORMOUSE
Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.
HATTER
Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE
No, I give it up, what's the answer?
HATTER
I haven't the slightest idea.
MARCH HARE
Nor I. ALICE
I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.
HATTER
If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting _it_.
It's _him_.
ALICE
I don't know what you mean.
HATTER
Of course you don't. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.
ALICE
Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
HATTER
Ah, that accounts for it.
He won't stand beating.
Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock.
For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons.
You'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling!
Half past one, time for dinner.
MARCH HARE
I only wish it was.
ALICE
That would be grand, certainly, but then--I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know.
HATTER
Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked.
ALICE
Is that the way _you_ manage?
HATTER
Not I, we quarreled last March--just before _he_ went mad, you know.
It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!"
You know the song, perhaps.
ALICE
I've heard something like it.
DORMOUSE
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle-- HATTER
Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, "He's murdering the time!
Off with his head!"
ALICE
How dreadfully savage!
HATTER
And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask!
It's always six o'clock now.
ALICE
Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?
HATTER
Yes, that's it; it's always tea time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.
ALICE
Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
HATTER
Exactly so, as the things get used up.
ALICE
But when you come to the beginning again?
MARCH HARE
Suppose we change the subject.
I vote the young lady tells us a story.
ALICE
I'm afraid I don't know one.
MARCH HARE and HATTER Then the Dormouse shall.
Wake up Dormouse.
[_They pinch him on both sides at once.
_] DORMOUSE
[_Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice.
_] I wasn't asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying.
MARCH HARE
Tell us a story.
ALICE
Yes, please do!
HATTER
And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's done.
DORMOUSE
Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well-- ALICE
What did they live on?
[Illustration] DORMOUSE
They lived on treacle.
ALICE
They couldn't have done that, you know, they'd have been ill.
DORMOUSE
So they were, _very_ ill.
ALICE
But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
MARCH HARE
Take some more tea.
ALICE
I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
HATTER
You mean, you can't take _less_; it's very easy to take _more_ than nothing.
ALICE
Nobody asked _your_ opinion.
HATTER
Who's making personal remarks now?
ALICE
[_Helps herself to tea and bread and butter.
_] Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
DORMOUSE
[_Takes a minute or two to think.
_] It was a treacle-well.
ALICE
There's no such thing!
HATTER and MARCH HARE Sh!
Sh!
DORMOUSE
If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself.
ALICE
[_Very humbly.
_] No, please go on.
I won't interrupt you again.
I dare say there may be _one_.
DORMOUSE
One, indeed!
And so these three little sisters--they were learning to draw, you know-- ALICE
What did they draw?
DORMOUSE
Treacle.
HATTER
I want a clean cup.
Let's all move one place on.
[_HATTER moves on, DORMOUSE takes his place, MARCH HARE takes DORMOUSE'S place and ALICE unwillingly takes MARCH HARE'S place.
_] ALICE
I'm worse off than I was before.
You've upset the milk jug into your plate.
MARCH HARE
It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE
Where did they draw the treacle from?
HATTER
You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle well--eh, stupid?
ALICE
But they were _in_ the well.
DORMOUSE
Of course they were--well in.
They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things--everything that begins with an M-- ALICE
Why with an M?
[Illustration] MARCH HARE
Why not?
[_ALICE is silent and confused.
HATTER pinches DORMOUSE to wake him up.
_] DORMOUSE
[_Wakes with a little shriek and continues.
_] --that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness--you know you say things are "much of a muchness"--did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
HATTER
Did you?
ALICE
Really now you ask me, I don't think-- HATTER
Then you shouldn't talk.
MARCH HARE
No!
ALICE
[_Rises and walks away.
_] You are very rude.
It's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life-- [_WHITE RABBIT enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it.
_] MARCH HARE and HATTER No room!
no room!
[_Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly.
A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door.
_] WHITE RABBIT
For the Duchess.
An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG
From the Queen.
An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
[_WHITE RABBIT bows and goes out.
_] MARCH HARE and HATTER [_To WHITE RABBIT.
_] No room!
No room!
No room!
[_The FROG disappears into the house but leaves the door open.
There is a terrible din and many sauce pans fly out.
_] MARCH HARE
She's at it again.
HATTER
It's perfectly disgusting.
MARCH HARE
Let's move on.
[_The platform moves off with table, chairs, MARCH HARE, HATTER, and DORMOUSE.
Meanwhile the FROG has come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky.
ALICE goes to the door timidly and knocks.
_] FROG
There's no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.
ALICE
Please then, how am I to get in?
FROG
There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us.
For instance, if you were _inside_, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.
ALICE
How am I to get in?
FROG
I shall sit here, till tomorrow.
[_The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the FROG'S head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces.
_] [_FROG acts as if nothing had happened.
_] Or next day, maybe.
ALICE
How am I to get in?
FROG
_Are_ you to get in at all?
That's the first question, you know.
ALICE
It's really dreadful the way all you creatures argue.
It's enough to drive one crazy.
FROG
I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
ALICE
But what am I to do?
FROG
Anything you like.
[_He begins to whistle.
_] ALICE
Where's the servant whose business it is to answer the door?
FROG
Which door?
