Voces Populi — In an Omnibus
In an Omnibus.
_The majority of the inside passengers, as usual, sit in solemn silence, and gaze past their opposite neighbours into vacancy.
A couple of Matrons converse in wheezy whispers_.
FIRST MATRON.
Well, I must say a bus is pleasanter riding than what they used to be not many years back, and then so much cheaper, too.
Why you can go all the way right from here to Mile End Road for threepence!
SECOND MATRON.
What, all that way for threepence--(_with an impulse of vague humanity_).
The _poor_ 'orses!
FIRST MATRON.
Ah, well, my dear, it's Competition, you know,--it don't do to think too much of it.
CONDUCTOR (_stopping the bus_).
Orchard Street, Lady!
[_To_ SECOND MATRON, _who had desired to be put down there_.
SECOND MATRON (_to_ CONDUCTOR).
Just move on a few doors further, opposite the boot-shop.
(_To_ FIRST MATRON.
) It will save us walking.
CONDUCTOR.
Cert'inly, Mum, we'll drive in and wait while you're tryin' 'em on, if you like--_we_ ain't in no 'urry!
[_The_ MATRONS _get out, and their places are taken by two young girls, who are in the middle of a conversation of thrilling interest_.
FIRST GIRL.
I never liked her myself--ever since the way she behaved at his Mother's that Sunday.
SECOND GIRL.
How _did_ she behave?
[_A faint curiosity is discernible amongst the other passengers to learn how she--whoever she is--behaved that Sunday.
_ FIRST GIRL.
Why, it was you _told_ me!
You remember.
That night Joe let out about her and the automatic scent fountain.
SECOND GIRL.
Oh, yes, I remember now.
(_General disappointment.
_) I
couldn't help laughing myself.
Joe didn't ought to have told--but she needn't have got into such a state over it, _need_ she?
FIRST GIRL.
That was Eliza all over.
If George had been sensible, he'd have broken it off then and there--but no, he wouldn't hear a word against her, not at that time--it was the button-hook opened _his_ eyes!
[_The other passengers strive to dissemble a frantic desire to know how and why this delicate operation was performed.
_ SECOND GIRL (_mysteriously_).
And enough too!
But what put George off most was her keeping that bag so quiet.
[_The general imagination is once more stirred to its depths by this mysterious allusion.
_ FIRST GIRL.
Yes, he did feel that, I know, he used to come and go on about it to me by the hour together.
"I shouldn't have minded so much," he told me over and over again, with the tears standing in his eyes,--"if it hadn't been that the bottles was all silver-mounted!"
SECOND GIRL.
Silver-mounted?
I never heard of _that_ before--no wonder he felt hurt!
FIRST GIRL (_impressively_).
Silver tops to every one of them--and that girl to turn round as she did, and her with an Uncle in the oil and colour line, too--it nearly broke George's 'art!
SECOND GIRL.
He's such a one to take on about things--but, as I said to him, "George," I says, "You must remember it might have been worse.
Suppose you'd been married to that girl, and _then_ found out about Alf and the Jubilee sixpence--how would _that_ have been?"
FIRST GIRL (_unconsciously acting as the mouthpiece of the other passengers_).
And what did he say to _that_?
SECOND GIRL.
Oh, nothing--there was nothing he _could_ say, but I could see he was struck.
She behaved very mean to the last--she wouldn't send back the German concertina.
FIRST GIRL.
You don't say so!
Well, I wouldn't have thought that of her, bad as she is.
SECOND GIRL.
No, she stuck to it that it wasn't like a regular present, being got through a grocer, and as she couldn't send him back the tea, being drunk,--but did you hear how she treated Emma over the crinoline 'at she got for her?
FIRST GIRL (_to the immense relief of the rest_).
No, what was that?
SECOND GIRL.
Well, I had it from Emma her own self.
Eliza wrote up to her and says, in a postscript like,--Why, this is Tottenham Court Road, I get out here.
Good-bye, dear, I must tell you the rest another day.
[_Gets out, leaving the tantalised audience inconsolable, and longing for courage to question her companion as to the precise details of Eliza's heartless behaviour to George.
The companion, however, relapses into a stony reserve.
Enter a_ CHATTY OLD GENTLEMAN _who has no secrets from anybody, and of course selects as the first recipient of his confidence the one person who hates to be talked to in an omnibus_.
THE CHATTY O.
G.
I've just been having a talk with the policeman at the corner there--what do you think I said to him?
HIS OPPOSITE NEIGHBOUR.
I--I really don't know.
THE C.
O.
G.
