Recruiting Officer — Act 5
_Scale.
_ I say, 'tis not to be borne, Mr. Balance.
_Bal.
_ Lookye, Mr. Scale, for my own part I shall be very tender in what regards the officers of the army--I only speak in reference to Captain Plume--for the other spark I know nothing of.
_Scale.
_ Nor can I hear of any body that does--Oh!
here they come.
_Enter_ SYLVIA, BULLOCK, ROSE, PRISONERS, _and_ CONSTABLE.
_Const.
_ May it please your worships, we took them in the very act, _re infecta_, sir--The gentleman, indeed, behaved himself like a gentleman, for he drew his sword and swore, and afterwards laid it down and said nothing.
_Bal.
_ Give the gentleman his sword again--Wait you without.
[_Exeunt_ CONSTABLE _and_ WATCH.
] I'm sorry, sir, [_To_ SYLVIA.
] to know a gentleman upon such terms, that the occasion of our meeting should prevent the satisfaction of an acquaintance.
_Syl.
_ Sir, you need make no apology for your warrant, no more than I shall do for my behaviour--my innocence is upon an equal foot with your authority.
_Scale.
_ Innocence!
have you not seduced that young maid?
_Syl.
_ No, Mr. Goosecap, she seduced me.
_Bul.
_ So she did, I'll swear--for she proposed marriage first.
_Bal.
_ What, then you are married, child?
[_To_ ROSE.
_Rose.
_ Yes, sir, to my sorrow.
_Bal.
_ Who was witness?
_Bul.
_ That was I--I danc'd, threw the stocking, and spoke jokes by their bedside, I'm sure.
_Bal.
_ Who was the minister?
_Bul.
_ Minister!
we are soldiers, and want no minister--they were married by the articles of war.
_Bal.
_ Hold thy prating, fool----Your appearance, sir, promises some understanding; pray, what does this fellow mean?
_Syl.
_ He means marriage, I think--but that, you know, is so odd a thing, that hardly any two people under the sun agree in the ceremony;
but among soldiers 'tis most sacred--our sword, you know, is our honour, that we lay down--the Hero jumps over it first, and the Amazon after--Leap, rogue; follow, whore--the drum beats a ruff, and so to bed: that's all: the ceremony is concise.
_Bul.
_ And the prettiest ceremony, so full of pastime and prodigality---- _Bal.
_ What!
are you a soldier?
_Bul.
_ Ay, that I am--Will your worship lend me your cane, and I'll show you how I can exercise?
_Bal.
_ Take it.
[_Strikes him over the Head.
_]--Your name, pray, sir?
[_To_ SYLVIA.
_Syl.
_ Captain Pinch: I cock my hat with a pinch, I take snuff with a pinch, pay my whores with a pinch; in short, I can do any thing at a pinch but fight.
_Bal.
_ And pray, sir, what brought you into Shropshire?
_Syl.
_ A pinch, sir: I know you country gentlemen want wit, and you know that we town gentlemen want money, and so---- _Bal.
_ I understand you, sir--Here, constable---- _Enter_ CONSTABLE.
Take this gentleman into custody, till further orders.
_Rose.
_ Pray, your worship, don't be uncivil to him, for he did me no hurt; he's the most harmless man in the world, for all he talks so.
_Scale.
_ Come, come, child, I'll take care of you.
_Syl.
_ What, gentlemen, rob me of my freedom and my wife at once!
'tis the first time they ever went together.
_Bal.
_ Harkye, constable.
[_Whispers him.
_ _Const.
_ It shall be done, sir--come along, sir.
[_Exeunt_ CONSTABLE, BULLOCK, _and_ SYLVIA.
_Bal.
_ Come, Mr. Scale, we'll manage the spark presently.
[_Exeunt.
_ SCENE II.
_The Market Place.
_ _Enter_ PLUME _and_ KITE.
_Plume.
_ A baker, a tailor, a smith, butchers, carpenters, and journeymen shoemakers, in all thirty-nine--I believe the first colony planted in Virginia had not more trades in their company than I have in mine.
_Kite.
_ The butcher, sir, will have his hands full, for we have two sheep-stealers among us--I hear of a fellow, too, committed just now for stealing of horses.
_Plume.
_ We'll dispose of him among the dragoons--Have we never a poulterer among us?
_Kite.
_ Yes, sir, the king of the gipsies is a very good one; he has an excellent hand at a goose or a turkey--Here's Captain Brazen, sir.
