Voces Populi — On the Ice
On the Ice.
SCENE--_The Serpentine.
On the bank, several persons are having their skates put on; practised Skaters being irritable and impatient, and others curiously the reverse, at any delay in the operation_.
CHORUS OF UNEMPLOYED SKATE-FASTENERS.
'Oo'll 'ave a pair on for an hour?
Good Sport to-day, Sir!
Try a pair on, Mum!
(_to any particularly stout Lady_).
Will yer walk inter _my_ porler, Sir?
corpet all the w'y!
'Ad the pleasure o' puttin' on your skites last year, Miss!
Best skates in London, Sir!
[_Exhibiting a primaeval pair.
_ THE USUAL COMIC COCKNEY (_to his Friend, who has undertaken to instruct him_).
No _'urry_, old man--this joker ain't _arf_ finished with me yet!
(_To_ SKATE-FASTENER.
) Easy with that jimlet, Guv'nor.
My 'eel ain't 'orn, like a 'orse's 'oof!
If you're goin' to strap me up as toight as all that, I shell 'ave to go to _bed_ in them skites!...
Well, what is it _now_?
SKATE-FASTENER.
Reg'lar thing fur Gen'lm'n as 'ires skates ter leave somethink be'ind, jest as security like--_anythink_'ll do--a gold watch and chain, if yer got sech a thing about yer!
THE C.
C.
Oh, I dessay--not _me_!
SKATE-F.
(_wounded_).
Why, yer needn't be afroid!
_I_ shorn't run away--you'll find _me_ 'ere when yer come back!
THE C.
C.
Ah, that _will_ be noice!
But all the sime, a watch is a thing that slips out of mind so easy, yer know.
You might go and forgit all about it.
'Ere's a match-box instead; it ain't silver!
SKATE-F.
(_with respect_).
Ah, you _do_ know the world, _you_ do!
THE C.
C.
Now, Alf, old man, I'm ready for yer!
Give us 'old of yer 'and....
Go slow now.
What's the Vestry about not to put some gravel down 'ere?
It's downright dangerous!
Whoo-up!
Blowed if I ain't got some other party's legs on!...
Sloide more?
Whadjer torking about!
I'm sloidin' every way at once, _I_ am!...
Stroike out?
I've struck sparks enough out of the back o' my 'ed, if that's all!...
Git up?
Ketch me!
I'm a deal syfer settin' dayown, and I'll sty 'ere!
[_He stays.
_ A NERVOUS SKATER (_hobbling cautiously down the bank--to Friend_).
I--I
don't know how I shall _be_ in these, you know--haven't had a pair on for years.
(_Striking out.
_) Well, come--(_relieved_)--skating's one of those things you never forget--all a question of poise and equi--confound the things!
No, I'm all right, thanks--lump in the ice, that's all!
As I was saying, skating soon comes back to--thought I was gone that time!
Stick by me, old fellow, till I begin to feel my--Oh, hang it _all_!...
Eh?
surely we have been on more than five minutes!
Worst of skating is, your feet get so cold!...
These _are_ beastly skates.
Did you hear that crack?
Well, _you_ may stay on if you like, but I'm not going to risk _my_ life for a few minutes' pleasure!
[_He returns to bank.
_ THE FOND MOTHER (_from bank, to_ CHILDREN _on the ice_).
That's right.
Alma, you're doing it _beautifully_--don't _walk_ so much!
(_To_ FRENCH GOVERNESS).
Alma fay bocoo de progray, may elle ne glisse assez--nayse par, Ma'amzell?
MADEMOISELLE.
C'est Ella qui est la plus habile, elle patine deja tres bien--et avec un aplomb!
THE F.
M.
Wee-wee; may Ella est la plus viaile, vous savvy.
Look at Ella, Alma, and see how _she_ does it!
MAD.
Vous marchez toujours--toujours, Alma; tachez donc de glisser un petit peu--c'est beaucoup plus facile!
ALMA.
Snay pas facile quand vous avez les skates toutes sur un cote--comme _moi_, Ma'amzell!
F.
M.
Ne repondy a Ma'amzell, Alma, and watch Ella!
ELLA.
Regardez-moi, Alma.
Je puis voler vite--oh, mais vite ...
oh I _have_ hurt myself so!
ALMA (_with sisterly sympathy.
_) _That's_ what comes of trying to show _off_, Ella, darling!
[ELLA _is helped to the bank_.
A PATERNAL SKATE-FASTENER.
'Ere you are, Missie--set down on this 'ere cheer--and you, too, my little dear--lor, _they_ won't do them cheers no 'arm, Mum, bless their little 'arts!
Lemme tyke yer little skites orf, my pooties.
_I'll_ be keerful, Mum--got childring o' my own at 'ome--the moral o' _your_ two, Mum!