Well, I told him he was a rich man compared to me.
He said "I only get thirty shillings a week, Sir."
"Ah," I said, "but look at your expenses, compared to mine.
What would _you_ do if you had to spend eight hundred a year on your children's education?"
I spend that--every penny of it, Sir.
HIS OPP.
N.
(_utterly uninterested_).
Do you indeed?
--dear me!
C. O.
G.
Not that I grudge it--a good education is a fortune in itself, and as I've always told my boys, they must make the best of it, for it's all they'll get.
They're good enough lads, but I've had a deal of trouble with them one way and another--a _deal_ of trouble.
(_Pauses for some expression of sympathy--which does not come--and he continues_:) There are my two eldest sons--what must they do but fall in love with the same lady--the same lady, Sir!
(_No one seems to care much for these domestic revelations--possibly because they are too_ _obviously addressed to the general ear_).
And, to make matters worse, she was a married woman--(_his principal hearer looks another way uneasily_)--the wife of a godson of mine, which made it all the more awkward, y'know.
(HIS OPPOSITE NEIGHBOUR _giving no sign, the_ C. O.
G.
_tries one Passenger after another_.
) Well, I went to him--(_here he fixes an old Lady, who immediately passes up coppers out of her glove to the_ CONDUCTOR)--I went to him, and said--(_addressing a smartly dressed young Lady with a parcel who giggles_)--I said, "You're a man of the world--so am I. Don't you take any notice," I told him--(_this to a callow young man, who blushes_)--"they're a couple of young fools," I said, "but you tell your dear wife from me not to mind those boys of mine--they'll soon get tired of it if they're only let alone."
And so they would have, long ago, it's my belief, if they'd met with no encouragement--but what can _I_ do--it's a heavy trial to a father, you know.
Then there's my third son--he must needs go and marry--(_to a Lady at his side with a reticule, who gasps faintly_)--some young woman who dances at a Music-hall--nice daughter-in-law that for a man in my position, eh?
I've forbidden him the house of course, and told his mother not to have any communication with him--but I know, Sir,--(_violently, to a Man on his other side, who coughs in much embarrassment_)--I _know_ she meets him once a week under the eagle in Orme Square, and _I_ can't stop her!
Then I'm worried about my daughters--one of 'em gave me no peace till I let her have some painting lessons--of course, I naturally thought the drawing-master would be an elderly man--whereas, as things turned out,---- A QUIET MAN IN A CORNER.
I 'ope you told all this to the Policeman, Sir?
THE C.
O.
G.
(_flaming unexpectedly_).
No, Sir, I did _not_.
I am not in the habit--whatever _you_ may be--of discussing my private affairs with strangers.
I consider your remark highly impertinent, Sir.
[_Fumes in silence for the rest of the journey.
_ THE YOUNG LADY WITH THE PARCEL (_to her friend--for the sake of vindicating her gentility_).
Oh, my dear, _I_ do feel so funny, carrying a great brown-paper parcel, in a bus, too!
Any one would take me for a shop-girl!
[Illustration: "GO 'OME, DIRTY DICK!"
] A GRIM OLD LADY OPPOSITE.
And I only hope, my dear, you'll never be taken for any one less respectable.
[_Collapse of_ GENTEEL Y. L.
FIRST HUMOROUS 'ARRY (_recognising a friend on entering_).
Excuse me stoppin' your kerridge, old man, but I thought you wouldn't mind givin' me a lift, as you was goin' my way.
SECOND H.
'A. Quite welcome, old chap, so long as you give my man a bit when you git down, yer know.
FIRST H.
'A. Oh, o' course--that's expected between gentlemen.
(_Both look round to see if their facetiousness is appreciated, find it is not and subside.
_) THE CONDUCTOR.
Benk, benk!
(_he means "Bank"_) 'Oborn, benk!
'Igher up there, Bill, can't you?
A DINGY MAN SMOKING, IN A VAN.
Want to block up the ole o' the road, eh?
That's right!
THE CONDUCTOR (_roused to personality_).
Go 'ome, Dirty Dick!
syme old soign, I see,--"Monkey an' Poipe!"
(_To Coachman of smart brougham which is pressing rather closely behind.
_) I say old man, don't you race after my bus like this--you'll only tire your 'orse.
[_The Coachman affects not to have heard.
_ THE CONDUCTOR (_addressing the brougham horse, whose head is almost through the door of the omnibus_).
'Ere, _'ang_ it all!
--step insoide, if yer want to!
[_Brougham falls to rear--triumph of_ CONDUCTOR _as Scene closes_.