I
must go look after the men.
_Enter_ BRAZEN, _reading a Letter_.
_Brazen.
_ Um, um, um, the canonical hour----Um, um, very well--My dear Plume!
give me a buss.
_Plume.
_ Half a score, if you will, my dear!
What hast got in thy hand, child?
_Brazen.
_ 'Tis a project for laying out a thousand pounds.
_Plume.
_ Were it not requisite to project first how to get it in?
_Brazen.
_ You can't imagine, my dear, that I want twenty thousand pounds!
I have spent twenty times as much in the service--But if this twenty thousand pounds should not be in specie---- _Plume.
_ What twenty thousand?
_Brazen.
_ Harkye---- [_Whispers.
_ _Plume.
_ Married!
_Brazen.
_ Presently; we're to meet about half a mile out of town, at the waterside--and so forth--[_Reads.
_] _For fear I should be known by any of Worthy's friends, you must give me leave to wear my mask till after the ceremony which will make me for ever yours.
_--Lookye there, my dear dog!
[_Shows the Bottom of the Letter to_ PLUME.
_Plume.
_ Melinda!
and by this light her own hand!
Once more, if you please, my dear--Her hand exactly--Just now, you say?
_Brazen.
_ This minute; I must be gone.
_Plume.
_ Have a little patience, and I'll go with you.
_Brazen.
_ No, no, I see a gentleman coming this way that may be inquisitive; 'tis Worthy, do you know him?
_Plume.
_ By sight only.
_Brazen.
_ Have a care, the very eyes discover secrets.
[_Exit.
_ _Enter_ WORTHY.
_Wor.
_ To boot and saddle, captain, you must mount.
_Plume.
_ Whip and spur, Worthy, or you won't mount.
_Wor.
_ But I shall; Melinda and I are agreed; she's gone to visit Sylvia, we are to mount and follow; and could we carry a parson with us, who knows what might be done for us both?
_Plume.
_ Don't trouble your head; Melinda has secured a parson already.
_Wor.
_ Already!
do you know more than I?
_Plume.
_ Yes, I saw it under her hand--Brazen and she are to meet half a mile hence, at the waterside, there to take boat, I suppose, to be ferried over to the Elysian Fields, if there be any such thing in matrimony.
_Wor.
_ I parted with Melinda just now; she assured me she hated Brazen, and that she resolved to discard Lucy for daring to write letters to him in her name.
_Plume.
_ Nay, nay, there's nothing of Lucy in this--I tell ye, I saw Melinda's hand as surely as this is mine.
_Wor.
_ But I tell you, she's gone this minute to Justice Balance's country-house.
_Plume.
_ But I tell you, she's gone this minute to the waterside.
_Enter a_ SERVANT.
_Serv.
_ Madam Melinda has sent word that you need not trouble yourself to follow her, because her journey to Justice Balance's is put off, and she's gone to take the air another way.
[_To_ WORTHY.
_Wor.
_ How!
her journey put off?
_Plume.
_ That is, her journey was a put off to you.
_Wor.
_ 'Tis plain, plain--But how, where, when is she to meet Brazen?
_Plume.
_ Just now, I tell you, half a mile hence, at the waterside.
_Wor.
_ Up or down the water?
_Plume.
_ That I don't know.
_Wor.
_ I'm glad my horses are ready--I shall return presently.
[_Exit.
_ _Plume.
_ You'll find me at the Hall: the justices are sitting by this time, and I must attend them.
[_Exit.
_ SCENE III.
_A Court of Justice.
_ BALANCE, SCALE, _and_ SCRUPLE, _upon the Bench_;
CONSTABLE, KITE, MOB.
KITE _and_ CONSTABLE _advance_.
_Kite.
_ Pray, who are those honourable gentlemen upon the bench?
_Const.
_ He in the middle is Justice Balance, he on the right is Justice Scale, and he on the left is Justice Scruple, and I am Mr. Constable;
four very honest gentlemen.
_Kite.
_ O dear, sir!
I am your most obedient servant.
[_Saluting the_ CONSTABLE.
] I fancy, sir, that your employment and mine are much the same; for my business is to keep people in order, and, if they disobey, to knock them down; and then we are both staff officers.
_Const.
_ Nay, I'm a serjeant myself--of the militia--Come, brother, you shall see me exercise.
Suppose this a musket; now I'm shouldered.
[_Puts his Staff on his right Shoulder.
