Recruiting Officer — Act 3
_Enter_ PLUME _and_ WORTHY.
_Wor.
_ I cannot forbear admiring the equality of our fortunes: we love two ladies, they meet us half way, and just as we were upon the point of leaping into their arms, fortune drops in their laps, pride possesses their hearts, a maggot fills their heads, madness takes them by the tails; they snort, kick up their heels, and away they run.
_Plume.
_ And leave us here to mourn upon the shore--a couple of poor melancholy monsters.
What shall we do?
_Wor.
_ I have a trick for mine; the letter, you know, and the fortune-teller.
_Plume.
_ And I have a trick for mine.
_Wor.
_ What is't?
_Plume.
_ I'll never think of her again.
_Wor.
_ No!
_Plume.
_ No; I think myself above administering to the pride of any woman, were she worth twelve thousand a-year; and I ha'n't the vanity to believe I shall gain a lady worth twelve hundred.
The generous, goodnatured Sylvia, in her smock, I admire; but the haughty and scornful Sylvia, with her fortune, I despise.
--What!
sneak out of town, and not so much as a word, a line, a compliment!
--'Sdeath!
how far off does she live?
I'll go and break her windows.
_Wor.
_ Ha!
ha!
ha!
ay, and the window-bars too, to come at her.
Come, come, friend, no more of your rough military airs.
_Enter_ KITE.
_Kite.
_ Captain!
captain!
Sir, look yonder; she's a-coming this way.
'Tis the prettiest, cleanest, little tit!
_Plume.
_ Now, Worthy, to show you how much I'm in love--here she comes.
But, Kite, what is that great country fellow with her?
_Kite.
_ I can't tell, sir.
_Enter_ ROSE, _followed by her Brother_ BULLOCK, _with Chickens on her Arm, in a Basket_.
_Rose.
_ Buy chickens, young and tender chickens, young and tender chickens.
_Plume.
_ Here, you chickens.
_Rose.
_ Who calls?
_Plume.
_ Come hither, pretty maid.
_Rose.
_ Will you please to buy, sir?
_Wor.
_ Yes, child, we'll both buy.
_Plume.
_ Nay, Worthy, that's not fair; market for yourself--Come, child, I'll buy all you have.
_Rose.
_ Then all I have is at your service.
[_Courtesies.
_ [Illustration: RECRUITING OFFICER
CAPTAIN PLUME--LET ME SEE; YOUNG & TENDER YOU SAY.
ACT III SCENE I]
_Wor.
_ Then must I shift for myself, I find.
[_Exit.
_ _Plume.
_ Let me see; young and tender, you say.
[_Chucks her under the Chin.
_ _Rose.
_ As ever you tasted in your life, sir.
_Plume.
_ Come, I must examine your basket to the bottom, my dear!
_Rose.
_ Nay, for that matter, put in your hand; feel, sir; I warrant my ware is as good as any in the market.
_Plume.
_ And I'll buy it all, child, were it ten times more.
_Rose.
_ Sir, I can furnish you.
_Plume.
_ Come, then, we won't quarrel about the price; they're fine birds.
--Pray, what's your name, pretty creature!
_Rose.
_ Rose, sir.
My father is a farmer within three short miles o' the town: we keep this market; I sell chickens, eggs, and butter, and my brother Bullock there sells corn.
_Bul.
_ Come, sister, haste--we shall be late home.
[_Whistles about the Stage.
_ _Plume.
_ Kite!
[_Tips him the wink, he returns it.
_] Pretty Mrs. Rose--you have--let me see--how many?
_Rose.
_ A dozen, sir, and they are richly worth a crown.
_Bul.
_ Come, Rouse; I sold fifty strake of barley to-day in half this time; but you will higgle and higgle for a penny more than the commodity is worth.
_Rose.
_ What's that to you, oaf?
I can make as much out of a groat as you can out of fourpence, I'm sure--The gentleman bids fair, and when I meet with a chapman, I know how to make the best of him--And so, sir, I say for a crown-piece the bargain's yours.
_Plume.
_ Here's a guinea, my dear!
_Rose.
_ I can't change your money, sir.
_Plume.
_ Indeed, indeed, but you can--my lodging is hard by, chicken!
and we'll make change there.
[_Goes off, she follows him.
_ _Kite.
_ So, sir, as I was telling you, I have seen one of these hussars eat up a ravelin for his breakfast, and afterwards pick his teeth with a palisado.
