History of Tom Jones, A Foundling — Bk 04: Ch 07-10

Being the shortest chapter in this book.

Her mother first perceived the alteration in the shape of Molly; and in order to hide it from her neighbours, she foolishly clothed her in that sack which Sophia had sent her; though, indeed, that young lady had little apprehension that the poor woman would have been weak enough to let any of her daughters wear it in that form.

Molly was charmed with the first opportunity she ever had of showing her beauty to advantage; for though she could very well bear to contemplate herself in the glass, even when dressed in rags; and though she had in that dress conquered the heart of Jones, and perhaps of some others; yet she thought the addition of finery would much improve her charms, and extend her conquests.

Molly, therefore, having dressed herself out in this sack, with a new laced cap, and some other ornaments which Tom had given her, repairs to church with her fan in her hand the very next Sunday.

The great are deceived if they imagine they have appropriated ambition and vanity to themselves.

These noble qualities flourish as notably in a country church and churchyard as in the drawing-room, or in the closet.

Schemes have indeed been laid in the vestry which would hardly disgrace the conclave.

Here is a ministry, and here is an opposition.

Here are plots and circumventions, parties and factions, equal to those which are to be found in courts.

Nor are the women here less practised in the highest feminine arts than their fair superiors in quality and fortune.

Here are prudes and coquettes.

Here are dressing and ogling, falsehood, envy, malice, scandal; in short, everything which is common to the most splendid assembly, or politest circle.

Let those of high life, therefore, no longer despise the ignorance of their inferiors; nor the vulgar any longer rail at the vices of their betters.

Molly had seated herself some time before she was known by her neighbours.

And then a whisper ran through the whole congregation, “Who is she?

” but when she was discovered, such sneering, gigling, tittering, and laughing ensued among the women, that Mr Allworthy was obliged to exert his authority to preserve any decency among them.

Chapter viii.

A battle sung by the muse in the Homerican style, and which none but the classical reader can taste.

Mr Western had an estate in this parish; and as his house stood at little greater distance from this church than from his own, he very often came to Divine Service here; and both he and the charming Sophia happened to be present at this time.

Sophia was much pleased with the beauty of the girl, whom she pitied for her simplicity in having dressed herself in that manner, as she saw the envy which it had occasioned among her equals.

She no sooner came home than she sent for the gamekeeper, and ordered him to bring his daughter to her; saying she would provide for her in the family, and might possibly place the girl about her own person, when her own maid, who was now going away, had left her.

Poor Seagrim was thunderstruck at this; for he was no stranger to the fault in the shape of his daughter.

He answered, in a stammering voice, “That he was afraid Molly would be too awkward to wait on her ladyship, as she had never been at service.

” “No matter for that,” says Sophia; “she will soon improve.

I am pleased with the girl, and am resolved to try her.

” Black George now repaired to his wife, on whose prudent counsel he depended to extricate him out of this dilemma; but when he came thither he found his house in some confusion.

So great envy had this sack occasioned, that when Mr Allworthy and the other gentry were gone from church, the rage, which had hitherto been confined, burst into an uproar; and, having vented itself at first in opprobrious words, laughs, hisses, and gestures, betook itself at last to certain missile weapons; which, though from their plastic nature they threatened neither the loss of life or of limb, were however sufficiently dreadful to a well-dressed lady.

Molly had too much spirit to bear this treatment tamely.

Having therefore--but hold, as we are diffident of our own abilities, let us here invite a superior power to our assistance.

Ye Muses, then, whoever ye are, who love to sing battles, and principally thou who whilom didst recount the slaughter in those fields where Hudibras and Trulla fought, if thou wert not starved with thy friend Butler, assist me on this great occasion.

All things are not in the power of all.

As a vast herd of cows in a rich farmer's yard, if, while they are milked, they hear their calves at a distance, lamenting the robbery which is then committing, roar and bellow; so roared forth the Somersetshire mob an hallaloo, made up of almost as many squalls, screams, and other different sounds as there were persons, or indeed passions among them: some were inspired by rage, others alarmed by fear, and others had nothing in their heads but the love of fun; but chiefly Envy, the sister of Satan, and his constant companion, rushed among the crowd, and blew up the fury of the women; who no sooner came up to Molly than they pelted her with dirt and rubbish.