_ _Kite.
_ Ay, you are shouldered pretty well for a constable's staff, but for a musket you must put it on the other shoulder, my dear!
_Const.
_ Adso!
that's true--Come, now give the word of command.
_Kite.
_ Silence.
_Const.
_ Ay, ay, so we will--we will be silent.
_Kite.
_ Silence, you dog, silence!
[_Strikes him over the Head with his Halbert.
_ _Const.
_ That's the way to silence a man with a witness.
What do you mean, friend?
_Kite.
_ Only to exercise you, sir.
_Const.
_ Your exercise differs so much from ours, that we shall ne'er agree about it; if my own captain had given me such a rap, I had taken the law of him.
_Enter_ PLUME.
_Bal.
_ Captain, you're welcome.
_Plume.
_ Gentlemen, I thank you.
_Scrup.
_ Come, honest captain, sit by me.
[PLUME _ascends, and sits upon the Bench_.
]--Now, produce your prisoners----Here, that fellow there, set him up.
Mr. Constable, what have you to say against this man?
_Const.
_ I have nothing to say against him, an' please you.
_Bal.
_ No; what made you bring him hither?
_Const.
_ I don't know, an' please your worship.
_Scale.
_ Did not the contents of your warrant direct you what sort of men to take up?
_Const.
_ I can't tell, an' please ye; I can't read.
_Scrup.
_ A very pretty constable, truly.
I find we have no business here.
_Kite.
_ May it please the worshipful bench, I desire to be heard in this case, as being the counsel for the king.
_Bal.
_ Come, serjeant, you shall be heard, since nobody else will speak;
we won't come here for nothing.
_Kite.
_ This man is but one man, the country may spare him, and the army wants him; besides, he's cut out by nature for a grenadier; he's five feet ten inches high; he shall box, wrestle, or dance the Cheshire round with any man in the country; he gets drunk every Sabbath-day, and he beats his wife.
_Wife.
_ You lie, sirrah, you lie; an please your worship, he's the best natured pains-taking'st man in the parish, witness my five poor children.
_Scrup.
_ A wife and five children?
you constable, you rogue, how durst you impress a man that has a wife and five children?
_Scale.
_ Discharge him, discharge him.
_Bal.
_ Hold, gentlemen.
Harkye, friend, how do you maintain your wife and five children?
_Plume.
_ They live upon wild-fowl and venison, sir; the husband keeps a gun, and kills all the hares and partridges within five miles round.
_Bal.
_ A gun!
nay if he be so good at gunning, he shall have enough on't. He may be of use against the French, for he shoots flying to be sure.
_Scrup.
_ But his wife and children, Mr. Balance?
_Wife.
_ Ay, ay, that's the reason you would send him away; you know I have a child every year, and you are afraid that they should come upon the parish at last.
_Plume.
_ Lookye there, gentlemen; the honest woman has spoke it at once;
the parish had better maintain five children this year, than six or seven the next.
That fellow, upon this high feeding, may get you two or three beggars at a birth.
_Wife.
_ Lookye, Mr. Captain, the parish shall get nothing by sending him away, for I won't lose my teeming-time, if there be a man left in the parish.
_Bal.
_ Send that woman to the house of correction,----and the man---- _Kite.
_ I'll take care of him, if you please.
[_Takes him down.
_ _Scale.
_ Here, you constable, the next.
Set up that black-faced fellow, he has a gunpowder look; what can you say against this man, constable?
_Const.
_ Nothing, but that he's a very honest man.
_Plume.
_ Pray, gentlemen, let me have one honest man in my company, for the novelty's sake.
_Bal.
_ What are you, friend?
_Mob.
_ A collier; I work in the coal-pits.
_Scrup.
_ Lookye, gentlemen, this fellow has a trade, and the act of parliament here expresses, that we are to impress no man that has any visible means of a livelihood.
_Kite.
_ May it please your worship, this man has no visible means of a livelihood, for he works underground.
_Plume.
_ Well said, Kite; besides, the army wants miners.
_Bal.
_ Right, and had we an order of government for't, we could raise you in this and the neighbouring county of Stafford, five hundred colliers, that would run you under ground like moles, and do more service in a siege, than all the miners in the army.
_Scrup.
_ Well, friend, what have you to say for yourself?
_Mob.
_ I'm married.
_Kite.
_ Lack-a-day!
so am I. _Mob.
_ Here's my wife, poor woman.
_Bal.