[Illustration: "SNAY PAS FACILE QUAND VOUS AVEZ LES SKATES TOUTES SUR UN COTE--COMME MOI!"
] THE F.
M.
(_to_ GOVERNESS).
Sayt un homme avec un bong ker.
Avez-vous--er--des cuivres, Ma'amzell?
THE P.
S.
(_disgustedly_).
Wot?
--only two bloomin' browns fur tykin' the skites orf them two kids' trotters!
I want a shellin' orf o' you fur that job, _I_ do....
"Not another penny?"
Well, if you do everythink as cheap as you do yer skiting, you orter be puttin' money by, _you_ ought!
That's right, tyke them snivellin' kids 'ome--blow me if ever I--&c. , &c. , &c. [_Exit party, pursued by powerful metaphors.
_ THE EGOTISTIC SKATER (_in charge of a small_ NIECE).
Just see if you can get along by yourself a little--I'll come back presently.
Practise striking out.
THE NIECE.
But, Uncle, directly I strike out, I fall down!
THE E.
S.
(_encouragingly_).
You will at first, till you get into it--gives you confidence.
Keep on at it--don't stand about, or you'll catch cold.
I shall be keeping my eye on you!
[_Skates off to better ice.
_ THE FANCY SKATER (_to less accomplished_ FRIEND).
This is a pretty figure--sort of variation of the "Cross Cut," ending up with "The Vine";
it's done this way (_illustrating_), quarter of circle on outside edge forwards; then sudden stop----(_He sits down with violence_).
Didn't quite come off that time!
THE FRIEND.
The sudden stop came off right enough, old fellow!
THE F.
S.
I'll show you again--it's really a neat thing when it's well done; you do it all on one leg, like this---- [_Executes an elaborate back-fall.
_ HIS FRIEND.
You seem to do most of it on no legs at all, old chap!
THE F.
S.
Haven't practised it lately, that's all.
Now here's a figure I invented myself.
"The Swooping Hawk" I call it.
HIS FRIEND (_unkindly--as the_ F. S.
_comes down in the form of a St. Andrew's Cross_).
Y--yes.
More like a Spread Eagle though, ain't it?
PRETTY GIRL (_to_ Mr. ACKMEY, _who has been privileged to take charge of herself and her_ PLAIN SISTER).
Do come and tell me if I'm doing it right, Mr. Ackmey.
You _said_ you'd go round with me!
[Illustration: "GO IT, OLE FRANKY, MY SON!"
] THE PLAIN S.
How can you be so _selfish_, Florrie?
You've had ever so much more practice than _I_ have!
Mr. Ackmey, I wish you'd look at my left boot--it _will_ go like that.
Is it my ankle--or what?
And this strap _is_ hurting me so!
Couldn't you loosen it, or take me back to the man, or something?
Florrie can get on quite well alone, can't she?
MR.
A.
(_temporising feebly_).
Er--suppose I give _each_ of you a hand, eh?
THE PLAIN S.
No; I can't go along fast, like you and Florrie.
You promised to look after me, and I'm perfectly helpless alone!
THE PRETTY S.
Then, am I to go by myself, Mr. Ackmey?
MR.
A.
I--I think--just for a little, if you don't mind!
THE PRETTY S.
Mind?
Not a bit!
There's Clara Willoughby and her brother on the next ring, I'll go over to them.
Take good care of Alice, Mr. Ackmey.
Good-bye for the present.
[_She goes_; ALICE _doesn't think_ MR. A.
_is "nearly so nice as he used to be."
_ THE RECKLESS ROUGH.
Now then, I'm on 'ere.
Clear the way, all of yer!
Parties must look out fur themselves when they see _me_ a comin', I carn't stop fur nobody!
[_Rushes round the ring at a tremendous pace.
_ AN ADMIRING SWEEPER (_following his movements with enthusiasm_).
Theer he goes--the Ornimental Skyter!
Look at 'im a buzzin' round!
Lor, it's a treat to see 'im bowlin' 'em all over like a lot er bloomin' ninepins!
Go it, ole Franky, my son--don't you stop to apollergise!...
Ah, there he goes on his nut agen!
_'E_ don't care, not _'e_!...
Orf he goes agin!...
That's _another_ on 'em down, and ole Franky atop--'e'll 'ave the ring all to 'isself presently!
Up agin!
Oh, ain't he _lovely_!
I
never see his loike afore nowheres....
_Round_ yer go--that's the stoyle!
My eyes, if he ain't upset another--a lydy this time--she's done _'er_ skytin fur the d'y any 'ow!
and ole Frank knocked silly....
Well, I ain't larfed ser much in all my life!
[_He is left laughing.
_ In a Fog.