Molly, having endeavoured in vain to make a handsome retreat, faced about; and laying hold of ragged Bess, who advanced in the front of the enemy, she at one blow felled her to the ground.

The whole army of the enemy (though near a hundred in number), seeing the fate of their general, gave back many paces, and retired behind a new-dug grave; for the churchyard was the field of battle, where there was to be a funeral that very evening.

Molly pursued her victory, and catching up a skull which lay on the side of the grave, discharged it with such fury, that having hit a taylor on the head, the two skulls sent equally forth a hollow sound at their meeting, and the taylor took presently measure of his length on the ground, where the skulls lay side by side, and it was doubtful which was the more valuable of the two.

Molly then taking a thigh-bone in her hand, fell in among the flying ranks, and dealing her blows with great liberality on either side, overthrew the carcass of many a mighty heroe and heroine.

Recount, O Muse, the names of those who fell on this fatal day.

First, Jemmy Tweedle felt on his hinder head the direful bone.

Him the pleasant banks of sweetly-winding Stour had nourished, where he first learnt the vocal art, with which, wandering up and down at wakes and fairs, he cheered the rural nymphs and swains, when upon the green they interweaved the sprightly dance; while he himself stood fiddling and jumping to his own music.

How little now avails his fiddle!

He thumps the verdant floor with his carcass.

Next, old Echepole, the sowgelder, received a blow in his forehead from our Amazonian heroine, and immediately fell to the ground.

He was a swinging fat fellow, and fell with almost as much noise as a house.

His tobacco-box dropped at the same time from his pocket, which Molly took up as lawful spoils.

Then Kate of the Mill tumbled unfortunately over a tombstone, which catching hold of her ungartered stocking inverted the order of nature, and gave her heels the superiority to her head.

Betty Pippin, with young Roger her lover, fell both to the ground; where, oh perverse fate!

she salutes the earth, and he the sky.

Tom Freckle, the smith's son, was the next victim to her rage.

He was an ingenious workman, and made excellent pattens; nay, the very patten with which he was knocked down was his own workmanship.

Had he been at that time singing psalms in the church, he would have avoided a broken head.

Miss Crow, the daughter of a farmer; John Giddish, himself a farmer; Nan Slouch, Esther Codling, Will Spray, Tom Bennet; the three Misses Potter, whose father keeps the sign of the Red Lion; Betty Chambermaid, Jack Ostler, and many others of inferior note, lay rolling among the graves.

Not that the strenuous arm of Molly reached all these; for many of them in their flight overthrew each other.

But now Fortune, fearing she had acted out of character, and had inclined too long to the same side, especially as it was the right side, hastily turned about: for now Goody Brown--whom Zekiel Brown caressed in his arms; nor he alone, but half the parish besides; so famous was she in the fields of Venus, nor indeed less in those of Mars.

The trophies of both these her husband always bore about on his head and face; for if ever human head did by its horns display the amorous glories of a wife, Zekiel's did; nor did his well-scratched face less denote her talents (or rather talons) of a different kind.

No longer bore this Amazon the shameful flight of her party.

She stopt short, and, calling aloud to all who fled, spoke as follows: “Ye Somersetshire men, or rather ye Somersetshire women, are ye not ashamed thus to fly from a single woman?

But if no other will oppose her, I myself and Joan Top here will have the honour of the victory.

” Having thus said, she flew at Molly Seagrim, and easily wrenched the thigh-bone from her hand, at the same time clawing off her cap from her head.

Then laying hold of the hair of Molly with her left hand, she attacked her so furiously in the face with the right, that the blood soon began to trickle from her nose.

Molly was not idle this while.

She soon removed the clout from the head of Goody Brown, and then fastening on her hair with one hand, with the other she caused another bloody stream to issue forth from the nostrils of the enemy.

When each of the combatants had borne off sufficient spoils of hair from the head of her antagonist, the next rage was against the garments.