_Bul.
_ Ay, you soldiers see very strange things; but pray, sir, what is a rabelin?
_Kite.
_ Why, 'tis like a modern minc'd pie, but the crust is confounded hard, and the plums are somewhat hard of digestion.
_Bul.
_ Then your palisado, pray what may he be?
Come, Rouse, pray ha' done.
_Kite.
_ Your palisado is a pretty sort of bodkin, about the thickness of my leg.
_Bul.
_ That's a fib, I believe.
[_Aside.
_] Eh!
where's Rouse?
Rouse, Rouse!
'Sflesh!
where's Rouse gone?
_Kite.
_ She's gone with the captain.
_Bul.
_ The captain!
wauns!
there's no pressing of women, sure.
_Kite.
_ But there is, sure.
_Bul.
_ If the captain should press Rouse, I should be ruined----Which way went she?
Oh!
the devil take your rabelins and palisadoes!
[_Exit.
_ _Kite.
_ You shall be better acquainted with them, honest Bullock, or I shall miss of my aim.
_Enter_ WORTHY.
_Wor.
_ Why thou art the most useful fellow in nature to your captain, admirable in your way I find.
_Kite.
_ Yes, sir, I understand my business, I will say it.
_Wor.
_ How came you so qualified?
_Kite.
_ You must know, sir, I was born a gipsy, and bred among that crew till I was ten years old; there I learned canting and lying: I was bought from my mother Cleopatra by a certain nobleman for three pistoles, there I learned impudence and pimping: I was turned off for wearing my lord's linen, and drinking my lady's ratafia, and turned bailiff's follower; there I learned bullying and swearing: I at last got into the army; and there I learned whoring and drinking--so that if your worship pleases to cast up the whole sum, viz.
canting, lying, impudence, pimping, bullying, swearing, whoring, drinking, and a halberd, you will find the sum total amount to a Recruiting Serjeant.
_Wor.
_ And pray what induced you to turn soldier?
_Kite.
_ Hunger and ambition.
But here comes Justice Balance.
_Enter_ BALANCE _and_ BULLOCK.
_Bal.
_ Here you, serjeant, where's your captain?
here's a poor foolish fellow comes clamouring to me with a complaint that your captain has pressed his sister.
Do you know any thing of this matter, Worthy?
_Wor.
_ Ha!
ha!
ha!
I know his sister is gone with Plume to his lodging, to sell him some chickens.
_Bal.
_ Is that all?
the fellow's a fool.
_Bul.
_ I know that, an't like your worship; but if your worship pleases to grant me a warrant to bring her before your worship, for fear of the worst.
_Bal.
_ Thou'rt mad, fellow; thy sister's safe enough.
_Kite.
_ I hope so too.
[_Aside.
_ _Wor.
_ Hast thou no more sense, fellow, than to believe that the captain can list women?
_Bul.
_ I know not whether they list them, or what they do with them, but I'm sure they carry as many women as men with them out of the country.
_Bal.
_ But how came you not to go along with your sister?
_Bul.
_ Lord, sir, I thought no more of her going than I do of the day I shall die: but this gentleman here, not suspecting any hurt neither, I believe--you thought no harm, friend, did you?
_Kite.
_ Lack-a-day, sir, not I----only that I believe I shall marry her to-morrow.
_Bal.
_ I begin to smell powder.
Well, friend, but what did that gentleman with you?
_Bul.
_ Why, sir, he entertained me with a fine story of a great sea-fight between the Hungarians, I think it was, and the wild Irish.
_Kite.
_ And so, sir, while we were in the heat of battle--the captain carried off the baggage.
_Bal.
_ Serjeant, go along with this fellow to your captain, give him my humble service, and desire him to discharge the wench, though he has listed her.
_Bul.
_ Ay, and if she ben't free for that, he shall have another man in her place.
_Kite.
_ Come, honest friend, you shall go to my quarters instead of the captain's. [_Aside.
_ [_Exeunt_ KITE _and_ BULLOCK.
_Bal.
_ We must get this mad captain his complement of men, and send him packing, else he'll overrun the country.
_Wor.
_ You see, sir, how little he values your daughter's disdain.
_Bal.
_ I like him the better: I was just such another fellow at his age: But how goes your affair with Melinda?
_Wor.
_ Very slowly.
My mistress has got a captain too, but such a captain!
--as I live, yonder he comes!
