Voces Populi — A Christmas Romp
A Christmas Romp.
SCENE--MRS.
CHIPPERFIELD'S _Drawing-room_.
_It is after the Christmas dinner, and the Gentlemen have not yet appeared.
_ MRS.
C.
_is laboriously attempting to be gracious to her Brother's Fiancee, whose acquaintance she has made for the first time, and with whom she is disappointed_.
_Married Sisters and Maiden Aunts confer in corners with a sleepy acidity.
_ FIRST MARRIED SISTER (_to Second_).
I felt quite sorry for Fred, to see him sitting there, looking--and no wonder--so ashamed of himself--but I always will say, and I always _must_ say, Caroline, that if you and Robert had been _firmer_ with him when he was younger, he would never have turned out so badly!
Now, there's my George--&c. , &c. MRS.
C.
(_to the Fiancee_).
Well, my dear, I don't approve of young men getting engaged until they have some prospect of being able to marry, and dear Algy was always my favourite brother, and I've seen so much misery from long engagements.
However, we must hope for the best, that's all!
A MAIDEN AUNT (_to Second Ditto_).
Exactly what struck _me_, Martha.
_One_ waiter would have been quite sufficient, and if James _must_ be grand and give champagne, he might have given us a little _more_ of it;
I'm sure I'd little else but foam in _my_ glass!
And every plate as cold as a stone, and you and I the only people who were not considered worthy of silver forks, and the children encouraged to behave as they please, and Joseph Podmore made such a fuss with, because he's well off--and not enough sweetbread to go the round.
Ah, well, thank goodness, we needn't dine here for another year!
MR.
CHIPPERFIELD (_at the door_).
Sorry to cut you short in your cigar, Uncle, and you, Limpett; but fact is, being Christmas night, I thought we'd come up a little sooner and all have a bit of a romp....
Well, Emily, my dear, here we are, all of us--ready for anything in the way of a frolic--what's it to be?
Forfeits, games, Puss in the Corner, something to cheer us all up, eh?
Won't any one make a suggestion?
[_General expression of gloomy blankness.
_ ALGERNON (_to his Fiancee--whom he wants to see shine_).
Zeffie, you know no end of games--what's that one you played at home, with potatoes and a salt-spoon, _you_ know?
ZEFFIE (_blushing_).
No, _please_, Algy!
I don't know _any_ games, indeed, I couldn't _really_!
MR.
C.
Uncle Joseph will set us going, I'm sure--what do _you_ say, Uncle?
UNCLE JOSEPH.
Well, I won't say "no" to a quiet rubber.
MRS.
C.
But, you see, we can't _all_ play in that, and there _is_ a pack of cards in the house somewhere; but I know two of the aces are gone, and I don't think all the court cards were there the last time we played.
Still, if you can manage with what is left, we might get up a game for you.
UNCLE J.
(_grimly_).
Thank you, my dear, but, on the whole, I think I would almost rather romp-- MR.
C.
Uncle Joseph votes for romping!
What do you say to Dumb Crambo?
Great fun--half of us go out, and come in on all-fours, to rhyme to "cat," or "bat," or something--_you_ can play that, Limpett?
MR.
LIMPETT.
If I _must_ find a rhyme to cat, I prefer, so soon after dinner, not to go on all-fours for it, I confess.
MR.
C.
Well, let's have something quieter, then--only _do_ settle.
Musical Chairs, eh?
ALGY.
Zeffie will play the piano for you--she plays beautifully.
ZEFFIE.
Not without notes, Algy, and I forgot to bring my music with me.
Shall we play "Consequences"?
It's a very quiet game--you play it sitting down, with paper and pencil, you know!
MR.
LIMPETT (_sardonically, and sotto voce_).
Ah, this is something _like_ a rollick now.
"Consequences," eh?
ALGY (_who has overheard--in a savage undertone_).
If that isn't good enough for you, suggest something better--or shut up!
[MR.
L.
_prefers the latter alternative_.
MR.
C.
Now, then, have you given everybody a piece of paper, Emily?
Caroline, you're going to play--we can't leave _you_ out of it.
AUNT CAROLINE.
No, James, I'd rather look on, and see you all enjoying yourselves--I've _no_ animal spirits now!
MR.
C.
Oh, nonsense!
Christmas-time, you know.
Let's be jolly while we can--give her a pencil, Emily!
AUNT C.
No, I can't, really.
You must excuse me.
I know I'm a wet blanket; but, when I think that I mayn't be with you another Christmas, we may _most_ of us be dead by then, why--(_sobs_).
FRED (_the Family Failure_).
That's right, Mater--trust you to see the humorous side of everything!
ANOTHER AUNT.
For shame, Fred!