In this attack they exerted so much violence, that in a very few minutes they were both naked to the middle.

It is lucky for the women that the seat of fistycuff war is not the same with them as among men; but though they may seem a little to deviate from their sex, when they go forth to battle, yet I have observed, they never so far forget, as to assail the bosoms of each other; where a few blows would be fatal to most of them.

This, I know, some derive from their being of a more bloody inclination than the males.

On which account they apply to the nose, as to the part whence blood may most easily be drawn; but this seems a far-fetched as well as ill-natured supposition.

Goody Brown had great advantage of Molly in this particular; for the former had indeed no breasts, her bosom (if it may be so called), as well in colour as in many other properties, exactly resembling an antient piece of parchment, upon which any one might have drummed a considerable while without doing her any great damage.

Molly, beside her present unhappy condition, was differently formed in those parts, and might, perhaps, have tempted the envy of Brown to give her a fatal blow, had not the lucky arrival of Tom Jones at this instant put an immediate end to the bloody scene.

This accident was luckily owing to Mr Square; for he, Master Blifil, and Jones, had mounted their horses, after church, to take the air, and had ridden about a quarter of a mile, when Square, changing his mind (not idly, but for a reason which we shall unfold as soon as we have leisure), desired the young gentlemen to ride with him another way than they had at first purposed.

This motion being complied with, brought them of necessity back again to the churchyard.

Master Blifil, who rode first, seeing such a mob assembled, and two women in the posture in which we left the combatants, stopt his horse to enquire what was the matter.

A country fellow, scratching his head, answered him: “I don't know, measter, un't I; an't please your honour, here hath been a vight, I think, between Goody Brown and Moll Seagrim.

” “Who, who?

” cries Tom; but without waiting for an answer, having discovered the features of his Molly through all the discomposure in which they now were, he hastily alighted, turned his horse loose, and, leaping over the wall, ran to her.

She now first bursting into tears, told him how barbarously she had been treated.

Upon which, forgetting the sex of Goody Brown, or perhaps not knowing it in his rage--for, in reality, she had no feminine appearance but a petticoat, which he might not observe--he gave her a lash or two with his horsewhip; and then flying at the mob, who were all accused by Moll, he dealt his blows so profusely on all sides, that unless I would again invoke the muse (which the good-natured reader may think a little too hard upon her, as she hath so lately been violently sweated), it would be impossible for me to recount the horse-whipping of that day.

Having scoured the whole coast of the enemy, as well as any of Homer's heroes ever did, or as Don Quixote or any knight-errant in the world could have done, he returned to Molly, whom he found in a condition which must give both me and my reader pain, was it to be described here.

Tom raved like a madman, beat his breast, tore his hair, stamped on the ground, and vowed the utmost vengeance on all who had been concerned.

He then pulled off his coat, and buttoned it round her, put his hat upon her head, wiped the blood from her face as well as he could with his handkerchief, and called out to the servant to ride as fast as possible for a side-saddle, or a pillion, that he might carry her safe home.

Master Blifil objected to the sending away the servant, as they had only one with them; but as Square seconded the order of Jones, he was obliged to comply.

The servant returned in a very short time with the pillion, and Molly, having collected her rags as well as she could, was placed behind him.

In which manner she was carried home, Square, Blifil, and Jones attending.

Here Jones having received his coat, given her a sly kiss, and whispered her, that he would return in the evening, quitted his Molly, and rode on after his companions.

Chapter ix.

Containing matter of no very peaceable colour.

Molly had no sooner apparelled herself in her accustomed rags, than her sisters began to fall violently upon her, particularly her eldest sister, who told her she was well enough served.

“How had she the assurance to wear a gown which young Madam Western had given to mother!

If one of us was to wear it, I think,” says she, “I myself have the best right; but I warrant you think it belongs to your beauty.

I suppose you think yourself more handsomer than any of us.

”--“Hand her down the bit of glass from over the cupboard,” cries another; “I'd wash the blood from my face before I talked of my beauty.

”--“You'd better have minded what the parson says,” cries the eldest, “and not a harkened after men voke.

”--“Indeed, child, and so she had,” says the mother, sobbing: “she hath brought a disgrace upon us all.