_Bal.
_ Who, that bluff fellow in the sash?
I don't know him.
_Wor.
_ But I engage he knows you and every body at first sight: his impudence were a prodigy, were not his ignorance proportionable; he has the most universal acquaintance of any man living, for he won't be alone, and nobody will keep him company twice: then he's a CÊsar among the women, _veni, vidi, vici_, that's all.
If he has but talked with the maid, he swears he has lain with the mistress: but the most surprising part of his character is his memory, which is the most prodigious and the most trifling in the world.
_Bal.
_ I have known another acquire so much by travel as to tell you the names of most places in Europe, with their distances of miles, leagues, or hours, as punctually as a postboy; but for any thing else as ignorant as the horse that carries the mail.
_Wor.
_ This is your man, sir, add but the traveller's privilege of lying, and even that he abuses: this is the picture, behold the life.
_Enter_ BRAZEN.
_Brazen.
_ Mr. Worthy, I'm your servant, and so forth--Harkye, my dear!
_Wor.
_ Whispering, sir, before company, is not manners, and when nobody's by 'tis foolish.
_Brazen.
_ Company!
_mort de ma vie!
_ I beg the gentleman's pardon--who is he?
_Wor.
_ Ask him.
_Brazen.
_ So I will.
My dear!
I am your servant, and so forth--Your name, my dear?
_Bal.
_ Very laconic, sir.
_Brazen.
_ Laconic!
a very good name truly.
I have known several of the Laconics abroad.
Poor Jack Laconic!
he was killed at the battle of Landen.
I remember that he had a blue ribband in his hat that very day, and after he fell, we found a piece of neat's tongue in his pocket.
_Bal.
_ Pray, sir, did the French attack us, or we them, at Landen?
_Brazen.
_ The French attack us!
No, sir, we attacked them on the----I have reason to remember the time, for I had two-and-twenty horses killed under me that day.
_Wor.
_ Then, sir, you must have rid mighty hard.
_Bal.
_ Or, perhaps, sir, like my countrymen, you rid upon half a dozen horses at once.
_Brazen.
_ What do ye mean, gentlemen?
I tell you they were killed, all torn to pieces by cannon-shot, except six I staked to death upon the enemy's _cheveaux de frise_.
_Bal.
_ Noble captain!
may I crave your name?
_Brazen.
_ Brazen, at your service.
_Bal.
_ Oh, Brazen!
a very good name.
I have known several of the Brazens abroad.
_Wor.
_ Do you know one Captain Plume, sir?
_Brazen.
_ Is he any thing related to Frank Plume in Northamptonshire?
--Honest Frank!
many, many a dry bottle have we cracked hand to fist.
You must have known his brother Charles, that was concerned in the India company; he married the daughter of Old Tonguepad, the master in Chancery, a very pretty woman, only she quinted a little; she died in child-bed of her first child, but the child survived: 'twas a daughter, but whether it was called Margaret or Margery, upon my soul, I can't remember.
[_Looking on his Watch.
_] But, gentlemen, I must meet a lady, a twenty thousand pounder, presently, upon the walk by the water--Worthy, your servant; Laconic, yours.
[_Exit.
_ _Bal.
_ If you can have so mean an opinion of Melinda, as to be jealous of this fellow, I think she ought to give you cause to be so.
_Wor.
_ I don't think she encourages him so much for gaining herself a lover, as to set up a rival.
Were there any credit to be given to his words, I should believe Melinda had made him this assignation.
I must go see, sir, you'll pardon me.
[_Exit.
_ _Bal.
_ Ay, ay, sir, you're a man of business--But what have we got here?
_Enter_ ROSE, _singing_.
_Rose.
_ And I shall be a lady, a captain's lady, and ride single, upon a white horse with a star, upon a velvet side-saddle; and I shall go to London, and see the tombs, and the lions, and the king and queen.
Sir, an please your worship, I have often seen your worship ride through our grounds a-hunting, begging your worship's pardon.
Pray, what may this lace be worth a-yard?
[_Showing some Lace.
_ _Bal.
_ Right Mecklin, by this light!
Where did you get this lace, child?
_Rose.
_ No matter for that, sir; I came honestly by it.
_Bal.
_ I question it much.
[_Aside.
_ _Rose.
_ And see here, sir, a fine Turkey-shell snuff-box, and fine mangere: see here.
[_Takes Snuff affectedly.