If you don't know who is responsible for your poor mother's low spirits, others do!
[_The Family Failure collapses_ MR.
LIMPETT.
Well, as we've all got pencils, is there any reason why the revelry should not commence?
MR.
C.
No--don't let's waste any more time.
Miss Zeffie says she will write down on the top of her paper "Who met whom" (must be a Lady and Gentleman in the party, you know), then she folds it down, and passes it on to the next, who writes, "What he said to her"--the next, "What she said to him"--next, "What the consequences were," and the last, "What the world said."
Capital game--first-rate.
Now, then!
[_The whole party pass papers in silence from one to another, and scribble industriously with knitted brows.
_ MR.
C.
Time's up, all of you.
I'll read the first paper aloud.
(_Glances at it, and explodes.
_) He-he!
--this is really very funny.
(_Reads.
_) "Uncle Joseph met Aunt Caroline at the--ho--ho!
--the Empire!
He said to her, '_What are the wild waves saying!
_' and she said to him, 'It's time you were taken away!'
The consequences were that they both went and had their hair cut, and the world said they had always suspected there was something between them!"
UNCLE J.
I consider that a piece of confounded impertinence!
[_Puffs.
_ AUNT C.
It's not true.
I _never_ met Joseph at the Empire.
I don't go to such places.
I _didn't_ think I should be insulted like this--(_Weeps_)--on Christmas too!
AUNTS' CHORUS.
Fred _again_!
[_They regard the_ FAMILY FAILURE _indignantly_.
MR.
C.
There, there, it was all fun--no harm meant.
I'll read the next.
"Mr. Limpett met Miss Zeffie in the Burlington Arcade.
He said to her, 'O, you little duck!'
She said to him, 'Fowls are cheap to-day!'
The consequences were that they never smiled again, and the world said, 'What price hot potatoes?'
" (_Everybody looks depressed.
_) H'm--not bad--but I think we'll play something else now.
[ZEFFIE _perceives that_ ALGY _is not pleased with her_.
TOMMY (_to_ UNCLE JOSEPH).
Uncle, why didn't _you_ carve at dinner?
UNCLE J.
Well, Tommy, because the carving was done at a side table--and uncommon badly done, too.
Why do you want to know?
TOMMY.
Parpar thought you _would_ carve, I know.
He told Mummy she must ask you, because-- MRS.
C.
(_with a prophetic instinct_).
Now, Tommy, you mustn't tease your Uncle.
Come away, and tell your new Aunt Zeffie what you're going to do with your Christmas boxes.
TOMMY.
But mayn't I tell him what Parpar said, first?
MRS.
C.
No, no; by and by--not now!
[_She averts the danger.
_ [_Later; the Company are playing "Hide the Thimble"; i. e. , someone has planted that article in a place so conspicuous that few would expect to find it there.
As each person catches sight of it, he or she sits down.
_ UNCLE JOSEPH _is still, to the general merriment, wandering about and getting angrier every moment_.
MR.
C.
That's it, Uncle, you're _warm_--you're _getting_ warm!
UNCLE J.
(_boiling over_).
_Warm_, Sir?
_I am_ warm--and something more, I can tell you!
[_Sits down with a bump.
_ MR.
C.
You haven't _seen_ it!
I'm sure you haven't seen it.
Come now, Uncle!
[Illustration: "_Warm_, SIR?
I _am_ WARM--AND SOMETHING MORE!"
] UNCLE J.
Never mind whether I have or have not.
Perhaps I don't _want_ to see it, Sir!
THE CHILDREN.
Then do you give it up?
Do you want to be told?
Why, it's staring you in the face all the time!
UNCLE J.
I don't care whether it's staring or not--I don't want to be told anything more about it.
THE CHILDREN.
Then you're _cheating_, Uncle--you must go on walking till you _do_ see it!
UNCLE J.
Oh, that's it, eh?
Very well, then--I'll walk!
[_Walks out, leaving the company paralysed.
_ MRS.
C.
Run after him, Tommy, and tell him--quick!
[_Exit_ TOMMY.
MR.
C.
(_feebly_).
I think when Uncle Joseph does come back, we'd better try to think of some game he _can't_ lose his temper at.
Ah, here's Tommy!
TOMMY.
I _told_ him--but he went all the same, and slammed the door.
He said I was to go back and tell you that you would find he _was_ cut up--and cut up rough, too!
MRS.
C.
But what did you tell _him_?
TOMMY.
Why, only that Parpar asked him to come to-night because he was sure to cut up well.
You said I might!
[_Sensation; Prompt departure of_ TOMMY _for bed; moralising by Aunts; a spirit of perfect candour prevails; names are called--also cabs; further hostilities postponed till next Christmas_.