She's the vurst of the vamily that ever was a whore.

” “You need not upbraid me with that, mother,” cries Molly; “you yourself was brought-to-bed of sister there, within a week after you was married.

” “Yes, hussy,” answered the enraged mother, “so I was, and what was the mighty matter of that?

I was made an honest woman then; and if you was to be made an honest woman, I should not be angry; but you must have to doing with a gentleman, you nasty slut; you will have a bastard, hussy, you will; and that I defy any one to say of me.

” In this situation Black George found his family, when he came home for the purpose before mentioned.

As his wife and three daughters were all of them talking together, and most of them crying, it was some time before he could get an opportunity of being heard; but as soon as such an interval occurred, he acquainted the company with what Sophia had said to him.

Goody Seagrim then began to revile her daughter afresh.

“Here,” says she, “you have brought us into a fine quandary indeed.

What will madam say to that big belly?

Oh that ever I should live to see this day!

” Molly answered with great spirit, “And what is this mighty place which you have got for me, father?

” (for he had not well understood the phrase used by Sophia of being about her person).

“I suppose it is to be under the cook; but I shan't wash dishes for anybody.

My gentleman will provide better for me.

See what he hath given me this afternoon.

He hath promised I shall never want money; and you shan't want money neither, mother, if you will hold your tongue, and know when you are well.

” And so saying, she pulled out several guineas, and gave her mother one of them.

The good woman no sooner felt the gold within her palm, than her temper began (such is the efficacy of that panacea) to be mollified.

“Why, husband,” says she, “would any but such a blockhead as you not have enquired what place this was before he had accepted it?

Perhaps, as Molly says, it may be in the kitchen; and truly I don't care my daughter should be a scullion wench; for, poor as I am, I am a gentlewoman.

And thof I was obliged, as my father, who was a clergyman, died worse than nothing, and so could not give me a shilling of _potion_, to undervalue myself by marrying a poor man; yet I would have you to know, I have a spirit above all them things.

Marry come up!

it would better become Madam Western to look at home, and remember who her own grandfather was.

Some of my family, for aught I know, might ride in their coaches, when the grandfathers of some voke walked a-voot.

I warrant she fancies she did a mighty matter, when she sent us that old gownd; some of my family would not have picked up such rags in the street; but poor people are always trampled upon.

--The parish need not have been in such a fluster with Molly.

You might have told them, child, your grandmother wore better things new out of the shop.

” “Well, but consider,” cried George, “what answer shall I make to madam?

” “I don't know what answer,” says she; “you are always bringing your family into one quandary or other.

Do you remember when you shot the partridge, the occasion of all our misfortunes?

Did not I advise you never to go into Squire Western's manor?

Did not I tell you many a good year ago what would come of it?

But you would have your own headstrong ways; yes, you would, you villain.

” Black George was, in the main, a peaceable kind of fellow, and nothing choleric nor rash; yet did he bear about him something of what the antients called the irascible, and which his wife, if she had been endowed with much wisdom, would have feared.

He had long experienced, that when the storm grew very high, arguments were but wind, which served rather to increase, than to abate it.

He was therefore seldom unprovided with a small switch, a remedy of wonderful force, as he had often essayed, and which the word villain served as a hint for his applying.

No sooner, therefore, had this symptom appeared, than he had immediate recourse to the said remedy, which though, as it is usual in all very efficacious medicines, it at first seemed to heighten and inflame the disease, soon produced a total calm, and restored the patient to perfect ease and tranquillity.

This is, however, a kind of horse-medicine, which requires a very robust constitution to digest, and is therefore proper only for the vulgar, unless in one single instance, viz.

, where superiority of birth breaks out; in which case, we should not think it very improperly applied by any husband whatever, if the application was not in itself so base, that, like certain applications of the physical kind which need not be mentioned, it so much degrades and contaminates the hand employed in it, that no gentleman should endure the thought of anything so low and detestable.

The whole family were soon reduced to a state of perfect quiet; for the virtue of this medicine, like that of electricity, is often communicated through one person to many others, who are not touched by the instrument.

To say the truth, as they both operate by friction, it may be doubted whether there is not something analogous between them, of which Mr Freke would do well to enquire, before he publishes the next edition of his book.

A council was now called, in which, after many debates, Molly still persisting that she would not go to service, it was at length resolved, that Goody Seagrim herself should wait on Miss Western, and endeavour to procure the place for her eldest daughter, who declared great readiness to accept it: but Fortune, who seems to have been an enemy of this little family, afterwards put a stop to her promotion.

Chapter x.

A story told by Mr Supple, the curate.

The penetration of Squire Western.

His great love for his daughter, and the return to it made by her.

The next morning Tom Jones hunted with Mr Western, and was at his return invited by that gentleman to dinner.

The lovely Sophia shone forth that day with more gaiety and sprightliness than usual.

Her battery was certainly levelled at our heroe; though, I believe, she herself scarce yet knew her own intention; but if she had any design of charming him, she now succeeded.

Mr Supple, the curate of Mr Allworthy's parish, made one of the company.

He was a good-natured worthy man; but chiefly remarkable for his great taciturnity at table, though his mouth was never shut at it.

In short, he had one of the best appetites in the world.

However, the cloth was no sooner taken away, than he always made sufficient amends for his silence: for he was a very hearty fellow; and his conversation was often entertaining, never offensive.

At his first arrival, which was immediately before the entrance of the roast-beef, he had given an intimation that he had brought some news with him, and was beginning to tell, that he came that moment from Mr Allworthy's, when the sight of the roast-beef struck him dumb, permitting him only to say grace, and to declare he must pay his respect to the baronet, for so he called the sirloin.

When dinner was over, being reminded by Sophia of his news, he began as follows: “I believe, lady, your ladyship observed a young woman at church yesterday at even-song, who was drest in one of your outlandish garments; I think I have seen your ladyship in such a one.

However, in the country, such dresses are _Rara avis in terris, nigroque simillima cygno.

_ That is, madam, as much as to say, 'A rare bird upon the earth, and very like a black swan.'

The verse is in Juvenal.

But to return to what I was relating.

I was saying such garments are rare sights in the country; and perchance, too, it was thought the more rare, respect being had to the person who wore it, who, they tell me, is the daughter of Black George, your worship's gamekeeper, whose sufferings, I should have opined, might have taught him more wit, than to dress forth his wenches in such gaudy apparel.

She created so much confusion in the congregation, that if Squire Allworthy had not silenced it, it would have interrupted the service: for I was once about to stop in the middle of the first lesson.

Howbeit, nevertheless, after prayer was over, and I was departed home, this occasioned a battle in the churchyard, where, amongst other mischief, the head of a travelling fidler was very much broken.

This morning the fidler came to Squire Allworthy for a warrant, and the wench was brought before him.

The squire was inclined to have compounded matters; when, lo!

on a sudden the wench appeared (I ask your ladyship's pardon) to be, as it were, at the eve of bringing forth a bastard.

The squire demanded of her who was the father?

But she pertinaciously refused to make any response.

So that he was about to make her mittimus to Bridewell when I departed.

” “And is a wench having a bastard all your news, doctor?

” cries Western; “I thought it might have been some public matter, something about the nation.

” “I am afraid it is too common, indeed,” answered the parson; “but I thought the whole story altogether deserved commemorating.

As to national matters, your worship knows them best.

My concerns extend no farther than my own parish.

” “Why, ay,” says the squire, “I believe I do know a little of that matter, as you say.

But, come, Tommy, drink about; the bottle stands with you.

” Tom begged to be excused, for that he had particular business; and getting up from table, escaped the clutches of the squire, who was rising to stop him, and went off with very little ceremony.

The squire gave him a good curse at his departure; and then turning to the parson, he cried out, “I smoke it: I smoke it.

Tom is certainly the father of this bastard.

Zooks, parson, you remember how he recommended the veather o' her to me.

D--n un, what a sly b--ch 'tis.

Ay, ay, as sure as two-pence, Tom is the veather of the bastard.

” “I should be very sorry for that,” says the parson.

“Why sorry,” cries the squire: “Where is the mighty matter o't?

What, I suppose dost pretend that thee hast never got a bastard?

Pox!

more good luck's thine?

for I warrant hast a done a _therefore_ many's the good time and often.

” “Your worship is pleased to be jocular,” answered the parson; “but I do not only animadvert on the sinfulness of the action--though that surely is to be greatly deprecated--but I fear his unrighteousness may injure him with Mr Allworthy.

And truly I must say, though he hath the character of being a little wild, I never saw any harm in the young man; nor can I say I have heard any, save what your worship now mentions.

I wish, indeed, he was a little more regular in his responses at church; but altogether he seems _Ingenui vultus puer ingenuique pudoris.

_ That is a classical line, young lady; and, being rendered into English, is, `a lad of an ingenuous countenance, and of an ingenuous modesty;' for this was a virtue in great repute both among the Latins and Greeks.

I must say, the young gentleman (for so I think I may call him, notwithstanding his birth) appears to me a very modest, civil lad, and I should be sorry that he should do himself any injury in Squire Allworthy's opinion.

” “Poogh!

” says the squire: “Injury, with Allworthy!

Why, Allworthy loves a wench himself.

Doth not all the country know whose son Tom is?

You must talk to another person in that manner.

I remember Allworthy at college.

” “I thought,” said the parson, “he had never been at the university.

” “Yes, yes, he was,” says the squire: “and many a wench have we two had together.

As arrant a whore-master as any within five miles o'un.

No, no. It will do'n no harm with he, assure yourself; nor with anybody else.

Ask Sophy there--You have not the worse opinion of a young fellow for getting a bastard, have you, girl?

No, no, the women will like un the better for't. ” This was a cruel question to poor Sophia.

She had observed Tom's colour change at the parson's story; and that, with his hasty and abrupt departure, gave her sufficient reason to think her father's suspicion not groundless.

Her heart now at once discovered the great secret to her which it had been so long disclosing by little and little; and she found herself highly interested in this matter.

In such a situation, her father's malapert question rushing suddenly upon her, produced some symptoms which might have alarmed a suspicious heart; but, to do the squire justice, that was not his fault.

When she rose therefore from her chair, and told him a hint from him was always sufficient to make her withdraw, he suffered her to leave the room, and then with great gravity of countenance remarked, “That it was better to see a daughter over-modest than over-forward;”--a sentiment which was highly applauded by the parson.

There now ensued between the squire and the parson a most excellent political discourse, framed out of newspapers and political pamphlets;

in which they made a libation of four bottles of wine to the good of their country: and then, the squire being fast asleep, the parson lighted his pipe, mounted his horse, and rode home.

When the squire had finished his half-hour's nap, he summoned his daughter to her harpsichord; but she begged to be excused that evening, on account of a violent head-ache.

This remission was presently granted; for indeed she seldom had occasion to ask him twice, as he loved her with such ardent affection, that, by gratifying her, he commonly conveyed the highest gratification to himself.

She was really, what he frequently called her, his little darling, and she well deserved to be so; for she returned all his affection in the most ample manner.

She had preserved the most inviolable duty to him in all things; and this her love made not only easy, but so delightful, that when one of her companions laughed at her for placing so much merit in such scrupulous obedience, as that young lady called it, Sophia answered, “You mistake me, madam, if you think I value myself upon this account; for besides that I am barely discharging my duty, I am likewise pleasing myself.

I can truly say I have no delight equal to that of contributing to my father's happiness; and if I value myself, my dear, it is on having this power, and not on executing it.

” This was a satisfaction, however, which poor Sophia was incapable of tasting this evening.

She therefore not only desired to be excused from her attendance at the harpsichord, but likewise begged that he would suffer her to absent herself from supper.

To this request likewise the squire agreed, though not without some reluctance; for he scarce ever permitted her to be out of his sight, unless when he was engaged with his horses, dogs, or bottle.

Nevertheless he yielded to the desire of his daughter, though the poor man was at the same time obliged to avoid his own company (if I may so express myself), by sending for a neighbouring farmer to sit with him.

Chapter xi.